Letters: December 2004

Written Correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

To Whom it May Concern:

I dare say it, but the youth of today are by far less viable than the youths of previous years. When I go for my evening constitutional throughout the neighborhood, I see these shifty-eyed, lazy people standing about, listening to their rock, rap, house techno, and trip hop music. This music is terrible when compared to the music of my time.

Throughout this land, these young people fail continually at school, their social lives, and their professional lives. They have no jobs, they do not volunteer for National Service, they do not seek gainful employment and they refuse to use rubber prophylactics when engaging in the copulative act. These youths should be rounded up and forced to participate in the activities of labor camps. Only this shall save our Republic, reversing our course; currently headed toward fiery abyss of hell, tucked comfortably away within the confines of a whicker hand-basket. I also dislike the Irish.

Dinsdale Piranha

Dear Publishers,

Axes and Alleys is an excellent magazine, but why do you so rarely feature aircraft carriers (CV, CVA, CVAN, CVB, CVL CVN, CVS and CVT
and so forth). Such wonderful boats. Or, as the Germans would say “Das vunderbar boots.” I wouldn’t know, my German is terrible. Either way, aircraft carriers are amazing.

They need not oars.

CV-1 the U.S.S. Langley

Dear Sirs, Madams or Neuters,

What’s all this then?

Chief Superintendent Harry “Snapper” Organs
Metro Police Force, London SW1

Dear People of Axes and Alleys,

While people may be quick to dismiss Gidget, Sally Field is one of the greatest thespians of our day and age. Her award winning performances on stage and screen are enthralling and well deserving of the accolades sent her way by critics, fans, etc. Her films are both amazing and inspiring. Works such as Smoky and the Bandit, Steel Magnolias, Mrs. Doubtfire, Forest Gump, and Legally Blonde II: Red, White and Blonde are among the greatest images ever put to celluloid. How could you claim such a wonderful talent shares a common ancestor with filthy and smelly chimps? Evolution is a lie.

Armatige Henry

To Axes and Alleys,

In the South things were better than we hoped from the Allied side. We managed to drub Davout and released one of our columns to attack on the center table, which stabilized that front for a short time allowing the Allied commander there to save face. We did draw French units on to our Southern board away from the critical action in the center. Our losses were very light and we had secured most of the major features on our table by 1400hrs and were at the point of driving Davout to destruction. I thank you all especially the referees, Pete and Jodie.

Dr. James H. Birdseye
Augusta State University

To the Publishers of Axes and Alleys:

Of all the spectacular (i.e. fabulicious) things in this world, I would perhaps rank bread near the top. Bread comes in a variety of flavors, textures and constancies. At the supermarket near my house they have nearly a whole isle devoted to bread and bread-like comestibles, including but not limited to rolls.

Plus, they also have a bakery section with fresh-baked bread and bags of pita bread which is a sort of flat styled bread. They have much bread at that supermarket. Plus, there’s this cute cashier girl Irene who is a bit young, but very hot, especially on Halloween when she was dressed all goth like. The other cute cashier, Marilyn, is nice, but sort of slutty. I’ll let you know when they turn eighteen. Until then, I’m not going to count my chickens, if you know what I mean.

Jeffery “Sinclair” Lewis

Volume 456-BR7 Issue 7


This Issue is Scratch and Sniff! (Czech Republic Edition Only)

The year 2004 A.D. has been remarkable. Throughout this year we have seen monumental changes in politics, religion, economics, and agricultural machinery. While there are many naysayers out there who fear these changes, we at Axes & Alleys welcome this new world and urge our readers to do likewise.

Sure, there have been many widespread rare isolated incidents of cyborg attacks on ordinary citizens, and of cyborg-controlled farm machinery running amuck, but these occurrences, while ever increasing in their frequency and deadliness, are generally on the decline. Truly there is nothing to fear from these fearsome human-computer hybrids and the destruction they bring. Many thought the light bulb would lead to moral decay, yet here we are living every hour under the illumination of these wondrous tungsten-filled orbs.

Without a doubt, the most exciting news of 2004 was the development and release of implant technology from Movable Type Printing, Axes & Alleys’ parent company. From now on, you good readers, need not be burdened with cumbersome pages, ink and covers. With just a quick bit of surgery you can now have a chip installed in your brain that will allow you to read Axes and Alleys online from the comfort of your own head. Just drop us a line if you’re interested.

Yeah, it sure has been an exciting year. Can’t wait to see what 2005 will bring our way.

Ta ta for now.
Delores R. Grunion