Letters: May 2004

Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear Publishers,

There is nothing quite as cool as Quakers. Not only do they make Pennsylvania magical, but their particular brand of oat meal is the tastiest of all meals including corn meal, barley meal and gruel. Perhaps you could do an article on Quakers or Quaker State brand automobilating carriage engine lubricant. That would be neat.


Ilich Ramirez “Carlos The Jackal” Sanchez
(whereabouts unknown)

To Whom it May Concern:

I am deeply disappointed by the fact that this fine publication has yet to take a definite stance on the war between the Armies of the Unified Republic of American States and the filthy rag headed infidels of Iraqistan. As many in the public have been quick to criticize Bush, I am sad that his periodical has not stepped up to defend Bush.

While the war with Iraqistan no doubt caused many casualties, I cannot accept that Bush is any way responsible for these deaths. Sixteen Stone, Razorblade Suitcase, Deconstructed, The Science of Things, and The Golden State were all fine collections of music and not a one of them can be construed as causing a military conflict.

Neither Gavin Rossdale, or his lovely wife Gwen Stefani-Rossdale, have ever planned or executed a major military operation and I must take this chance to chastise this periodical for not defending this wonderful English band against the public’s misguided attacks.


Rim Josen
Nepassy, Trewfoundland

To Lionell et al.,

As a scientist, I am constantly frustrated by the continual catachrestical use of the phrase “quantum leap.” For many years now I have heard sportscasters, news anchors, and producers of Scott Bakula syndicated science fiction television shows abuse this collection of words.

Quantum, is based upon the Latin word Quantum, meaning “amount.” A quanta, scientifically speaking, is the smallest possible amount of energy; a discreet packet or wave-function which can, in some ways, function as a particle.

“A quantum leap” refers to the action of an electron climbing to a higher valence within the outer orbital shell of an atom. As electrons are incredibly small, this energy is also a very small amount of energy.

We in the physics community are tired of hearing a major change or advance called a “quantum leap.” This is inappropriate and scientifically incorrect. Man, I hate that fucking shit.

Love and Regards,

The MCATDA Physics Department:
Dr. Torbert Einstine
Dr. Bernice Rutheford
Dr. Steven Hocking
Dr. Enrico Fermey
Dr. Wolfgong Pauley
Dr. Neels Boore
Dr. James Clerk Maxwholl
Dr. Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhat
Dr. Warner Highzenborg
Dr. Macks Plank
Dr. Irwin Schrodinjor
Dr. Mitch E. O. Kahku
Dr. Hew Evrett III

Volume 456-BR7 Issue 2


Axes and Alleys: the most Leviticus-friendly tractor related publication out there. Period.

This month, Axes & Alleys will explore the vast depths of the human psyche, the highest reaches of inner space, the widest territories of late-Medieval Czech colloquialisms and the brightest points of fog science. We regret this momentary departure from tractor-related reporting and reviewing, but two factors have brought us to this temporary impasse.

The tractor industry has been in a slump during the first quarter. No new models have been added to any of the major tractor manufacturing companies, including Snuggies Tract’s, Parsimmon Horsepower Extravaganza or Buffalo Power Sowing.

Also, due to Kalisotta House Bill 3619.3, passed by a four vote margin in February, Axes & Alleys is also required to publish one non-tractorial issue per annum in accordance with Section 3, Paragraph 75, sub-section H, clause 1.

Our sister publication, Cosmopolitan Nun’s Home Journal will feature many articles on tractor repair and maintenance this month in order to better serve our readers, however the bulk of the magazine will still be devoted to such topics as the proper technique with which to give the Saviour oral sex and proper table settings for a visiting Abbott and retinue.

Again, we offer our sincerest apologies, but we sincerely hope you enjoy this momentary departure from our normal standards. We’ve attempted to make it as entertaining as possible for you, our dear reader.

xxx ooo

Delores R. Grunion