Dear Members of the Public,
Daniel Bester Incorporated, the world’s leading industrial consortium, has recently come under fire from certain conspiracy-theory-minded special interests groups, amongst them the U.S. Department of Justice, the Securities and Exchange Commission, and the European Union’s Competition Commission. As unjust and unfounded as the accusations made by these few militant extremists are, and despite the fact that such ridiculous underhanded smear tactics warrant no true attention, we at Daniel Bester Inc. feel that it is our duty to let the members of our product-purchasing public know the truth. Truth is a word that these reactionary extremists do not like to hear, truth is their enemy and they seek to subjugate truth in order to advance their own political agendas. For the sake of the public though, Daniel Bester Inc. cannot allow this happen. Therefore, we must answer these charges so that the truth can be known, and so that these cowards who wrongly attack us with fear tactics, lawsuits, criminal charges and Acts of Congress can see that we are not afraid of them, and are willing to stand up to them for the sake of our public, and our public’s children.
Daniel Bester Inc. has, at no time, ever acted as the front organization for a secret shadow government, specifically not the Masters of the Illuminati.
Daniel Bester Inc. has never employed the Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church in any official position. While he have great respect for His Holiness, we have never used that office as a tool to advance our corporate missions.
Daniel Bester Inc. has never engaged in any unlawful human cloning experiments. The only human cloning studies we have ever conducted were done in our laboratories in Sau Titlo, an island under the territorial jurisdiction of the Republic of Cosa Nostra, which has no laws regulating, much less outlawing human cloning.
Daniel Bester Inc. has never created artificial virus, biogens, viroids or prions in our laboratories. The creation of artificial organisms and paraorganisms is impossible. For instance, the virus known as TR-89 was not artificially created, rather it was formed by mutating segments of the polio virus, not by creating new paraorganisms from scratch.
We do not play God.
Daniel Bester Inc. was in no way responsible for the recent ousting of Esperian President Ghemel Rotory, nor in the restoration of the Epserian Monarchy. The fact that the newly restored King Simio IV offered our company a tax haven in Esperon as his first official act is entirely coincidental.
Daniel Bester Inc. has never engaged in official meetings with The Arcane, nor have we acted as or claimed to act as the official emissaries and representatives of humanity during said meetings. There is absolutely no truth to the claim that Daniel Bester Inc. engaged in trade activities with The Arcane, nor that Daniel Bester Inc. willingly and openly sold any people in exchange for advanced Arcane weapons technology. Nor is there any truth to the fanciful fiction that Daniel Bester Inc. has acted in concert with The Arcane to replace human political and religious leaders with android or automata replicons.
Daniel Bester Inc. has never engaged in illegal trading policies, insider trading, or artificial manipulation of stock, bond or commodities prices. We would certainly never threaten the life or limb of any member of the New York, London or Tokyo Stock Exchanges, nor members of their families for purely financial gain.
Daniel Bester Inc. has never and will never stockpile nuclear weapons or other weapons of mass or minimal destruction. Nor do we have any facilities in the Colorado mountains which are capable of deploying any such weapons. In is the avowed policy of Daniel Bester Inc. to never deploy or maintain use of “first strike” submarines or orbital weapons platforms.
We hope that this clears the air of rumor, speculation and accusations. And thank you from Daniel Bester Inc. This company has always striven to fight for truth, justice and other such things.
Chief Executive Officer
Board of Directors
C. Douglas Borden
Senator (D: Montsylvania)
Poet, Author and Literary Figure
Captain Edward Mitchell
American Space Pioneer
Gardening Structural Engineering
Congressman (R: West Dakota)
Artist and Political Activist
Ornithology and Genetics Researcher
M.P. for North Sturrey
Sir William Douglas Hayes
Supreme Air Marshal of the
Royal American Air Corps
Dr. Chester Copperpot
Historian and Explorer
Major Hernando Baptiste Guiverianna
President for Life of the Democratic
Republic of Cosa Nostra
Esperanto Ambassador to the