Tag Archives: Scott Birdseye

Fifty New Animals that God Should Create

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1. Flying crabs.
2. Sheep with non-itchy wool.
3. Talking meercats, since meercats always look like they’re about to say something interesting.
4. Dogs that stay puppies forever.
5. Tigons and Ligers that can actually reproduce.
6. Rubber-toothed sharks for surfer safety.
7. Chihuahuas that don’t shake so damn much.
8. Butterflies with patriotic flag designs on their wings.
9. Moths that can tell the difference between a light bulb and the Moon.
10. Cuddly snakes.
11. Cats that can do like at least one trick or something.
12. Bishop birds, for the cardinals to oversee.
13. A birddog that doesn’t just find dead birds but is actually like a flying dog with a beak.
14. Bioluminescent elephants.
15. Land whales.
16. Turtles with hinges, so you could open up the shell and see how they work.
17. Gigapedes.
18. Abyssal fish that aren’t quite so nightmarish.
19. Dolphins who don’t give a damn about lost mariners.
20. Something that’s full of tasty lobster meat but doesn’t look so much like a giant sci-fi alien bug.
21. Hippos that don’t kill quite so many people.
22. Parrots that can say interesting things rather than just continually demanding crackers.
23. Squirrels that hand out small containers of relish.
24. Something, anything that actually wears underpants.
25. Rabbits than can play Parcheesi well.
26. Spaceborne orangutans with giant foil wings which produce nutritious energy through simian-compatible chlorophyll.
27. A carnivorous chinchilla which is just as cute as a regular chinchilla, but over 700 times as deadly.
28. Small lizards with built-in rocket/jetpacks.
29. Humans with spines fully-adapted to upright walking.
30. Deer whose eyes shine blinding light at over 100,000 lumens.
31. A species of clam which exhibits astounding sexual differences between its 13 different genders.
32. A wolverine shaped like a VHS tape which feeds on human hands.
33. The sinless manatee.
34. Hyperlinked marmosets.
35. Bees that buzz a major third apart.
36. Penguins in primary colours.
37. Bed bugs that form beds.
38. Hook-length worms that don’t produce mucous.
39. Shrimp which eat plastic bags.
40. Moles what build their hills out of bottle caps.
41. Proper human shemales.
42. Scallops exactly one millimeter thick.
43. Manta rays which grow human skin.
44. Lemon-flavoured bison.
45. Stick insects that die and dry out to create brushes.
46. Giraffes divisible by i.
47. Diatoms which die and leave skeletons usable as nuts for bolts.
48. Purple pigs.
49. Multi-cellular amoeba.
50. Pigeons that double as radio transmitters.

Katie Stalin in Kansas

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stalin

ks35

Lawrence, Kansas – I am a huge basketball fan. Okay, it’s more that I’m a fan of huge basketball players, but I’ll sit through a game for them anyway. That’s why I came to Lawrence after all. James Naismith, the old fogey who invented basketball is buried here. He had this totally awesome brain hemorrhage and then died. Apparently the University of Kansas police don’t like it when you sneak into the Pioneer Cemetery and hold a candle-lit picnic with Naismith’s ghost at three in the morning. They also don’t seem to like being doused with Everclear and set on fire, if the screaming I heard while running away is to be believed.

I got lost in the Bowersock Dam a couple of hours later. I’d stopped off for some nachos at Lawrence’s own El Mezcal, but they were closed because it was 4:30. I broke the lock and made my own though. Anyway, I headed over to the dam, and let me tell you: not impressive. Did you know it takes only 53 bags of trash to gum up the whole spill system?

I mean, they make a big deal about having had the first corrugated paper plant west of the Mississippi, but who really gives a crap about corrugated paper and who had a plant for it first? That’s the kind of stuff that bores you to tears on first grade field trips. Sometimes I think those field trips to the county museum and the river walk influenced the way I behave on trips, but most of the time it’s just how stupid people are. They’re also real happy they had the first “sanitary sewer” in Lawrence. Yeah dudes, pipes for poop!

Later that weekend I did get to help the Lawrence Police Department. Well, sort of. See, I was sunbathing topless in the part near my motel and this hunky dude came over to talk to me. I sort of got him to unzip his pants to show me the tattoo of Shoki the Demon Slayer he said he had, but then all these cops showed up and I had to get out of there.

On my way out of town today I stole a few Naismith Street signs, but otherwise Lawrence just wasn’t much fun. Next up: NEW YORK!!!

Ask Montezuma: Maine 2008

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It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

Montezuma

Montezuma II is a taurus and enjoys the companionship of scorpios. His bowling team came in third in the league last year and he hopes to make it to the intramural city championship this year. He currently works part-time for Milton Bradley’s customer service department.

Dear Montezuma,
My friend Howard tells me that through adversity there is redemption. I’m not so sure, see, because once I missed the bus and all I got was being late to work. What do you think?
Adam Dutkiewicz
Boston, MA

Your friend Howard is incorrect. If you take Route 15 through Adversity, AL, you’ll only get to Pandaemonium, KY. Since Route 15 is the only thoroughfare in Adversity, it’s quite clear to any observer that Redemption cannot be reached through Adversity. You can, however, find Redemption by taking the Cardinal Sin Roundabout to the Deathbed Conversion Throughway.

Montezuma,
You know how it rains sometimes? Well, I always get wet when that happens. It’s really frustrating because I have to put everything under the radiator to dry off in the winter or hang it in front of the fan in the summer. Got any tips for me?
Lionel Luthor
Smallville, KS

Mr. Luthor, I have a great tip. What you need to do is keep the rain off of your body. To do this, I suggest mounting a car battery to a harness which itself is attached to two large fans mounted on your shoulders. When it starts raining, flip the switch on the battery and the large fans will spin quickly, blowing the rain out of your way. Simple and cost-effective. Just make sure you water proof the battery. A friend of mine didn’t do that and now we keep him in a tin on the mantle.

Dear Mr. Zuma,
My girlfriend and I recently went to Molokai, part of the Hawaiian Islands. It’s beautiful there, with very few inhabitants, only some small hotels, and some wonderful fish ponds. One day, while out on a hike through those same ponds, we decided to engage in the physical act of love. While I was performing oral sex on her as foreplay to coitus, I noticed that the fish kept looking at us. More specifically, me. I felt as if they were watching my every move. How can I keep fish from looking at me while I’m giving the gift of oral?
Dinesh D’souza
Stanford, CA

I don’t know how many times I have to repeat myself, but this is not an advice column for icthyo-opthamologists. We are neither concerned with the ability of fish to see, nor what they might be looking at. You may wish to contact any of the multitude of advice columns written by fish on fishy subjects.

Dear Montezuma,
I don’t understand the user interface choices that software designers make sometimes. For instance, in both Mac OS and Windows, newly-opened programs or windows will automatically try to come to the front. What if I’m doing that “multi-tasking” I’m always encouraged to do? Then that window is getting in the way when I don’t need it. Or, what about the other way, when in Mac OS the icon for my browser will bounce after I’ve downloaded something to open in another program. Why? It never requires me to do anything other than click the bouncing icon to make it stop bouncing. It’s nerve wracking, to say the least.
X. Alexander Roustabout
Blemish, WY

I would rather enjoy an interface which required the use of three dimensional spectacles. To have a new window look like the inside of a box would be interesting, especially if I could reach right in and grab things with a virtual hand. Also, it would be quite nifty if the inside of my computer looked as if it were constructed of towers of light and lattices of shadow. Oh! And if information was going along, it looked like a little laser blast. This would be enjoyable. I might even place a picture of a jolly clown as my desk top wall paper (or desktop wallpaper as some call it).

Dear Montezuma,
What’s a fog hat?
Jeremy Rosen
Astoria, NY

A fog hat, dear Jeremy, has a three-foot bill, ear flaps, and a large torch mounted on the back. The bill is wide and shunts the obnoxious condensate out of the way while the torch lights the way forward. The flaps are usually for decoration, though some companies do manufacture them to act as secondary scoops similar to the bill. They’re traditionally only available in blue with white paisleys, but some companies will soon offer them in teal.

Montezuma,
I like Jazz, but without all the swinging, interesting moods, and enjoyability. What should I do?
Louis Secunda
New York, New South Wales, Australia

Dr. Secunda, you should probably listen to jazz music as played by an entirely French or Norwegian ensemble. It tends to be shoe-gazingly introspective and without most or all of the emotive qualities an American ensemble can produce. Many have described jazz as played by Europeans as “bland.”

Dear Monty,
Why is Battleship such a stupid game? I mean, all you have to do is look over the edge of your opponent’s case and you can see exactly where all the ships are. It’s called a satellite. Join the modern era Milton Bradley.
Gustav Klimt
Roanoke, VA

Dear Mr. Klimt, MILTON BRADLEY produces, sells and markets a broad line of popular games, puzzles, and activities. Some of the classics include: THE GAME OF LIFE (1960), CHUTES AND LADDERS (1943), CANDY LAND (1949), TWISTER (1966), YAHTZEE (1956), BIG BEN Puzzles (1941), and SCRABBLE Brand Crossword Game (1938). As a wholly-owned subsidiary of Hasbro, Inc., we thank you for your kind interest.

montys hints

Now that winter is in full swing and the short, cold days are here, you might discover a problem with mold. Yes, with radiators pumping out so much humidity and so little ventilation in homes, quite often a mold problem erupts during the winter months. The first thing you should try to do is reason with the mold. Turn on an overhead light, sit a chair next to the mold and have a frank discussion with it. Let it know how you feel about it invading your space, disfiguring your walls, closet, or other area, and tell it that you’re worried about contracting a fungal infection in your lungs should it not move out soon. Most of the time mold will respond to reason. If it does not, your next option is to try fire.

The Seven Absolute Non Wonders of the World

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7 non wonders

Bob Thompson’s Tool Shed (Tuscaloosa, AL)
Constructed of solid plywood and 2” x 4”s, Bob Thompson’s tool shed is ignored by all those in Blackwarrior County and throughout the state of Alabama. Not only is Bob’s shed poorly constructed, it’s also full of mold, mildew and the occasional raccoon. The back wall is rotting and it smells really bad. Besides, he doesn’t even keep many tools in there anymore. After he threw out his back, he hasn’t done much yard work. Don’t be fooled, the bag of rotting leaves in the corner isn’t a nascent compost pile, he just forgot about it last month.

A Mail Box (The Bronx, NY)
There are many millions of mailboxes across the United States, but on the corner of West Reservoir Oval in the Bronx stands a pinnacle of non-wonder. Covered in graffiti, and often used as a urinal by the homeless and itinerant, this mailbox truly is a blight. Claimed as a tagging area by both “Rasor” and “Ginx,” it’s best to not put your mail in this box.

A Pile of Loose Gravel (Cairo, Egypt)
Over two meters in height and weighing almost a ton, this pile of gravel stands outside a hotel construction site in Cairo. No, it’s not just gravel; it’s also loose dirt, soda cans, cigarette butts, candy wrappers and other trash. It belongs to Mr. Mohammed Saddeg, a day-laborer on the site. If you dig too deep into the pile, you might find a scorpion, so be careful.

Tire Swing (Kent, UK)
Though the British would likely call it a “tyre” swing, people on both sides of the pond can admit that the swing is really not wondrous as at all. For one thing, it’s always full of old, gray rank rain water and secondly, the steel belts stick out due to wear and can poke a child or even rip his or her clothing. Sometimes there are insects.

Empty Lot (Augusta, GA)
It is full of weeds and features not one, but two, old rusty shopping carts. A victim of heavy erosion, the lot mostly just features dirt surrounded by a poorly constructed chain link fence. Actually the fence is kind of pointless as a barrier, since it features a prominent eight foot hole. There are also several 2 x 4s lying next to a mud puddle. One weed has a flower, but it’s a brown, dried out flower.

Rusted Out Chevy Nova (Rome, Italy)
Legend has it that the Chevy Nova once belonged to a Mr. Luciano Travetti, who abandoned it after realizing that the tow-away fee would be equal to 200,000 lire. After he purchased a new car in 1982, Travetti merely left the old car parked on the street where it accumulated not only rust, but also nearly two hundred and thirty different parking citations.

Stack of Wet Cardboard (Shangai, Peoples’ Republic of China)
Behind the factory that manufactures Robotron™ action figures and playsets, stands a pile of cardboard more than twenty three feet high. Soaked my many summer rainstorms, the cardboard has become structurally weakened and has begun to smell. As the local truck from the Peoples’ Refuse Collection Army has yet to come by, the stack continues to grow and a’molder.