Tag Archives: Jeremy Rosen

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CELEBRATE!
The first annual Gay Humble Month Bingo Spectacular is coming to Omaha! To participate, please write Bishop David McClurkle at Omaha 1st Episcopal Church, Omaha, NB.

WANTED
Rectangular puzzle with more than 100 pieces, more than 650 edge pieces, 300 inside pieces, and 16 corners. Will pay top pfennig! Nancy Bramble
101 Airborne Division Rd. Apt. E. Currahee, AC

FOR SALE
Magazines. You pick the number (up to 19), I pick the publications and issues. Only $72, up to 12% off news stand prices (not adjusted for inflation)! Call Sanders Nickzon at 776-426-8997

WANTED
Footage of Fiona Apple’s last boyfriend talking to her on the phone. He mentions a farmers’ market somewhere and I can’t remember where nor how to find the video again. May be located somewhere on the internet. Please call Lemmy Ramone a godbag.

FOR SALE
The bones of Dr. Lyman Hall of Georgia, signer of the Delcaration. Recently disinterred illegally from his burial place in Augusta, GA. Original pulverized lime coating included. Will trade for the femur of Aaron Burr, or sell for $6750. James K. Chesterton, 825 Johns Rd., Augusta, GA, 30904.

FOR SALE
Nazi-themed hamburger stand. Includes griddle, cheese machine, and bun toaster. Deep fryer also included, but no lard. $45 dollars. Transport not included. Call Nazi Hamburgers, Inc., Bestoria, MV.

FOR RENT
Man in Viking costume. Will pose for images needed for magazine articles or pin up calendars. Call Marshall at 91-853-7741.

WANTED
A heroin candy bar. I prefer something with nougat and chocolate, but no nuts please. Unless they’re pistachios. There’s not really very many pistachio candies. Just that ice cream. But I don’t want heroin in my ice cream. Charles Krauthammer, Box 75.

FOR SALE
Delicious lime flavored spackling paste. Highly toxic. G.P. Henning, 67 Bignal St. Harper’s Lap, AC.

FOR SALE
Crayfish salad. Five tonnes available in fifty gallon drums. Some expired but most good. Don’t eat the brownish parts. No, sir. Halbone Salad Drum Warehouse. Hippen, PA.

WANTED
Disassembled helicopter where the parts are stored in pillowcases and labeled alphabetically. Will pay up to $1000 or trade for Bolivian postage stamps. Petey, Box 203.

WANTED
Family in Spain wishes to lease one boat for use on Tuesday crabbing expaditions to the Azores. Azore crabs are more delicious than the other crabs of the world. Hacienda Lopez, 83-292-19-1-10293-183. Ext. 282.

FOR LEASE
Crab. One claw slightly larger than the other. Moves sideways. Red in color. $20.00 per year, minimum of four years. Please present Crab Leasing License and proof of residency. Serious inquiries only. Hab’s Crabs. Pleasing, PD.

FOR SALE
Two-hundred and seven thousand Paul Newman “Newman’s Own Popcorn” promotional alarm clocks. Free two-inch paint roller included. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Two Finnish women needed to sort screwdrivers for $30.00 per hour. Part time only, one hour per week. Bestco Tool Co. Office of Human Resources. Katharinetowne, WD.

WANTED
Life-sized Sopwith Camel replica made out of muenster cheese with cracker propeller. Must be delivered by Tuesday for my WWI aviation themed wine and cheese party. Laura Peacock, no. 71.

FOR SALE
Box of cocker spaniel hair. Mostly brown. $2.00, or best offer. Roman Polanski, Box 2.

Ask Montezuma: Haduary 2007

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It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

montezuma

Montezuma once spackled an entire wall
using only toothpaste. His favorite atomic
element is Neon but he also loves learning
about voles and foxes.

Dear Montezuma,
My girlfriend suffers from narcolepsy. Isn’t that neat? I thought so. That’s one of the reasons I started dating her. But, between bouts of drowsiness, she tells me that she feels objectified because of this. I can understand that. I told her what I was looking for was basically a warm mannequin that smelled good and she fit the bill. The fifth octave E-flat key on my piano is kind of sticky. Should I use WD-40 on that?
Nick L. Odeon
Kingston, Jamaica

Mr. Odeon, many interesting people throughout history have experienced the narcoleptic affliction descending upon them. Meriwether Lewis, I’ve heard tell, slept through the entirety of the Lewis and Clark expedition except for certain segments in Idaho where the local oxygen content of the air managed to create a foggy path out of his lethargy.

Dear Montezuma,
My best friend and I publish a magazine and I was wondering if you had some advice for me. You see, we differ about how the styling on letters should be. He thinks that the opening, body, and closing should have no spaces between them. I think that looks terrible, but he’s the guy who lays everything out. Even if I do put spaces between those things, he gets rid of them, even after I copy edit everything. How can I get him to do it the way that looks good?
Charles Sumner
Columbia, SC

CS, the Modern Language Association style guide clearly states that letters should be double-spaced throughout. However, the Chicago Manual of Style says that the opening, closing and body of a letter should have no spaces between them, as your co-editor currently does it. There is a third option, though. The Punxsutawney Association of Grammarians Guide to Style states that one should avoid letter-writing altogether and instead save up what one wishes to say until there is enough content to go forward with the publication of a monograph. I did this in my book Answering Phil: Responses to Phil Chaudhry of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Montezuma,
For once in my life I’d prefer to go through the day without being anxious about just about everything. I get upset about my coffee and whether it has too much sugar, if I sounded like an ass in my last email, whether I’m doing a good job, and on and on. Do you have any advice for a used watch salesman down on his luck?
Cherry Picard
North Umbridge, AC

My dearest Cherry, perhaps the best idea for you would be to get out of the watch business entirely. Perhaps become a grocery cashier. You see, no one really uses watches anymore. They’re an accessory and one that only highly-snooty persons use. However, grocery employees are always in demand because people must eat. There’s also a high turnover rate across the board, so there’s plenty of room to move up. You may need to relocate to somewhere where the stores are larger in order to suit someone of your talents, but that shouldn’t be difficult in nearby states such as Georgia or Mississippi which do not have the grocery store shortage currently present in Acadia.

Montezuma,
How much is a dead body worth on the American Stock Exchange?
Milton Baily
Mount Keegan, NB

That would depend upon the location of the body within the exchange. For instance, if it was on the floor, probably very little because it would be covered in those papers stock brokers throw around at work. Now, if it were in the vestibule, you could be talking about anything from $4-5 a pound.

Dear Montezuma,
This guy I used to work with here at the blood bank dropped me a line the other day. He wanted my help returning three pints of blood he stole from our office manager. I don’t know what to do. Should I help him or tell my office manager?
George Kawasaki
San Francisco, CA

George, I would wager that your office manager is well-aware that he is missing three pints of blood. The dizziness due to low blood pressure has probably been his first clue. To be honest, I am incredibly interested in how your former co-worker managed to siphon off 20% of your manager’s blood without his knowledge. With skills such as those, it would be most appropriate for your old work comrade to perhaps have taken a job at the Central Intelligence Agency or some other covert government institution. He may even be of interest to various enmobulated criminal enterprises. If your former officemate is, in fact, a vampire, I wouldn’t be surprised that the office manager has not noticed his blood loss as vampires do not exist.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a lesbian and I would like to meet a new woman who can share my life with me. My second-biggest stumbling block is the fact that I am a man. Can you help?
Chax McSorely
St. Johns, Nova Scotia

Chaxy, gender and sexuality are such fluid terms. They shouldn’t be governed merely by the functional organs with which one was born. Seeing as this is true, have you considered sleeping with other lesbian men? Lesbian culture can be so finicky sometimes that it may be best to stick to your small corner of it.

Montezuma,
My downstairs neighbors enjoy the music of Stravinsky, but I hate Stravinsky. On the other hand I enjoy the music of Shostakovich and they hate Shostakovich. This makes being neighbourly a bit difficult when they’re blasting The Rake’s Progress or I have Symphony No. 7 (Opus 60) turned up all the way on my Dolby 5.1. Is there any way to resolve this?
James Carmel
Peoria, IL

One of the most common and best ways to resolve symphonic disputes between neighbors is the bassoon duel at dawn. Depending upon your level of proficiency, this may take some months to prepare for, but will solve the problem once and for all.

montys hints

Many actions in the house (or home) require the use of one repetitive motion or another. Sometimes these actions will require more than one at once! For instance, you have recently spackled several holes in your wall and now need to sand the affected area. Doing so will end up tiring your arm out in moments. As another example, if you need to scrub soap scum from your bathing tub, it will require a similar repetitive motion. What’s a busy home owner, renter, or leaser to do? Alternate which arm you use! That’s right, simply switching from the body part you’re using to an entirely different one can save you stress and/or injury.

Zoos

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Zoos The Ticking Time Bomb

It is important for people of all ages to understand biology. After all, people are animals. For this reason, zoological gardens, otherwise known as zoos or wildlife parks can be found lurking within the depths of many of the world’s urban areas. There, near our schools, hospitals and churches, zoos bide their time, waiting silently to unleash a furry fury upon humanity. Zoos are a powder keg waiting to be ignited. Zoos are a ticking time bomb poised to destroy us all in a bloody orgy of claws, teeth, talons and fangs.

Perhaps you have been to a zoo and seen the variety of animals: cuddly koalas, cute little lemurs, majestic gorillas, and even regal lions. And perhaps you also spied the zookeepers, who, for some reason, wear safari-style khaki uniforms and hats. The zookeepers are the key to this impending catastrophe. Who cares for the menagerie? Who feeds the animals, cleans their enclosures and heals their wounds? That’s right. Zookeepers.

Without the zookeepers (The thin brown line) the zoos would be in chaos. Hungry tigers would greedily eat babies while nearby hyenas would fight over the carcasses of school field trip groups. In the dark corner, a content little monkey would lap up the pools of fresh crimson blood collecting around a dead grandmother whose face had been pecked apart and devoured by blue plumaged macaws.

By night the animals would escape their confines and stealthily invade our cities. Glowing eyes would be all the warning a sales executive would get before being ripped to sanguine shreds by a pack of vicious wolves. Venomous snakes would fly, via centrifugal force, from moving ceiling fans in suburban homes and sink their fangs into the faces of horrid, screaming housewives. After mastering the use of screwdrivers, chimpanzees would remove our doors, kill us in our sleep or cut the brakes on our city buses. Elephants would trample the elderly to death, crunching rib cages like potato chips and giraffes would bite flying kites out of the air and spit them back as children ran away crying. Society would collapse and hippopotamuses would eat our heads.

As you can now clearly see, we need two things if we’re to avoid this calamity:
1. Back up zookeepers, in case the regular zookeepers are sick or unable to work for some reason.
2. Secure locks on animal enclosures.

So, write your legislators and tell them that you do not want to be mauled by a zebra. Tell them America needs backup zookeepers and locks on the animal enclosures, lest we be destroyed. Thank you.

Lions, Tigers and Bears

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The Effects of the Megafauna on the Fall and Restoration of the Monarchy in Oz

by Jared Diamond

In the majority of his written works, scientist and author Jared Diamond attempts to show how the natural environment has influenced history. Previously, he has, with some skill, shown how distribution of biological resources led to the cultural predominance of Eurasian civilization and also how environmental factors precipitated the downfall of societies ranging from the Mayans to the Norse. Lions, Tigers and Bears tells a similar story; that of the collapse and eventual restoration of the Ozma government and how large animals came to play a crucial role in the unfolding political drama.

Diamond begins by examining the history of the realm of Oz and how its unique and tenuous monarchy came to power. Initially four separate sovereign nations; Munchkin, Gillikin, Quadling and Winkie became united by a monarchy which ruled from the city-state of Emerald City. It is through this history that Diamond makes the first and most crucial of his points; that geography made the eventual toppling of the monarchy a near certainty. Emerald City, situated on the central plain of Oz was unable to consolidate complete control over the rough and mountainous terrains in the outlying region. Throughout the Outlands, small societies were able to prosper in isolation and were often ignorant of the very existence of the centralized monarchy.

Jared Diamond

Furthermore, the cultures which grew up around the central plain were able to travel from one place to another easily, allowing for a cultural fusion of ideas, inventions and economies while the outlying mountainous regions and those beyond the Deadly Desert gave rise to isolated civilizations which could not share in the central plains culture. While the Ozma government could technically claim to rule the Land of Ez or the Dominions of the Nome King, the inhabitants of those lands, due to geography, would continually assert their independence causing a great deal of external stress to the central government. These outlying cultures developed societies entirely alien to the central plains societies; including differing religious systems and different domestication strategies. Thus, it was via environmental factors that Ozma was never able to consolidate complete control over the continent of Nonestica.

This would prove the monarchy’s undoing. Cultural fears of the desert and mountain regions made Ozma unwilling to expand. Without a coastline, and surrounded by alien cultures, the central plain became isolated, surrounded by hostile peoples. Continual attacks by the Nome King as well as by the Wicked Witches, a theocratic sect found in isolated mountainous regions of the West, weakened the power of the monarchy. The Wicked Witches were able to domesticate only one species; a flying monkey, found only in the mountains. The central plains societies were ill-adapted to fighting the soaring simians that would occasionally raid the central plains, further destabilizing the monarchy.

The flying monkeys (Brachyteles ecaudata) allow Diamond to introduce his thesis; the influence of the Megafauna on the collapse of Ozma’s government. The inhabitants of the central plains never domesticated any fauna, and were unable to cope with attacks by the flying monkeys. Thus, the Wicked Witches, with the help of the related sect of Wicked Wizards were able to expel King Pastoria of Oz and send his daughter Princess Ozma into exile. While Ozma was able to return to the throne for a short time, she was nevertheless unable to establish true governmental supremacy over the Land of Oz. After she was captured by the Nome King, the central government collapsed. With the central government non-existent, individual fiefdoms grew up and the influence of the trade unions, such as the Lollipop Guild, grew to fill the void of power in the lands.

Diamond then explores the issue of Megafauna, including central plains societies’ cultural aversion to large, predatory animals. Though the people of the plains feared lions, tigers and bears, it would be a lion, a rare form of forest-dwelling lion, that eventually helped secure a new dynasty in the Emerald City. Following the interregnum, the Scarecrow took control of the throne, though he was a weak monarch who ruled over a society near collapse. Trade had nearly broken down, infrastructure was ill-maintained and despite the numerous enemies on the borders, the army consisted of only one poorly built mechanical soldier. Though the Ozma monarchy was eventually restored, the problems inherent in Oz’s social, political and economic systems remain.

As an afterthought, Diamond presents a warning that societies such as the Land of Oz face important issues in their handling of the natural environment. Geographic pressures created a situation where the central plains people considered themselves invulnerable, while the outlying societies considered Oz ripe for the plucking. Had the denizens of Oz, Diamond asserts, taken a clear look at environmental and geographic factors, their society might not have been driven to near collapse.

While Lions, Tigers and Bears, is a good read, Diamond characteristically meanders through his ideas, stopping for several chapters to explore the evolutionary and agricultural history of meat trees. Indeed, the book presents a new and interesting take on the history of Oz, but generally only explores Megafauna in a few small sections, focusing instead on geology, weather and tectonics as an explanation of the political events in question while completely ignoring the fact that Megafauna in the lands in and around Oz would be apparently normal by Earthen standards. There have been several major scholarly works on political and economic life in the Land of Oz, but none have explored the bio-history of the region. Though Diamond’s writing has its faults, the issues he presents allow a new understanding of a troubled area’s past and possible futures.