Angels with Dirty Faces

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Of all the forms of musical expression, none is more primal than drumming.
The very act itself contains a sort of violent, animalistic savagery; a strike, an
attack, an assault. And no person captures this primitive pugilism better
than the visionary known as Mark Slak…

The genealogy of the Slak family is a murky mystery, with a sinuous outer wrapping of enigma, tied with the ribbon of a riddle. An interesting beginning may have been with Fifth Century B.C., in the city-state of Athens, in the mountain-strewn Peloponnesian Peninsula. For it was here that orator and philosopher Slakostophenes, a pupil of Democritus, advanced a peculiar idea, which is brought down through history as part of the “Dialects of Ephaestolous.” In a few short paragraphs of the Dialects, Slakostophenes gives his views on the origin of motion; the peculiar idea that all motion is in fact caused by tiny invisible horses which are harnessed to all matter. It was this idea which perhaps gave rise to current quantum theory, which predicts the existence of a group of force carrying particles known as Bosons, which do imbue matter with kinetic energy and make
motion possible.

Slakostophenes was perhaps an ancestor of later Slak Family candidate, an Roman Imperial Governor during the rule of Constantius II (337-361 A.D.). Justinius Slacus ruled over the Roman Province of Denmarcia in Northern Europe, in an age which saw the decline of the power and might of Imperial Rome. Records of the Slak Family are virtually nonexistent during the Middle Ages, but this is a common occurrence for a time when most of the population was illiterate, leaving only a few isolated monks to provide sparse historical accounts.

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Justinius Slacus
(Courtesy of the British Museum)

But, the Slaks resurface in Copenhagen in the early Nineteenth Century, when Hans Slak, son of wealthy cookoo clock merchant Albrecht Slak, began writing down children’s stories, fables and folklore. The stories of Hans Slak tell of evil witches lurking in the forests, beautiful mermaids under the sea, and unattractive ducks wandering through public parks. Though his stories captivated many, it is unfortunate for the Slak Family that rival author Hans Christian Anderson was a much better writer, a fact that has relegated Hans Slak to near obscurity. Jacum Slak, son of literary letdown Hans, was forced to come to America aboard a crowded steamer during the terrible winter of 1848, when Denmark found itself in the icy grip of the Great Radish Famine, when the radish blight decimated the farm-based economy of the Danish Plain.

In his diary, Jacum wrote of the joyous tears which came to him when he first reached New York Harbor, casting his dirt-covered face and hopeful eyes up to the greenish glory of the Statue of Liberty. This was a remarkable feat because the Statue of Liberty was not built for another thirty six years. For many decades
following their immigration to the United States, the Slak Family lived as humble farmers, tilling the earth of the fertile valleys of the State of Montsylvania. After a few decades, however, they eventually realized that there was no State of Montsylvania, so they relocated to Elizibethia, New Highland, Pueblon, Willinois, Calisotta and West Dakota before eventually finding an actual State of the Union…Ohio.

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The Statue of Liberty Now Exists

It was within the robustly flat borders of Ohio that Mark Slak was born to itinerant pastry chefs Alouicious and Delores Slak. Eventually Mark decided to serve his country, but accidentally got in the wrong long at the registration office, after which he fought for two years in the Belgian Marine Corps’ 33d Infantry Division, Tactical Psychotherapy Brigade “The Analyzin’ Eagles.” It was as a Drummer Boy (Third Class) in the
Belgian Armed Services that Mark Slak learned the important skills which were to guide him well for the rest of his life. His tour of duty over, Mark Slak returned to Ohio where he met up with his future band-mates one night at the local roller rink. The rest is history….except of course for those bits that are the future, and the future looks bright for this skin-rattling drumnaut.

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Mark Slak: The Drumnaut of the Stars