Philosophy

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Selections From the Philosophical Works of Theodore Hesperus, Gentleman

Theodore Hesperus

From This Electric World (1987)
Everyone should spend one day a year being contrary; simply disagreeing with every statement heard, every proposition put forth, every idea posited. Without disagreement there is no dialogue, without dialogue there is no education. It would also be fun if everyone was armed to the teeth on that day.

The crossword puzzle is perhaps the most pointless human endeavor. It is a waste of time unparalleled. The second biggest waste of time is sleeping.

Impotence is troubling, except when you’re talking about poison. No one wants to swallow poison and then be told that it is a highly potent poison.

The sheer number of all potato chips on Earth far exceeds the number of actual potatoes. That’s an interesting fact that often passes the thinking person by.

Scientists tell us that monkeys do not possess the powers of speech, nor of hypnosis. Unless the monkeys have just hypnotized us into thinking that they can’t talk. Conjecture is frightening.

There are true answers and false answers, but perhaps there could be a third. Maybe we could call it “maybe.”

What is hate? Perhaps hate is the absence of love or perhaps hate has a more intrisic existence. All I know is that I hate tuna fish sandwhiches.
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I Saw a Statue in the Park

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H.G. Peterson

One day, a dark day, I was working in my shed
With a last turn of the wrench, I attached the head
A tall black stove top hat, I put to cap it off
Turned the crank, charged it up, it started with a cough

I heard the gears, the servos whined loud while it rose
The head rotated round, the eyes upon me froze
With its mechanical mouth it uttered a roar
A halting speech that began “Twenty years and four score”

It then inquired where John Wilkes Booth could be found,
Demanded that revenge be had in this next round
Metallic claws clasped shut, his laser cannons armed,
Search algorithms looked for actors to be harmed

Breaking free, he rose up and lifted his arms high
“I will be avenged” he bellowed loud, “Booth must die”
From his copper beard electric sparks did fall
A metallic monster, way over six feet tall

Tearing through the wall, he then went out to the street
Strong though concrete is, pavement cracked beneath his feet
Crazed, the robot made his way toward our dear town square
Like a postal worker, then brought his guns to bear

He fired rockets right into the hardware store
Upon our little burg, my robot declared war
The church caught fire from the deadly laser rays
And after half an hour downtown was ablaze

Then from the Second Precinct, fifty cops arrived
They attacked my robot, but only four survived
Eventually the Army had to be deployed
So that my rampaging robot could be destroyed

The battle was epic, I won’t describe it here
Suffice to say the devestation was severe
After the attack, there was some great destruction
In a heap of rubble lies my great construction

Once robotic Lincoln seemed like a good design

Perhaps a robot Harding would be more benign

An Axes & Alleys Travelogue

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iron state

The Iron Tower: The world-famous Platha State Union Building stands like a sentry over picturesque downtown Plyon, the capital of the State of Platha.

Like Arizona, Platha was the last of the lower continental states to come into being. Yet today it is a respected and feared part of the Union; at once proud, belligerent and striking in its simplicity. The mystery of Platha is a smokescreen which it is difficult to denigmafy, but we shall attempt an explanation here.

Founded by refugees of the Bolshevik Revolution of 1919, Platha joined the Union in 1924. Though the 1926 Supreme Court ruling in the case of Disraeli v. Pumpkin forbid Platha from adopting Russian as its official language (causing state prosecutor general Alexander Pumpkin to resign), the plains of Platha brought hardy parlor pinks in droves to the state capital of Pylon, once home to a Native American fishing factory.

Alexandre Borschtov, the state’s first governor was elected in 1926 and ruled until his death in 1991 owing to Article III of the Platha State Constitution which disallowed term limits for governor. It should be noted, however, that no other Plathan governor has held the office for more than eight months. For the first 52 years of its existence, Platha was unique among the states in its refusal to send a Congressional delegation to Washington to conduct legislative business.

Known by its unofficial nickname, “The Iron State,” Platha has little that is official, save for their state political party, The Platha State Union, and their official newspaper. There is no state slogan, song, bird, insect or flower. Stranger still is the fact that Platha University, in Crustacean, fields not a single intercollegiate sports team, be it in football, rowing or competitive chair stacking. The state flag of Platha is a statuette of a silver, six-winged eagle atop a 37 and a half meter poll.

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