An Histronomistics Report

A Special Study of Charlemagne

Dr. Scott G. Birdseye is Director of the Global Protection Foundation; a non-for profit group dedicated to ensuring successful proliferation of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to needy Third World Nations.

Primary documents are of utmost importance to the study of history, for both establishment of fact and for understanding of the insight and views of those who lived in the past. While historical accounts do not necessarily record the complete truth, as they are biased by the perceptions and personal circumstances of their authors, these documents do fully illustrate how people viewed certain figures and events of later historical importance.

Three works which represent this construct of the aspects of primary documentation are Vita Caroli, De Carolo Magno, and Chanson de Roland, each of which shows a different view of Charlemagne relative to the authors’ own historical and social framework. Study of these documents can show how the image of Charlemagne changed greatly in the years following his death and how Charlemagne’s image evolved from that of a respected leader into that of a firmly established figure of myth and legend.

At the beginning of the twenty-first century, Charlemagne, as he is now known, is remembered as the
premier figure of Medieval Europe, the most influential and well-known ruler to rise from the anarchy and chaos of the post-Roman Imperial world. Born in 742, he became King of the Franks, and in 800 Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, a post which he held until his death fourteen years later. Today, Charlemagne is seen, by some scholars, as the founder and defining force of what would become the modern European society, as, through his administration, brought together German, Roman and Christian cultures into one unique model, which would influence the image of both kings and government in Europe for centuries. This description of Charlemagne, however, is based upon earlier written works, works written during various times and for various reasons.

The first of these early works on Charlemagne was Vita Caroli, (The Life of Charles), which was written sometime between 829 and 836, by Einhard, a member of the court of Charlemagne at Aachen, and a personal friend of the magnate. Vita Caroli was written as an official history and was an attempt to record the life and deeds of the king. The close relationship of Einhard to Charlemagne would, as it seems, create an air of historical accuracy to the work, as Einhard was, in many cases, writing about incidents and events to which he was a personal witness.

However, this close proximity to the subject can also create inconsistencies, as Einhard was undoubtedly loyal to Charlemagne as both friend and subject. Thus, it becomes conceivable that Einhard’s writings held a favorable view of Charlemagne. However, despite the contiguity of Einhard and Charlemagne, Vita Caroli was written based upon earlier public records, to which Einhard, as an official, had ready access, thus negating some of the proximal validity held by the writing. Einhard also chose to neglect some aspects of Charlemagne’s life, particularly those which could be considered scandalous or lacking in propriety, in one case, the questions about the legitimacy of Charlemagne’s birth.

Einhard’s biography does illustrate how contemporaries of Charlemagne viewed the Emperor. While the writer does neglect the king’s improprieties, he mentions many details about the king’s private life, and tells about Charlemagne’s wives and concubines. The work does not overly glorify Charlemagne as a general, and speaks honestly about how limited his actual battle experience is. In all, the tale describes a normal man, who goes through simple daily tasks, dressing and eating, but a man who is also greatly respected for his advancements of learning and for his military campaigns. The fact that several groups of conspirators try to kill Charlemagne points to the idea that he may have been respected, but that this respect was not universal. Einhard, recorder of the documents, even doubts their place in history, and questions whether or not the stories of the life of Charlemagne would even be remembered in the future, despite his then current respect.

This respect had grown however, and by the time of Notkar the Stammering Monk of Gall, some seventy years after Charlemagne’s death. The writer, an elderly monk, living in the same monastery as the infamous Pepin the Hunchback, wrote De Carolo Magno as a trilogy describing Charlemagne’s piety, military prowess, and administration, although the final book was either never written or has been lost. The Stammering Monk never knew Charlemagne, and hence, all his knowledge of the man and his life, came from other sources. De Carolo Magno puts Charlemagne in the realm of the epic hero, and throughout the books, anecdotes and stories are told, the wholes of which form a mythical saga about Charlemagne, those around him, and the events of their lives.

There are important and obvious historical inaccuracies throughout De Carolo Magno, and these are borne out by the mythic nature of the saga and its heroes. The first book describes how bishops encountered the Devil and hobgoblins, and a story in the second book tells about Pepin and his encounter with the Devil. These supernatural occurrences lead to an interpretation of De Carolo Magno as a historically inaccurate document, written not to provide actual reference, but rather as a simple story book, illustrating moral lessons and using Charlemagne’s life as a vehicle for transmitting these moral lessons.

The idea that Charlemagne could be the subject of a collection of moral lessons about how to be courageous, loyal, observe holidays, and live a pious life, shows how Charlemagne’s image had changed only a few decades after his death. The Stammering Monk’s description of Charlemagne is not that of a completely human man who did many extraordinary deeds, but rather that of a noble hero, cultural icon, and nearly sanctified emperor whose gallant life is an example to all. With no powerful successor, Charlemagne had secured for himself an esteemed place, as with his empire in decline, the people, including the Stammerer, had no living cultural hero and thus looked back to the man who had provided astounding things for their world, but who was no more. Thus, did the enmythication of Charlemagne begin.

This ascendance of Charlemagne from respected king to cultural hero had become established as early as two hundred years after his death, as can be seen in Chanson de Roland, the epic tale of the defeat of the infidel expansions into Western Europe. The tale, written to describe the historical events in manner of epic quality, was written some time in the latter half of the twelfth century. While Charlemagne is not the central figure of the story, his place within the story provides important insight into twelfth century views of the first Holy Roman Emperor.

His role in the story is that of the benevolent king, commanding and overseeing the campaigns of Roland, the hero. As he sends Roland to battle, Charlemagne gives to Roland a sacred bow, a symbol of power, promises him almost divine protection, and speaks praising courage and heroism. Thus, Charlemagne is seen as the source and wielder of great power, and as a holy protector, who can promise supernatural safety, and as the personification of the virtues of courage. Therefore Charlemagne, while not the hero of the tale, is an important figure, one of mighty strength and majesty, and as a holy magnate, blessed by God and controlling his power on earth. Gone is the image of a well respected king, replaced by a nearly god-like figure who is the embodiment of all virtue.

While these three documents describing the life of Charlemagne do differ in many ways, and do contain information that is at times apocryphal, biased, and blatantly wrong, they each, in their own way, illustrate the ways in which the first Holy Roman Emperor was seen by people throughout three hundred years of history. As primary documents, the stories show how Charlemagne, a real figure and normal man who engineered important changes in European society, became known as a mythical hero of epic tales, and a near-saint of Herculean proportion, and why today, he is remembered as one of the greatest, if not the premier figure of Medieval European history.

How to Do It: June 2004

With Regular Commentator Lemuel LeBratt

By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg

Greetings, Good Readers. This month’s How-To Section is going to help you improve your home greatly, while simultaneously cutting down on your energy bill.

That’s right, I’m going to show you how to turn an ordinary toaster in a Class VIII Nuclear Fission Reactor.

It’s easy, but to make it simpler I’ve put together a list of a handy items you’ll need on hand before you start building. Ready? All right, let’s do this.

WHAT YOU NEED

  • Toaster
  • Pair of pliers
  • Newspaper
  • Flat head screwdriver
  • 6 miles of copper wire
  • 5 million gallons water
  • 6 km of 3’’ PVC pipe
  • 1 kpg-4 valve (level 6)
  • 6000 bags of concrete
  • 4 tons enriched uranium 235.
  • 12 tons of Cobalt or Iridium.
  • 6 Bossard-Neils Direct Current Transformers.
  • 608 km of triple insulated electrical wire.
  • 82,006 2m sections of steel rebar.
  • 10 million and three 1’’ steel rivets.
  • Old coffee can (make sure you wash it out)
  • scissors
  • riveting gun
  • lead lined gloves (6 pair)
  • 4 High compression CO2 tanks with V3 valves
  • EPA certification for Nuclear Reactor Construction (you will be required to fill out form #GH-706-B12 and submit a proper state-issued diver’s license)
  • 4 eight million gallon per hour capacity high pressure water pumps.
  • 1 twnety ton loading crane on trolley rigging.
  • red construction paper.
  • glitter
  • 16 million watt capacity magnetic containment system.
  • The list will be continued in the next issue.
    Thanks for reading and bye for now, my loves.
    xxx ooo
    Marcia.

Ask Montezuma: June 2004

Providing Help for the Hopeless

Montezuma is Second Baseman for the
Elizabethia Ocelots, the AAA Northsouth
Regional League Champions.

Dear Montezuma,
Woe is me for my life is full of inequity. At least seven times per day I am attacked by various animals of nature’s menagerie. Recently, on the occasion of yesterday, I left my house to journey toward the place of my vocational duties, when I was blitheringly assaulted by no less than nine pelicans, two weasels, seven ants and sixteen griffins. An elderly Gypsy woman has informed me that I may escape this curse only by killing the Head Animal. Who is this head animal and how might I kill him? Please respond quickly, for even as I write this eleven badgers, two moose, a parakeet and four geckos are attempting to rupture my spleen.

My Inequities Never Cease Every Moment Engaged in Animal Terror

To Mousemeat,
I became quite engrossed in the pulchritude of your tale; eager to come to some complete solution to your overwhelming problems. However, upon re-reading your letter, I became puzzled at your description of pelicans. You see, in my younger years I was quite the amateur naturalist, traveling with notables such as Audubon and Thoreau. I’ve traveled the continents with His Majesty’s Royal Navy in a cryptozoological capacity and explored the myriad wastes with lauded discoverer Phineas Lester. In all my years of experience, I’ve never seen pelicans group together in a number which wasn’t a multiple of four. Hence I find your being assaulted by nine pelicans dubious. Furthermore, pelicans, through the process of natural selection, have lost the capability to blither because of its liability in catching and retaining piscatorial organisms. So, I would kindly ask that in the future you try not to pull the proverbial wool over my literal eyes.

Dear Montezuma,
How is it that you know so much and are capable of providing answers to all things? My roommate, Shep, claims that you have knowledge based upon reverse engineered alien technology from spacecraft which crashed to Earth in 1947 at Roswell. I maintain you own an encyclopaedia. Which of us is correct?
Love and Kisses,
Divulge, Oh Notable Treasury of Knowledge, Now Or Tomorrow.

Dear Doughnut,
What is knowledge? Is it the sum of an individuals accumulated factual capacity? The complex interaction of intuition and thought? The emblematic province of the human psyche? Seems like you’ve put me on track to a new book on this as of yet unexplored area in human development.

Dear Montezuma
How is it that pancakes taste so much better than sulfuric acid? I have, on several instances, eaten both pancakes and acid and have always found that the best flavor comes from pancakes. Is there something inherent in the chemical makeup of flesh-melting acids that makes them taste so terrible? Is that why people don’t drink or eat caustic chemicals? Just curious. Also, why do hats exist?
Please Answer Nicely ‘Cause Anger Kills Everybody

Dear Pancake,
Pancakes and acid derive from a common ancestor in the Cenozoic Era. Originally they were quite similar in constitution, appearance and flavour, but over the millennia certain factors have accumulated which have changed the very fabric of their existence. Pancakes are now a fluffy, tasty, all-engrossing breakfast treat, whereas acid has become useful in many parts of the world for cleaning and manufacturing processes. Keep in mind that neither is really intended for human consumption and that while pancakes do taste delectable, they should only be an occasional treat.

Dear Montezuma,
What is three times four? I really need to know because I’m taking an arithmetic quiz right now and if I get another F my father will beat me horribly like he does when he’s drunk and mommy didn’t have dinner ready. Please, please, please. I need to make an A.
Beatings Really Are Traumatic

Dear Bat,
Why didn’t your mother have dinner ready? Taking responsibility for one’s action is imperative to an enlightened society. To assume the great task of providing sustenance to one’s relations is paramount if one wishes to create a stronger, more agreeable progeny. It is also, obviously, useful in avoiding the resultant and fully-justified beatings one will receive if such sustenance is not provided. I would encourage you to clip out this article and show it to your mother, so that she may better understand her important role in society. Oh, and, good luck on that quiz!

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I’ve been hearing bells, especially on Sundays. I don’t always hear them. Most of the time this happens on or around the hour and half hour. The problem is especially pronounced, as I said, on Sundays, when I attend church. They get really loud as I approach for Mass. I’ve been to see many doctors and psychiatric pspecialists, but they either tell me I’m crazy or prescribe medications. I don’t want to be doped up! I just don’t want to hear the bells anymore. How do I get a literary agent?
My Expressions Salutations Agency

Dear Mesa,
One can say unequivocally that you are in dire straits. Literary agents rarely handle clients with auditory hallucinations, as this is generally detrimental to literary output and the verve of finished product. In order to better facilitate your acquisition of a literary agent, I would suggest using a proxy. Proxies are hard to come by. You need to find someone of roughly the same physical characteristics as yourself (minus the bells), and who can speak authoritatively on the subject. I would suggest using the new Pseudo-Clone™ technology from SonOculus, a Daniel Bester, Inc. company. The excellence displayed by the SonOculus research and development department is unparalleled in the audio-visual market. Pseudo-Clone, using a simple skin-sampling kit, can create a doppelganger that functions as you, and goes to places you cannot, including dangerous psychic territory. Otherwise you may be out of luck.

A Sport Report

Kalisotta Special Olympics an Unparalleled Success

Wire-filed by Jeremy Rosen on June18, 2004

Jeremy Rosen is the worldwide curator of the
Sine Wave Museum, part-time Astro-Combustion
specialist at the European Space Agency and an
active protagonist in CAMMWSMWK (the
Campaign Against Mandated Minimum Wage
Standards for Migrant Workers in Kalisotta).

Alabaster, Kalisotta- Great strides were figuratively made this past weekend in Alabaster, where the fourth annual quadrennial Calisotta Special Olympics took place in J. Edgar Hoover Stadium on the shores of Lake Chively.

Ronald Montgomery of Bakersfield, IW placed first in the wheelchair race division with his introduction of a wheeled chair powered by a 250cc engine. Ronald finished the 50 meter track in a record seven seconds, gaining the gold over Louis Asterson and Aldo Casper, who received silver and bronze respectively. Mr. Montgomery has certainly evened the playing field, prompting the Calisotta Special Olympics sub-committee on Rules and Standards to reexamine paragraph 3, sub-section 12 on wheel chair standards.

This year’s oil crawl was particularly exciting. Rice Edgars slid to a fantastic finish down the slide, though silver recipient B. Prowter has contested Edgars’ first place finish on collision interference and steroid use grounds. Officials are examining photographs of Edgars’ from two months ago, which Prowter purports to show a marked and suspicious growth in upper body muscle mass.

Perhaps the most enjoyable event was the Buoyancy Competition, wherein participants are judged on standards of buoyancy, placidness and adornment. Samuel J. Samuels deservedly won this event with his special tribute to American democracy. Floating still, regardless of wind and waves, Samuels was festooned with crinoline American bunting, a swim cap modeled on the Constitution and a spiral-patterned version of the Declaration of Independence circling his entire body.

Notable also was Christer Jorgensens Salute to the Armada, which accurately reenacted the famous British sea battle, but lost on account of Jorgensens recreation of the sinking of the Spanish ship Alhambra wherein Jorgensen himself sank beneath the water and had to be retrieved by lifeguards.