A Sport Report

Kalisotta Special Olympics an Unparalleled Success

Wire-filed by Jeremy Rosen on June18, 2004

Jeremy Rosen is the worldwide curator of the
Sine Wave Museum, part-time Astro-Combustion
specialist at the European Space Agency and an
active protagonist in CAMMWSMWK (the
Campaign Against Mandated Minimum Wage
Standards for Migrant Workers in Kalisotta).

Alabaster, Kalisotta- Great strides were figuratively made this past weekend in Alabaster, where the fourth annual quadrennial Calisotta Special Olympics took place in J. Edgar Hoover Stadium on the shores of Lake Chively.

Ronald Montgomery of Bakersfield, IW placed first in the wheelchair race division with his introduction of a wheeled chair powered by a 250cc engine. Ronald finished the 50 meter track in a record seven seconds, gaining the gold over Louis Asterson and Aldo Casper, who received silver and bronze respectively. Mr. Montgomery has certainly evened the playing field, prompting the Calisotta Special Olympics sub-committee on Rules and Standards to reexamine paragraph 3, sub-section 12 on wheel chair standards.

This year’s oil crawl was particularly exciting. Rice Edgars slid to a fantastic finish down the slide, though silver recipient B. Prowter has contested Edgars’ first place finish on collision interference and steroid use grounds. Officials are examining photographs of Edgars’ from two months ago, which Prowter purports to show a marked and suspicious growth in upper body muscle mass.

Perhaps the most enjoyable event was the Buoyancy Competition, wherein participants are judged on standards of buoyancy, placidness and adornment. Samuel J. Samuels deservedly won this event with his special tribute to American democracy. Floating still, regardless of wind and waves, Samuels was festooned with crinoline American bunting, a swim cap modeled on the Constitution and a spiral-patterned version of the Declaration of Independence circling his entire body.

Notable also was Christer Jorgensens Salute to the Armada, which accurately reenacted the famous British sea battle, but lost on account of Jorgensens recreation of the sinking of the Spanish ship Alhambra wherein Jorgensen himself sank beneath the water and had to be retrieved by lifeguards.

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