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Category Archives: Quick Hits
The Historigon: Clauduary 2008
This Month in History:
2008 AD- A monster attacks New York City, but no one notices this time.
2004 AD- Television show Futurama has no idea it’s about to be canceled.
2003 AD- High school sophomore Kayla Dobbs of Scranton, PA, fears that senior Michael Allen knows she likes him.
1995 AD- After six disappointing weeks without a single sale, Roscoe’s Pumpkins Filled with Tuna goes out of business.
1972 AD- In a discussion about the Imperial Japanese attack on Nanjing, feminist Gloria Steinem declares that all invasion is rape.
1938 AD- The Japanese and the Russians have a tea party on the border of Manchukuo and Mongolia. Many thousands do not leave the party.
1918 AD- As commander of the Rainbow Division, General Douglas MacArthur leads the charge into No-Mans-Land armed only with a feather duster.
1824 AD- Sailors aboard the H.M.S. Pigeon use the tortoise’s shell as a bowl to serve a meal of fresh tortoise stew.
1754 AD- Avant Garde artist Jizumo Nakamura creates a confusing and troublesome 18 syllable haiku. The shocked and astonished Shogun has him executed.
1555 AD- Several people engage in sexual intercourse. Two couples have a good time. One couple vomits from the smell.
1443 AD- King Sejong takes credit for inventing the Korean alphabet and has the entire group of linguistics wizards killed so they don’t blab to anyone.
1105 AD- Alfonso VII of Castile dies after being choked by sapient truffles sent back in time by King Desregar or the Plotuthnan Kingdom located in the same geographical area, but 400,000 years in the future.
1066 AD- Australian aborigine Topath has no idea that the crucial turning point in English history has occurred.
800 AD- Pope Leo III is given a dirty look by Charlemagne as the former accidentally steps on his foot whilst crowning him Holy Roman Emperor.
700 AD- Stephen and John of Glastonbury invent the world’s first commercial while acting out messages for pay from local shopkeepers at the town tavern during saga night. Some grog is thrown.
600 AD- The Mayans begin the only period in history where native Mexicans can feel themselves superior to anyone except the French.
500 AD- A raving Sterolab fan is accidentally transported to the past and dropped in Wei Dynasty Northern China. He is promptly killed after playing the neo-lounge act through his iPod for the local magistrate.
400 AD- The Roman Empire lets out a small fart.
320 AD- Chitartha goes one better and invents the super-zero, which is three times greater than zero, but fails to catch on with his fellow mathematicians.
89 BC-Another year goes by without Meso-Americans inventing the wheel.
207 BC- Someone in Sparta decides it’s about time to have some fun.
530 BC- Cyrus II orders a fig pie. He dies shortly afterward.
622 BC- Seriously, some guy whose name you can’t pronounce defeated this other dude you don’t care about and went on to do some rad stuff for his people that had no effect on you at all. Really, history doesn’t mean much, does it?
753 BC- Those Romans liked to say their city was founded in this year, but it was really Poughkeepsie.
1203 BC- The Olmecs figure a big head on the porch ought to look pretty cool.
1492 BC- A large massing of weevils in the future Ohio causes lightning and cloud formation.
1666 BC- The first drunk dial occurs when Sham, son of Norath, uses his small bow to let his girlfriend know he’s horny.
2545 BC- Seven brothers marry seven sisters, but each sister is really their own sister. It doesn’t end well and we don’t really feel like going into it here because it’s too depressing. Ask about it again later.
3820 BC-Shaduthusha is voted as having the worst reedmanship of all the scribes in Uruk.
17,456 BC- Sparklegirl108 Smith, the world’s first time traveler, goes off course and crashes her time ship, inadvertently killing her ancestor and erasing her existence, and thus causing time travel to never be invented in the future.
43,257 BC- Poga becomes the last person ever killed by a giant ground sloth.
4, 007, 373, 387 BC– A self-replicating protein begins creating copies of itself on a clay surface, beginning the long march toward the existence of James K. Polk.
I Can’t Believe it’s Not Water
Accuview
Letters: Clauduary 2008
Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof
Hi Axes & Alleys,
Thanks for the nice words and cool idea. I love a good zine. When the movie hits maybe we can get the live-action Cassie Hack actress on your cover. Would love to be a part of a rad zine in some way.
Todd Lincoln
Axes & Alleys,
Go ahead! 🙂 Haha. So awesome. And kinda hot. Thanks for the advertising.
TIM!
Tim Steely
Note- The “Go head” in the above correspondence was an affirmative answer to our request to have Ms. Hack appear as our cover girl. Ed.
Sir:
THE TROTSKY RED PUPPET MOVEMENT is on the move along the Eastern Front. We are just now infiltrating the 900 block of B’way. YIELD TO YOUR FATE before it is too late! As our leader said in his lugubriously persuasive manifesto: ‘Papier Mache forever! We give the finger to the lie.‘
Dmitri Tolteca
Trepassey, Newfoundland, Canada
To the Editors,
Your characterization of Dothan, Alabama is atrocious (Volume 456-BR8, Issue 10)! As you could no doubt tell if you had bothered to visit our city’s fine web site (www.dothan.org), you would know that we have an entire section of the site devoted to tourism. In fact, that section has sub-divisions. Yes, it’s true, we have murals! In addition, the “advertisement” included in your magazine does not contain an authorized promotional photograph of Highway 231.
Pat Thomas, Mayor
Dothan, Alabama
mayor@dothan.org
Dear A&A,
Mud flaps. That’s right, I said it. Mud flaps.
Lacey Mosley
Arlington, Texas
To Whom It May Concern,
We must endeavour in these darker modern ages to take stock of the cultural enigmas passed down to us through the generations. Why have we stopped at only six simple machines? Why not have seven? As cartographic technology becomes more precise, why are border check points not moved accordingly by inches? When it is merely an artefact of artistic Darwinism and the accidental happenstance of overtones, why is most
popular music entirely tonal? When it isn’t, why is it that it’s always the successful popular musicians who are experimenting with drugs at the time who take a non-tonal or semi-tonal approach to their compositions? I was just wondering.
Russ Bertie
Cookie Monster, UK
Axes & Alleys,
How come your covers never feature a wispy English girl with light brunette hair? I mean, I’ll keep buying the magazine and all, this isn’t a threat. I’d just like to see a very thin young woman from the British Isles with the aforementioned hair. Maybe just this side of cute, but you know, leaning toward the pretty. like you talked about in your “Cute, Pretty, Beautiful” article (Volume 456-BR8, Issue 01).
Dan Simmons
Colorado, United States
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I’ve written to you several times this year under various names. I just wanted to point out that your Clauduary issue contained letters written entirely by me! Thanks!
Jane Moist
Knightsbridge, UK
Axes & Alleys,
With over 7 million albums sold, we feel that we should be reviewed or appear in your magazine. Over a century of issues and yet not a single mention of us at all. Sales that high should count for something.
Various Artists
Hollywood, USA
To the Editors,
Hi Editors. Ja, we are writing to announce the German Shame Parade here in New York City. You see, every type of person gets their own parade of pride here, but we Germans cannot because we are ashamed and a shameful people. We would still like a parade, however, so we have created this one to celebrate our shame. Don’t be fooled by the smiles; we are deeply unhappy.
Lars Halter, General Chairman
German-American Steuben Shame Parade
New York, NY
www.germanparadenyc.org
Dear Editors,
Is this some kind of sick joke? Do you honestly believe that you can get away with it? I’ll get you. I’ll get every last one of you.
Katie Stalin
“Queens”, New York