WrittenCorrespondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof.

Dear Axes and Alleys:
I wish to extend to all of you Peace, Happiness and Hope for the coming New Year, and let us wish also for better health. I thank you for the lovely cards which many of you have sent. Now for new and old information which you may need. The exterminator is coming on a Saturday so that almost all tenants are home at that time. You know that roaches and rodents will not invade your apartment if you keep it clean. If these pests have no food they cannot live. Do not leave food anywhere in the open, and keep the garbage in closed plastic bags until taken outside to the garbage cans. Place your bags in the cans and cover with the lids which have been provided for you. You know that you must recycle which means separate: plastics, glasses, and cans from the papers and other materials. Do not clog the drains with hair and other objects which should not be thrown into sinks. If you do, you pay for the plumber’s work.
I am sending the envelopes for the rent. You put your name on the left corner of the envelope and the rest is printed for you. You know that rent is due on the first day of each month. Many of you refuse to acknowledge it. I understand that it is hard to have enough money for all the things we wish to have, but rent must be send before many things are bought which are not that necessary. Remember to have 5 things on the check you send for rent: YOUR NAME-APARTMENT NUMBER-BUILDING NUMBER-THE MONTH FOR WHICH YOU ARE PAYING-AND CENTS. Please send the cents. For instance you rent is $825.34, include the 34 cents. The reason is that many of you have the same rent and the same name. The cents are there for individuality, so that no one has the same amount of rent as you. Write your name and the numbers clearly because the computers in the bank can refuse a check it cannot read. Please do not write in the upper left corner. Write on the lower left corner of your check: date (month and year), apartment and house numbers. If you need further information call or write. I read all the notes you send me. If you call, speak slowly and clearly, and leave your telephone number.
Happy Holidays, F. & M. Di Rico

Dear Magazine,
Hooray for Puffins!
Love,
The North Atlantic Treaty Orgnization

To the Editrix, Ms. Grunion,
I would like to point you to the advertisement on page 5 of your latest issue (Volume 456-BR7(9) Issue 6). I, that is to say as myself, have personally used Mertleson’s Assassination-Proof Lavatory Fixtures in my own home. I went to the local Domicile Terminus six months ago to purchase a Mertleson’s Mk. IV Polished Black Teak fixture. I enjoyed the use of my Mk. IV, lavating my head, torso and buttocks, but not my feet, twice daily. The six feature adjustable tub jets with optional erotic hologram display was perfect for my uses (these do not include committing Onan’s sin in the Mk. IV fixture). For five months I was safely ensconced from noon to nine in my Mk. IV. However, I’d like to tell you about the events of November 27, 2004. You see, I was engaged in exfoliating the pre-grundal region of my scrotum with a mixture of microbeads and volcanic ash when two men entered the bathing area of my home. I greeted them, as anyone would, and encouraged them to make themselves at home. To my surprise, I was stabbed 13 times and strangled, my corpse mutilated by one of the previously mentioned men. As such, I would like to inform your readers that as a pipe-fitter for Local 306, I am not a target for assassination. Mertleson’s Assassination-Proof Lavatory Fixtures do not equal a get-out-of-death card. These fixtures do not mean that one can live a life of living and metabolizing
if one is not of political or religious importance. My post-murder experience has been, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, a bit rigorous, but I have enough time in my day to write to you to mention this small matter. I would encourage your readers on no note to keep this in mind and suggest that Axes & Alleys include such a disclaimer as is necessary in all future advertising media from Mertleson’s included in your fine publication.
With warmest regards,
Sir Charles Napier

To the Editors,
The Clumbak Particles have made the state very proud. In their championship match with the Norbert Instigators, they performed extremely well, coming up 17-2 at the head and gaining national attention. Our state should help support the Particles in every possible way. New team shirts should be purchased and equipment donated as quickly as possible. The tax dollars are needed, the heart of the children is there and no one has played a finer game of Chutes and Ladders in the history of the game as a competitive sport.
Sincerely,
Ethel Rosenberg

Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

To The Esteeméd Editors,
In June’s issue (Vol. 456-br7, Issue 04), you carried an advertisement for H.B. Industrial Systems’ “Imagine” line of products. I am concerned that you might be misleading your readers by the inclusion of this marketing ploy. “Imagine Time,” one of the background lines of the image is a dangerous thing to say. You see, time is not part of the imagination, but a constant of our Universe (I’m not sure about other Universes, but they’re pretty much on their own lookout, aren’t they?). Do you realize the many lives that have been ruined by this capitalist plea? Doctor’s appointments missed, aeroplanes launched at the wrong moment, scientific timetables ruined and all experimental data void, leaving one at the cruel ignominy of peers and colleagues who ridicule at the university dining hall tables usually reserved for one, but now no seat is to be found as they laugh and laugh (this was my particular predicament). All because one sits comfortably, or stands, or lays awkwardly astride the couch “imagining time.” Keep such considerations in mind the next time Axes & Alleys is accepting advertising money.
Regards,
Walton Shuffle, Ph.D

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Do you remember the time we lay in the grass, enjoying the interplay of light and shadow from tree and cloud? Do you remember how I gently opened you beneath the grand oak on the hill, stroking your luxuriant pages with my verdant eyes? I didn’t think so. However, in the future, remember this: the attentions of a scorned reader past come back ten fold in future retribution.
Yours truly,
Joe Lapinski, Ret.

Dear Ms. Grunion,
I would like to thank you for the wonderful History of Tractors article (Issue 24). That was perhaps the foremost writing of the subject I’ve seen in two years. I once had a tractor and would very much like to have one again, therefore the entire issue, returning to the Roots of Axes & Alleys was quite a boon for me when I saw it in the gutter last Thursday. Someday, I too will be a tractor pilot and I will have you to thank.
With Effulgence,
Morty

Dear Sirs,
We were always destined to see this sad day. Set aside the cost of victory and the anguish of defeat; we’re going to wind up with a renamed overpass everyone hates. Our town is more divided than ever over this issue, especially since the overpass cuts through the geographic center of town.
Overpasses have a way of not traveling the expected route. Not a one of us who desired to see our overpass renamed in honor of this city’s longest-serving alderman, Chet “Hoe Boy” Addison, is happy with the result.
Nor, I’m sure, are the proponents for the winning name, that in “honor” of God almighty. You see, I was traversing the overpass, when I noticed that all the signage upon, around and pointing to the overpass had it listed as the “Godd Overpass.” It seems there will ever be more conflict as it is now impossible to change the name.
Sincerely,
William C. Stosine
Belfry Nave, IW

Dear Ladies and Gentleman,
It bothers me that you continually ignore the Gods throughout this publication. To you, I suppose, it is all just science, facts, figures and bunson burners. Does science bring you the weather? Huh? No, it is Neptune. Does science strike you dead with lightning bolts? No, that’s Jupiter that does that. And who do you think brings us wine? Science? Think again, people. That would be Bacchus. Remember that from now on please.
Ajax Muhammad.

Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

To the Publisher,
Ms. Grunion, I would just like to point out that you are one hot piece of ass. You’re good at that editing gig, too. But damn! What a nice rack! I mean, I’ve never spent so much time in the bathroom reading a tractor magazine (except for the John Deere Catalog, 1988).
Well, anyway, I just wanted to find out more about you. Are you married? What is your favorite sexual position? How can I make my wife be more like you in every way? Are those natural? When can we expect a full nude pictorial spread in Axes & Alleys?
Please let me know if I’ve been too forward.
Sincerely,
Dr. John F. Kennedy (relation)
Pembroke College, Cambridge, UK

To the Editors,
I would like to take this most momentous and grand opportunity to craft a proper response, for publication in your letters section, to Mr. Ilich Ramirez “Carlos the Jackal” Sanchez’s letter of last month (Written Correspondences, Vol. 456-BR7 Issue 2, April 2004) stating that “there is nothing quite as cool as Quakers.”
It is a well recorded fact in scientific circles that the source of Pennsylvania’s magic is not, in fact, Quakers. Quakers have done more to denude Pennsylvania of its magicalness than any other single group.
Pennsylvania is magical because it was seeded with magical grass by an ancient Red Injun sorcerer, who thereby imbued the area with paranormal properties. As is the nature of grass, it spreads and some of these magical properties have been passed into parts of surrounding states: New York, New Jersey, Montsylvania and
by passenger pigeon to Ohio.
This dilution of Pennsylvania’s magical powers threatens the tourist industry, the environment and thus the unique nature of the state. Quakers have only sped up this process through their “peace” and their “farming.” I urge all readers to protest such acts of Quaker aggression wherever they arise.
Yours truly,
R. Bud Dwyer
Harrisburg, PA

To the Editors,
I am deeply disturbed by your recent move over the last decade towards non-tractor-related subject matter. I find this trend obscene and ask that it be stopped forthwith, returning Axes & Alleys to the pristine state it once enjoyed in tractornalia.
Once I was a businessman in a big city with a nice condo, a supermodel wife, seven figure income and the rest. At that time, forty years ago, such things were commonplace. No one was poor, mismoral or gay.
As a child I had a fascination with tractors. This waned with age as my interest in women and money grew. However, a great aunt of mine, as great aunts do, never forgot this childhood fascination and forty years ago gave me a subscription to Axes & Alleys as a birthday present.
Boy did it open my eyes! I straight away divorced my wife, quit my job and left the city for the country, shunning such a life of excess. I purchased a large tract of land in western Iowa, married a pretty farmer’s daughter and increased my profit share over the years.
I am now the Chief Executive Officer of the world’s largest agricultural interest, having brought prosperity and wealth to my adopted town, now a bustling metropolis thanks to my enterprises. I ask that you turn back to a simpler time with your magazine.
Sincerely,
John Henry,
CEO AgroFarm™
West Liberty, IW

Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear Sirs,
I would like to write a letter to express my gratitude to you for possessing the boldness necessary to publish last month’s superb article “Picturesque Waynesboro, Georgia.” Why, I was so impressed with your article that I decided to take my vacation there this year. My lesbian-life-partner Trudy and I had a wonderful time enjoying all the exciting things that Waynesboro had to offer. We especially enjoyed The Wet Spot and Rock the Box, two of the city’s many lovely lesbian bars. The highlight of our trip was when we got to see Elvis Bussard, one of our favorite drag kings, perform the Andy Williams’ song “Moon River.” What a treat! Thanks a bunch for your article, I look forward to more fun from your magazine in the future.
Love in Christ,

Angela C. MacArthur

To Whom This Might be of Concern:
It has occurred to me that July 1st of this year will be the nine hundred and seventh anniversary of the Battle of Dorylaeum (Eskisehir), fought between the Turkish forces of Kilij Arslan, Seljuk Sultan of Rum and the Crusaders under Bohemond of Taranto. Truly the Novcentetseptennial of this important battle demands serious recognition within the pages of your publication. Why, if the Crusaders had not won this battle, how could they have subsequently captured the city of Antioch? Where then would our modern world be? On our block we will be having a barbeque and cake walk to commemorate this event, because we must always remember the sacrifices of those who fought to conquer foreign lands and suppress unfamiliar religions. We must never forget that these noble Christian invaders defeated the Saljuks, directly leading to the collapse of the Ottoman empire a mere eight centuries later.
Thank you.
Warmest Regards,

Maximilian “Mac Attack” Smythe-Horowitz

Dear Publishers of Axes and Alleys,
Recently I have discovered a device which can imbue kangaroos with telekinetic powers. I call in the Pneunguin, because I already registered that name back when I was trying to come up with a pneumatic penguin. Unfortunately I happened to invent the kangaroo thing first, so that’s that I guess.
Love,

Arthur Gordon (Mrs.)

Dear People,
I would like to point out that across this land, criminals who violate laws, have no respect for the social contract. Convicted convicts and felons who commit crimes should be held accountable for their criminal actions in courts and court-like institutions.
As a legally abiding law abider, I think that these criminals should take crime more seriously. Not only does crime violate the law, but it is an infraction against the penal code. Judges and juries should take more time out of their busy schedules to try these convicts and convict them.
Crime would not be such a terrible thing in our society if we had fewer criminals, felons, convicts, lawbreakers, and offenders. Perhaps we should remember that the next time we go to the polls to vote in an election. Otherwise, criminals will be free to violate the legal laws without repercussions.

Delores Pogrot-Grunion-Habberdan