Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
To the Publisher,
Ms. Grunion, I would just like to point out that you are one hot piece of ass. You’re good at that editing gig, too. But damn! What a nice rack! I mean, I’ve never spent so much time in the bathroom reading a tractor magazine (except for the John Deere Catalog, 1988).
Well, anyway, I just wanted to find out more about you. Are you married? What is your favorite sexual position? How can I make my wife be more like you in every way? Are those natural? When can we expect a full nude pictorial spread in Axes & Alleys?
Please let me know if I’ve been too forward.
Sincerely,
Dr. John F. Kennedy (relation)
Pembroke College, Cambridge, UK
To the Editors,
I would like to take this most momentous and grand opportunity to craft a proper response, for publication in your letters section, to Mr. Ilich Ramirez “Carlos the Jackal” Sanchez’s letter of last month (Written Correspondences, Vol. 456-BR7 Issue 2, April 2004) stating that “there is nothing quite as cool as Quakers.”
It is a well recorded fact in scientific circles that the source of Pennsylvania’s magic is not, in fact, Quakers. Quakers have done more to denude Pennsylvania of its magicalness than any other single group.
Pennsylvania is magical because it was seeded with magical grass by an ancient Red Injun sorcerer, who thereby imbued the area with paranormal properties. As is the nature of grass, it spreads and some of these magical properties have been passed into parts of surrounding states: New York, New Jersey, Montsylvania and
by passenger pigeon to Ohio.
This dilution of Pennsylvania’s magical powers threatens the tourist industry, the environment and thus the unique nature of the state. Quakers have only sped up this process through their “peace” and their “farming.” I urge all readers to protest such acts of Quaker aggression wherever they arise.
Yours truly,
R. Bud Dwyer
Harrisburg, PA
To the Editors,
I am deeply disturbed by your recent move over the last decade towards non-tractor-related subject matter. I find this trend obscene and ask that it be stopped forthwith, returning Axes & Alleys to the pristine state it once enjoyed in tractornalia.
Once I was a businessman in a big city with a nice condo, a supermodel wife, seven figure income and the rest. At that time, forty years ago, such things were commonplace. No one was poor, mismoral or gay.
As a child I had a fascination with tractors. This waned with age as my interest in women and money grew. However, a great aunt of mine, as great aunts do, never forgot this childhood fascination and forty years ago gave me a subscription to Axes & Alleys as a birthday present.
Boy did it open my eyes! I straight away divorced my wife, quit my job and left the city for the country, shunning such a life of excess. I purchased a large tract of land in western Iowa, married a pretty farmer’s daughter and increased my profit share over the years.
I am now the Chief Executive Officer of the world’s largest agricultural interest, having brought prosperity and wealth to my adopted town, now a bustling metropolis thanks to my enterprises. I ask that you turn back to a simpler time with your magazine.
Sincerely,
John Henry,
CEO AgroFarm™
West Liberty, IW