JEWS IN SPACE!

A Look at the Adventure of Following the 613 in Space

Jerusalem 5: Israel’s new space station is our last best hope for Shalom!

As humanity moves further into the Space Age, the burden will be upon us evermore so to redefine our cultural traditions for the new environment of the Void. As we explore the stars, so must we reëxplore ourselves.

Of utmost import to me today are the 613 commandments which Jews are obligated to practice. I’ve used a fine Pre-Ciso knife to whittle down the list to a few choice items. Earlier, I took the opportunity to sit down with three leading Rabbinical authorities to discuss the challenges inherent to the prospect of Jewry in Space, specifically the practice of the 613 Mitzvot.

Though they differed on many key points, as Rabbis often do, they agreed that tradition must not be forgotten; indeed our cultural legacies are perhaps the most important cargo we will collectively stow away for our long voyage into the Universe.

Rabbi Menachem Schmileson started the Rabbinical Institute for the U.S. Department of the Navy during World War II and has been at the forefront of the automated bris movement since 1962. While there have been some recent problems with the fourth generation of robotic circumcision equipment, stock in Mecha-Snip! LLC has skyrocketed.

Rabbi Jared Schmendelson is a graduate of the Yeshiva Gran Tourismo in Milan, Italy and specializes in practical applications of the Torah in the formula 1 racing circuit and has published many papers on the transmission of the Talmud via quantum entanglement. He is currently rabbi-in-residence at the Art Nouveaux Reform Temple in Charlotte, NC.

Rabbi Ahuva Zusman Keshet was the only Ultra-Orthodox scholar willing to participate in this forum. He did not offer any biographical information, but he has a wonderful felt hat.

And Now the Discussion

Jews are commanded to affix a mezuzah (a small prayer scroll in a case) to the doorpost of their home. Obviously this would not apply to a temporary dwelling such as a space ship. However, we currently have an International Space Station in orbit. What is the proper place in which to affix a mezuzah in the ISS?

Schmileson: Well, the ISS has airlocks, not doors, so while it is an entrance, it has no doorposts. Furthermore, it’s a modular system. So let’s say you put the mezuzah in one module and it’s connected to another. Which way is in and which way is out? My solution would be to place a mezuzah on both sides of the airlock.

Schmendelson: Clearly a mezuzah belongs on the main access hatchway, however the main living compartment also contains a toilet facility, which makes it a space used for unclean actions. A mezuzah on the main access hatchway is the only reasonable place.

Keshet: Jews should not live in the space station.

Jews are commanded to recite the Shema every morning and every night. How could this be accomplished in orbit or in an interplanetary spaceship, where night and day do not necessarily apply?

Schmendelson: The mission time is set at the launch point of the aircraft for orbital missions. Day and night should be judged according to that time on the ISS. As for an orbital mission, the same general time applies. For a journey to another planet or star, it becomes debatable. The launch facility time should be used until halfway through the mission, then the time at the place of landing or orbit should be used for the other half.

Keshet: Jews should not travel in space.

Schmileson: The most appropriate time is the time in Jerusalem for interplanetary expeditions. Once arrived, the day and night cycle will be completely different. G-d did not command us to observe our circadian rhythms, but the Days and Nights. When on another planet, the rising and setting of the Sun as seen from that planet should be used. While I’m sure G-d would appreciate the Shema twice every 90 minutes, he knows that such blessing would detract from the temporal mission. It’s best to follow mission time.

There is also a commandment not to leave a beast which has fallen beneath its burden unaided. Positing that the vessel in which one travels through the Void is such a beast, what should an observant Jew do in a vessel which is in danger?

Keshet: Spaceships and space stations are not beasts. Jews should not be in them, on them or around them.

Schmileson: Absurd. Totally absurd. Vessels are obviously not beasts. Would you have sailors tend to their ships as animals?

Schmendelson: Sailors tend to treat their vessels as being alive and thus with care. The same could be said of a void-traversing vessel, which provides more life and sustenance for the traveler than any surface vessel. Care should be taken to meet the needs of the ship.

Let’s say you’re traveling with an Ammonite or a Moabite.

Schmileson: There are no more of those people.

Okay. You colonize the planet and only have a daughter, while a Gentile has a son. These are the only progeny. How do you continue the colony?

Schmendelson:If there is a Gentile who does not convert, I would say the special circumstances allow the union, but not if it be forced. How is the seed of Israel to continue in the stars?

Schmileson: Jews should not travel with gentiles, but in such a case I would say smite the Moabite or Ammonite and impress upon the Gentile to convert. If this does not happen, artificial insemination would be appropriate if everyone cared for the ensuing children. However, Jews don’t belong in space, so the question is moot.

Keshet: The colony should never have started.

Jews are not supposed to work on the Sabbath (and other holidays). How is this accomplished in an environment where mere existence is and relies upon work?

Schmendelson: If you cannot live without the work you must do daily I feel it’s the same as the accommodations made to those who are too frail or unhealthy to not eat on days where Jews fast, like Yom Kippur. If not maintaining the space craft or station will endanger your life, you may continue to work.

Schmileson: That sounds Kosher to me.

Keshet: Yet another reason why the Void is no place for Jews.

What about eating organisms on another planet? Certainly if there are creatures on another world they will be significantly different from those on Earth. What is the far-flung traveler to do?

Schmileson: That is particularly un-Kosher. The expedition should bring enough supplies with it for the duration of its stay. If a colony is planned, I suppose a trained Rabbi should be sent along to decide what’s Kashrut. One should hope that there are ruminants or cloven hooved creatures on the colony world.

Keshet: You just keep proving my point. If your daddy was circumcised and wore a yarmulke, don’t step off-planet.

Schmendelson: I would say that under the circumstances, of which there are many different ones, alien creatures could be eaten if lives were at stake, but every effort should be made to bring along that which is needed to survive.

Now, you’re not to possess inaccurate scales or weights. How does a Jew conducting business in space or on another planet do so properly?

Schmileson: That’s pretty simple. Just recalibrate your instruments to work on the other planet. Modern technology is quite useful, just don’t do it on the Sabbath (and charge interest).

Schmendelson: If you’re traveling to many different worlds, it may become difficult to carry the proper weights and scales. I would suggest that any businessmen not deal goods while traversing the Void.

At this point Rabbi Keshet left the Kosher deli in which we were having our discussion. I’ve not heard from him since, but he left his hat, so if anyone knows where he is make sure to drop us a line.

Men and women are exhorted not to wear the clothing of the other. How does this apply to spacesuits, which were originally worn by men?

Schmileson: Spacesuits can be considered tools and not clothing, therefore it does not matter who wears them. As for the coveralls worn underneath, these are not intended for people of either sex, so may be worn by both without problem.

Schmendelson: I’m sure as the human presence in space grows, people will come to treat spacesuits as a fashion statement. As such, a man should not wear a woman’s spacesuit or vice versa, as it will be a personal exhibition of that person’s cultural mores.

Finally, there are several injunctions against letting an uncircumcised person touch holy things. What if aliens do not have penises or male and female.

Schmileson: I’m not even going to get into that one.

Schmendelson: Maybe Jews shouldn’t be in space after all.

Clearly, the expansion of the Hebrew peoples throughout the cosmos is a question meant for the Talmud. Hopefully, this article will be the first step in a close examination of the circumstances Jewry will encounter among the many stars. Surely many of these can be answered before we leave the atmospheres for the greater glory of the galaxy. If there are any rabbis out there who would like to add to this column, please feel free to contact the editors of this fine magazine.

Written by

Thomas Alva Edison and the New Electro-Ethereal Power

Great advances come to the Paris of the Pine Trees which promise to invigorate our bustling municipality. A few years ago the process of refitting and upwardly mobilating the gradient of lighting and power systems was begun by fellow members of the Pluto-Theosophy party. These have come to a fortuitous and American conclusionwith the ignition of our very own direct current power station, provided with the good graces of famed constructomaton Thomas Alva Edison.

It has been bandied about, with no lack of help from the craven Oligo-Unitarian Party, that alternating current, not direct current, is the proper and patriotic current. Such specious remarks are patently false, unabrigedly non-sacrosanctand perhaps incorrect. While alternating current, like the party which supports it, changes direction many hundreds of times a second, direct current efficiently and continuously (except during recharging) flows in one direction, directly into your own home!

One wouldn’t be desirous of a type of current which scores of times plied the ether in a direction not that of one’s fine Bethany’s lamps, would one? Whereas alternating current, like the Oligo-Unitarian party, requires miles and miles of wiring and urban sprawl to function, direct current satisfies one’s power needs with a fraction of the wiring and no such ungainly sprawl. Alternating current is the power of filthy immigrants. One can only imagine such generating stations powering and protecting growing Katharinetowne for true-born West Dakotans in the years to come!

A complicated system comprised of scary items; dynamos, mutable amalgams endowed by their decidedly European creator Tesla with the moniker “transformer,” the enigmatic a.c. motor; is clearly not the system for greater Katharinetowne! Clearly a system involving a simple battery is better. Batteries recall patriotic visions of our forefathers battling the scourging British and lobbing liberty shells from their batteries. Such is the American-accepted, American-invented system supported by the Pluto-Theosophy party; a system made by an American. Direct current is the American current.

Jeremy-Joseph Rosen is the greater Katharinetowne City Council member for Ward 14 and Chairman of the Council Sub-Committee on Modern Powering Systems. In 1997, he won several prizes in the Grand Nationals of Underwater Floral Arrangement.