Montezuma is an avid “Battleship” player, whose favorite move is the classic D9. His moped is coloured blue with while stripes.

Dear Montezuma,
Why don’t Hollywood filmmakers make movies for me, the guy who enjoys four hour epic explorations of the poor in 1830s-era Philadelphia contrasted with the poor of the same time period in Senegal as seen through the eyes of a lost Russian trader angry at life and the Patriarch of Moscow?

Eldridge Cleaver
Sonoma, CA

EC, just the other day I planned a national press conference in order to answer a similar question from Rodney Tripps, a communicant from Montsylvania. Then your letter arrived at my door-mounted mail-intake slot. One supposes there is no point now in holding that press conference. ‘tis a shame, really. All those reporters hungering for stories. Now they shall have to create some of their noted reportage on the local, duplicitous veterinary clinic billing customers for name-brand flea shampoo when in reality the shampoo they use is a generic from the grocery store next door. I believe the owners of both businesses are in cahoots. This is doubly ironic because your letter reminded me of the civet cat.

Dear Montezuma,
Is it possible for me to exchange cowrie shells for money in the United States? Alternately, is it impossible?

Doubles Farebanks
Hollywont, CA

Hallo Doubles! It is certainly possible to exchange cowrie shells for monetary units in the United States. Simply trundle down to your local cowrie shell purveyor, hand over the appropriate denominations and soon you too can experience the enjoyable effulgence of cowrie shell ownership.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a 1960s and 1970s cartoon character (briefly revived in the 1980s) which was used to advertise and promote certain products. For each advertisement I asked a question, but this question was never conclusively answered. Should I buy laser or mechanical calipers?

Anonymous
9358 Postern Rd.
Lemuria North, PA 20963

I would guess that 50 caliber is much too powerful for your use, Tootsie. In fact, a flare gun should suit your purposes quite nicely. However, if the neighborhood children still insist on stealing plums from your backyard, you might consider fencing. It is slightly more expensive than firearms, but it is also much easier to decorate.

Hey Montezuma,
Why do orthodontists have such bad breath?

Mary Pembroke
Evans, GA

I suppose the scope of their knowledge is impeded by being such intricate specialists of the orthodontic arts. Sometimes one gets the so-called tunnel vision when studying a specialty so closely. If you would like to work to fix the situation, you might consider tackling the problem by exposing your orthodontist to some great thinkers like Anaximenes, Anaximander, or Anaxagoras. They were mostly wrong about everything (though Anaximenes came pretty close on a couple of points), but this is something which will expand the breadth of your orthodontist’s interest through discussion.

Dear Montezuma,
I come from an alternate timeline where the mighty Roman Empire never fell. As I have been stranded in your timeline (where the Roman Empire fell almost 1600 years ago (we wouldn’t count those Byzantine shenanigans)), I have a very important question with which you can help me. What is a whisk?

Publius Morcarum, called Chuck
New York, NY

I wouldn’t count those foppish Byzantines either, Chuck. They attempted to hide this in those frescoes of theirs, but you can tell that they looked more Greek than Roman. Just look at those eyebrows! And, yes, they wore robes, too, but the colors are absolutely Hellenic.

Dear Montezuma,
My cat won’t make hamburgers. Is there a way to fix this?

Cat Won’t Make Hamburgers
West Philadelphia, PA

CWMH, clearly you’re trying for some type of Cornishsounding nom-de-plume, but even the Welsh use an occasional vowel.

Dear Montezuma,
If I drove from Bismarck, ND to Detroit, MI on my motorcycle, how much gasoline would I use?

Michael Oliver-Thomas Omar Ralph Matthew Andrew McMontenegro
Bath, SC

MOTORMAN, taking into account the average straight-line distance between Bismarck and Detroit, factoring in a southerly Arctic wind, and of course the likelihood of losing at least one wheel on the way, I would say three. Of course, if the interstate were to suddenly become sentient and motile, this would likely be almost, but not quite, four.

Dear Montezuma,
Why are there only two major types of chowder (clam)? Couldn’t there be three types of chowder (clam)?

Bindy Lumpkin
Lafayette, LA

I prefer a good boulliabase, Bindy.

Dear Montezuma,
I don’t have any CDs by the band Tilt. I enjoy their music very much, even so. Is it possible for me to acquire the music I enjoy for my own personal use?

D. Leonard Pinkerto
Splatonville, EL

Tilt is certainly one of the most exciting hardcore music ensembles to come to prominence from the East Bay bastion of Berkeley. They also have a female lead singer, so there is of course not much more one could ask for in a musical grouping. Something fun you might try is to compare them to an ensemble of a completely different genre, for instance the music of artist, producer, and actor Ice-T.

Dear Montezuma,
I saw an old woman at the shops who had red hair. Then, I saw another woman on the roundabout near my house the other day and she had blue hair. A lot of other old ladies have white hair. It seems that they are supporting France. Why are old women so unpatriotic?

Elmo Fudge
Shropshire, UK

Mr. Fudge, it’s not that the old ladies are unpatriotic. It’s that the French have replaced all non-Frank elderly women with Frankish duplicates. In fact, they are quite patriotic, but towards France.

Dear Montezuma,
I met this guy today and he’s totally hot. The only problem is that I met him in an encyclopedia and he’s been dead since 1883. Maybe that’s two problems…anyway. Could you suggest a good brand of mixed, roasted nuts?

Sarah Brown
Augusta, GA

Sarah, I would suggest Peanuts™ from AgroFarm™. Peanuts™ are not, of course, nuts, but legumes, as you’ve no doubt been told by anyone with a second grade education whenever you say that Peanuts™ are your favorite nut. It’s always frustrating when people do that. Yes, I had a similar education and heard the same factism expressed by my teachers. I am also aware, because of my public school education, that it is one of only two contributions to the world made by African-Americans, the other being the chamber ensemble featuring both an oboe and an English horn.

Besides being Aztec Emperor, Montezuma also appeared as the star of the classic radio program Lucky Strike’s Amazing Adventure Quarter Hour Program. In his spare time he inspects Nok sculptures and rides the world’s only two-wheeled unicycle.

Dear Montezuma,
Since Axes & Alleys has now opened one of those nifty Café Press stores to sell t-shirts, mugs, thongs and F-22 Raptors, perhaps this should go on a tshirt:

“Ask Montezuma what this shirt means.”

Tim Wright
Elizabethville, PA

Tim, I believe that to be an excellent idea, but it’s missing something. Perhaps the wonderful picture of me should be included between “Ask Montezuma” and “what this shirt means.” One of those handy ellipsis punctuation marks would serve well after the “Ask Montezuma” portion. I will recommend this to my editors at the next meeting.

Montezuma,
During my tour in Southeast Asia last year, I met a Hmong sniper in Laos. His rep said he was a crack shot with a lot of kills under his belt, but he said something curious to me when I met him. He said “I shoot. They run.” Now, if he’s so good, why wouldn’t his targets just be dead?

Moses Abercrombie
Katharinetowne, WD

Hmong snipers are a special breed, Moses. You see, their religious leaders place certain blessings upon ammunition below 50 calibre. When the target is acquired and shot, the blessings cause them to run to the nearest body of water and drown themselves, even when they are dead. It makes no sense to me either why they don’t use magical fairy ping pong paddles to destroy their enemies like the rest of the Good Guy special forces do.

Dear Montezuma,
A friend of mine just asked me to prove to him that I’m not a robot. I’m a bit puzzled as to how to do this. Do you know how?

Eva Green
London, UK

One of the easiest ways to prove one is not a robot is by doing simple arithmetic. Try adding seven and four and see what your friend does.

Hi Montezuma,
I just bought a new computer, but I am having some trouble listening to my music. My grandson purchased the thing for me and it is cute as a button. Specifically, I wanted a disc drive so that I could play my LPs, but they don’t seem to fit.

Mildred Burch
Aiken, SC

Mrs. Burch, did you specify to your grandson that you wanted to play 33s or 45s? You most likely have a disc drive compatible with 45s and not 33s. Your grandson should have purchased a computer for you with a drive of the right size. As he has no doubt seen your record collection, I assume he was simply being lazy. Withholding the next batch of cookies should punish him enough in the meantime. If you take a picture of your computer with your digital Polaroid camera, one of my office assistants should be able to help you decide what type of external disc drives are compatible.

Dear Montezuma,
How many times can I ride the Mindbender at Six Flags Over Georgia before my circadian rhythms are disrupted and I find it difficult to sleep more than four hours at a time?

Lucy Scoggins
Marietta, GA

Seven, Lucy. Seven.

Dear Montezuma,
I’m a train pilot in the mid-West and I had a question about ground-traffic control. Well, you see, they’re supposed to be there to make sure two trains don’t enter the same groundspace and set up beacons at the train stations to make sure we don’t lose our way. But, these guys are really snotty about everything. What’s the best way to get rid of my protruding nose hairs?

Wayne Garmish
Mid-West, USA

WG, I believe you’ll find it as interesting as I do to note that you were the pilot on my train thirteen years ago when I took a scenic tour of Accadia. You are an excellent pilot. There was very little turbulence and you arrived at the station with nary a bump. I also appreciated your humorous tour leader persona as you pointed out various trees and bushes by name as we sped by. As if we were travelling slow enough to see them! Keep up the good work.

Montezuma,
Can I use no-stick spray on stickers?

Jeremy London
Cantilever, VT

Jeremy, this is an interesting question I get from time to time, but never quite have the time to answer. It’s a difficult explanation due to the mechanics involved. You see, no-stick spray generally works by phasing the gluon (a subatomic particle) into and out of existence through a forced conversion from matter to energy and back again. Stickers, on the other hand, rely upon hydrogen bonds in order to adhere to surfaces. As you can see, one will clearly not affect the other and thus you cannot negate the tacky nature of your stickers with no-stick spray. Some form of plasma might work, though.

Dear Montezuma,
I don’t get the point of iambic pentameter. People like Shakespeare, Keats and Donne seemed to use it a lot, and I’ve heard their work spoken aloud. This pentameter thing just sounds silly. Is there some other type of meter and syllabic structure used in poetry?

Marty Gill
Plainview, OT

Unfortunately Marty, poetry can only be written in iambic pentameter.