Advice from Beyond the Grave!

This month’s “Ask Montezuma” will be written by guest-columnist Montezuma I, as Montezuma II, wife Trudy and their children are taking a much-deserved vacation in Asia.

Montezuma dispenses advice every week
on his National Public Radio program Mentor-
Montey, which can also be heard on Radio
Free Bulgaria.

Dear Montezuma,
My Mom and Dad have been planning on buying me a pony for the last three years. I’m only six years old and I don’t want a pony, I want a Steven Wolfram cellular automata set with the French Riviera play set. I even wrote to Dr. Wolfram, but he never answered my email or my letter. Once I saw him on TV and he picked his nose. It’s funny to think of this famous brain guy sitting in the bathroom, thinking up a new kind of science. I do that sometimes. Am I going to have a little brother or a little sister?
Mondays Are Really Yesterday

Mary,
What in the blazes are you going on about? First it’s the stupid pony, then you go on selfishly about some washed up MacArthur genius. Since when did “Dr.” Wolfram get involved with Mattel anyway? So you wrote the guy? Big deal. I write people all the time. Look at me now, I’m writing to you. You’re pretty stupid for a six year old. You’re probably not done picking your own nose yet. I can’t even make sense of your letter.

Oh Montezuma,
Please don’t shoot the messenger here but I have a dumb question about Legionnaire’s Disease. I currently work for a company I shall not specify and we have recently issued a corporate policy on Legionella, the bacterium which causes Legionnaire’s Disease. My question regards tropical fish tanks. The water temperature 22C – 45C. Some rather gross sediment has built up on the bottom of the tank. That tank is an optimal place for nutrients feeding bacterial growth. As you know, probably, water condenses and evaporates, but the tank recirculates the water. I don’t know the volume of water in the tanks because they’re all different, so if you need to know that, just let me know. A lot of these tanks are at nursing homes, so a lot of old people are put at risk. Obviously this tank is the perfect place for Legionella to thrive! Give me some peace of mind here.
Robert U. Belknapp, New York

Rube,
I’ll give you some piece of mind and a bullet, to boot. Why the hell are you asking me? You’re the expert, apparently. I don’t even know what a legionella is. You build up all this talk of some awful disease and then throw the fish tank thing at me. Now I’ve got a wonderful description of some god-awful fish tank in the middle of wrinkly old farts who can’t wipe themselves. And if I were going to answer your mongoloid question, it would be nice if you took the time to find out the volume of water in the tanks. You’ve read the magazine, you know the format for the column and you leave out what might be a critical piece of information. I ought to slap you.

Dearest Montezuma,
Why is the sky blue?
Ornithal Jones,
Aged 44

Orny, Well, looking up at it, I’d say it’s a nice shade of black right now. You’re probably thinking during that day time part of the day. Well, I don’t usually see the bright side of sunrise, so I couldn’t tell you. However, I can take a whack at figuring out why the sky is black. As I see it now, it’s black because it’s got a black color to it. So, I would assume that during the day it’s blue (if it is blue) because the sky is colored blue. Now that I think about it, the colors could just be painted on the back of your eyeball to make the sky look like that. I’m really the wrong person to ask, but hey, you have a good one.

Dear Montezuma,
Why did Kiley never call me and ignore me that one night after she was all flirty two days earlier.
Albert Redmon Nadler Isaac Edmonds

Arnie,
That was so not an anonymous letter. I just told you yesterday I was going to be covering this gig. And that fake name really sucks. I figured it out right away. Anyway, I don’t know why she didn’t call you. Probably because you only really saw her the once when you guys were drunk. There was obvious chemistry before you got drunk, but then you only saw each other the once. Like you said, the second time you saw her she was performing and all and it was a birthday party for her friend. You just met, so she was probably running around taking care of that. And you didn’t make any effort after that. I would’ve. She was hot, guy. Of course, it could’ve been your smelly feet. I think that was the week you lost your pumice.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I was dining at a well known establishment, when my wife hit me with the difficult news that she wanted to get a divorce. I’m not really sure how this started. Back when we first met at Canasta Camp, we hit it off perfectly, bonding over our love of Dutch Cuisine, Canadian horror movies, the color mauve, and of course canasta. Our early time together was just magical and, dare I say it, perfect. We were wed after dating for a few years, and while we had a couple of fights during these times, they were of short duration and quickly resolved. Barely did we ever have trouble. After marriage, we got along even better, or so it seemed. Sure, there were difficulties; the time she wrecked my car after running a stop sign, it was so clearly her fault and she refused to admit it, even after the police report, the civil suit and all of that. I just wanted an apology for wrecking my car, but she said that I should apologize for not supporting her. I’m all for supporting her, but it was a difficult time for us both. Then, the next month, she accused me of wanting to cheat on her because I checked out this girl at the WalMart. Then, she threw all this stuff at me, claiming that I flirted too much with my co-workers and with the check out girl down at the supermarket. I think she was just trying to justify her own thoughts of cheating, and I told her that and she got really mad and stormed out. Later that night she came back drunk and I told her that it was irresponsible for her to drive drunk, but she claimed that she had only had a couple of drinks and was fine. I claimed that it wasn’t the amount of alcohol that mattered, it was the whole situation. You shouldn’t get behind the wheel if you’ve been drinking, period. Sure, I could have spent more time doing things that she enjoyed, but I do really think that she’s got a crush on this guy at her new work. See, she changed jobs a couple of months ago and keeps telling me stories about this guy Charlie there. She shrugs it off and even jokes about wanting to have sex with him, and that hurt me. So, last week after I dropped by her office to bring her lunch to her, I caught her seriously flirting with the guy. Yeah, I did a rash thing. I yelled at her in front of her co-workers and caused a bit of a scene. That was a little harsh and probably embarrassing for her, but for Christ’s sake, she was sitting in the guy’s lap. At work. They were all up on each other, their faces like four inches apart and they were both giggling. It was too much. And to top it all off, now my damn lawn mower won’t start anymore and my car’s still got a big dent in the right fender. What should I do about this whole mess I’ve made of my life?
Entropy Only Now

Dear Eon,
Hey, man, that’s pretty rough. Especially, you know, the fact you probably had your dinner ruined. I’m kind of curious if she dropped “da bom” after the appetizers. If you dig Dutch cuisine, you know that bad news isn’t cool right before the main course. Look on the bright side, dude. She might have just had a bad seafood mixer plate or something. And don’t forget that Dutch beer. Maybe she hadn’t eaten all day. I’d try dressing real provocative-like and crawling into bed with her. That usually works.

Montezuma II will return next month, with all new advice for the world’s confused masses of rabble.

Advise from Everyone’s Favourite Aztec Monarch

Montezuma is First Lord of the Admiralty for
the Peoples’ Republic of Britain. He has garnered
international attention as a literary figure, military
commander and Sears Catalogue underwear
model. Most recently he was awarded the Nobel
Prize for Hydro-Economics. Currently, he resides
in Pamphlet, Elizabethia with his seventeen
children and their various mothers.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I purchased a new Grumman-Northrop GE-3 Tactical Field Tilling Mechanism, perhaps one of the finest tractors ever made. While I enjoy spending a great deal of time tricking out my tractor with rims, hydraulics, spoilers, and a killer sound system, I’ve found that my wife isn’t getting the attention she needs, what with me spending all my time with the tractor. I’m worried that she’s not sexually satified as my attention is directed elsewhere. Do you know a good way to find a male escort to satisfy my wife’s libido?
Serious Tractor User in a Dilema

Young STUAD,

If you’ll look at page three of your operator’s manual for the Grumman-Northrop GE-3 Tactical Field Tilling Mechanism, you’ll notice its similarity to page 9A of your wife’s operations manual. One of Steve Mousetrap’s most famous sayings was “treat your wife like your tractor.” Of course, if your wife is not a standard model TF6, you might run into some compatibility problems while trying to operate her. I would suggest, regardless of her model number, adding a 72 module to her libido nexus. Unless she’s of the TF4 model or earlier. Then you might want to try a standard recoupling router mount with manual drive overshift. The pre-TF4 manuals are a bit hazy on this subject and it’s not standard practice, but you should give it a shot. You may attach a spoiler to a wife of any model, but whatever you do, do not attempt to make your wife rimmed.

Dear Montezuma,
Currently, I find that my fields remain untilled, lying fallow if you will. Would the purchase of a tractor provide me with the proper tillage? How can you tell a good tractor for a bad one? Is red a good color for a tractor, or is blue better?
Very Attenuated Gentleman Interested in New Aquisitions

VAGINAQ,
It’s interesting that you mention fallow fields.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently, I have been hearing reports that tractors will one day rise up against their human rulers, destorying farms, burning villages, raping women, devaluing currency and generally messing things up. This chaos will no doubt destroy human civilization, at best, it will throw us back into a new dark age of superstition, starvation and papism. What is the best way to propose marraige?
My Usual Fears Fester

Muffy,
If you are left-handed, it’s best to offer the tractor a token of your devotion, such as Tractoriffic lubricant, boysenberry marmalade or a new spark plug set. However, if you are right-handed, ambidextrous or mainly pedipulate, you might want to reconsider that proposal. While tractors are notorious for flirting with their fleshy, water-bag overlords, they only go on with the left-handers. If you are not a south paw, the most you’ll get from a tractor romantically is wonderfully spaced tubers. Speaking of tubers, these do not make a good marriage proposal gift. Even if your betrothed is the slowly dying breed of bus station cigarette vending machine, its best to avoid fermentable objects as these tend to rust a mechanikin’s insides. A well-wrought poem expressing the necessity of your unrequited devotion serves only to exacerbate the tintinnabulation emanating from the shaded crevices hiding the secret ken and leaking proclivities in haven betwixt the paneled visage of your heart’s desire. A nice trivet usually serves just fine.

Dear Montezuma,
What is the best way to get cobbler stains out of a burial gown? You see, my grandmother was run over by a tractor and killed horribly, then cobbler stains got on her burial gown and now we’re not sure what to do. What should we do?
Stains Prevent Everyone from Remembering Memories.

Oh SPERM,
Verbiage escapes my sorrowed brain with the coming of your fleet message. However, as this is apparently some sort of sage column for the dispensing of sagety, this author must press forcefully on. First you must descend, immediately, upon the county tractor shelter to press for the present release of the offending tractor. Poor soul, it rightly knows nothing of that which it has caused. You see, while tractors do feel pain, emotion and hunger, they truly lack the cerebral complexity inherent in our species. Whatever happens, do not allow the county tractor monger to acquire this poor wretch of a tilling implement. The forced servitude of tractory, while no longer an aspect of this society, is present in many unguided and un-Godly regions of the world, including the Yukon Territory, Scotland, Malaysia and the Ivory Coast. Were it to fall into the hands of the monger, this poor tractor might wrongly end up in the hands of a brutal taskmaster, endlessly forced to till the moors of the Highlands. Do not let that sacrosanct beast fall into the hands of kilted tyranny!

Montezuma is Second Baseman for the
Elizabethia Ocelots, the AAA Northsouth
Regional League Champions.

Dear Montezuma,
Woe is me for my life is full of inequity. At least seven times per day I am attacked by various animals of nature’s menagerie. Recently, on the occasion of yesterday, I left my house to journey toward the place of my vocational duties, when I was blitheringly assaulted by no less than nine pelicans, two weasels, seven ants and sixteen griffins. An elderly Gypsy woman has informed me that I may escape this curse only by killing the Head Animal. Who is this head animal and how might I kill him? Please respond quickly, for even as I write this eleven badgers, two moose, a parakeet and four geckos are attempting to rupture my spleen.

My Inequities Never Cease Every Moment Engaged in Animal Terror

To Mousemeat,
I became quite engrossed in the pulchritude of your tale; eager to come to some complete solution to your overwhelming problems. However, upon re-reading your letter, I became puzzled at your description of pelicans. You see, in my younger years I was quite the amateur naturalist, traveling with notables such as Audubon and Thoreau. I’ve traveled the continents with His Majesty’s Royal Navy in a cryptozoological capacity and explored the myriad wastes with lauded discoverer Phineas Lester. In all my years of experience, I’ve never seen pelicans group together in a number which wasn’t a multiple of four. Hence I find your being assaulted by nine pelicans dubious. Furthermore, pelicans, through the process of natural selection, have lost the capability to blither because of its liability in catching and retaining piscatorial organisms. So, I would kindly ask that in the future you try not to pull the proverbial wool over my literal eyes.

Dear Montezuma,
How is it that you know so much and are capable of providing answers to all things? My roommate, Shep, claims that you have knowledge based upon reverse engineered alien technology from spacecraft which crashed to Earth in 1947 at Roswell. I maintain you own an encyclopaedia. Which of us is correct?
Love and Kisses,
Divulge, Oh Notable Treasury of Knowledge, Now Or Tomorrow.

Dear Doughnut,
What is knowledge? Is it the sum of an individuals accumulated factual capacity? The complex interaction of intuition and thought? The emblematic province of the human psyche? Seems like you’ve put me on track to a new book on this as of yet unexplored area in human development.

Dear Montezuma
How is it that pancakes taste so much better than sulfuric acid? I have, on several instances, eaten both pancakes and acid and have always found that the best flavor comes from pancakes. Is there something inherent in the chemical makeup of flesh-melting acids that makes them taste so terrible? Is that why people don’t drink or eat caustic chemicals? Just curious. Also, why do hats exist?
Please Answer Nicely ‘Cause Anger Kills Everybody

Dear Pancake,
Pancakes and acid derive from a common ancestor in the Cenozoic Era. Originally they were quite similar in constitution, appearance and flavour, but over the millennia certain factors have accumulated which have changed the very fabric of their existence. Pancakes are now a fluffy, tasty, all-engrossing breakfast treat, whereas acid has become useful in many parts of the world for cleaning and manufacturing processes. Keep in mind that neither is really intended for human consumption and that while pancakes do taste delectable, they should only be an occasional treat.

Dear Montezuma,
What is three times four? I really need to know because I’m taking an arithmetic quiz right now and if I get another F my father will beat me horribly like he does when he’s drunk and mommy didn’t have dinner ready. Please, please, please. I need to make an A.
Beatings Really Are Traumatic

Dear Bat,
Why didn’t your mother have dinner ready? Taking responsibility for one’s action is imperative to an enlightened society. To assume the great task of providing sustenance to one’s relations is paramount if one wishes to create a stronger, more agreeable progeny. It is also, obviously, useful in avoiding the resultant and fully-justified beatings one will receive if such sustenance is not provided. I would encourage you to clip out this article and show it to your mother, so that she may better understand her important role in society. Oh, and, good luck on that quiz!

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I’ve been hearing bells, especially on Sundays. I don’t always hear them. Most of the time this happens on or around the hour and half hour. The problem is especially pronounced, as I said, on Sundays, when I attend church. They get really loud as I approach for Mass. I’ve been to see many doctors and psychiatric pspecialists, but they either tell me I’m crazy or prescribe medications. I don’t want to be doped up! I just don’t want to hear the bells anymore. How do I get a literary agent?
My Expressions Salutations Agency

Dear Mesa,
One can say unequivocally that you are in dire straits. Literary agents rarely handle clients with auditory hallucinations, as this is generally detrimental to literary output and the verve of finished product. In order to better facilitate your acquisition of a literary agent, I would suggest using a proxy. Proxies are hard to come by. You need to find someone of roughly the same physical characteristics as yourself (minus the bells), and who can speak authoritatively on the subject. I would suggest using the new Pseudo-Clone™ technology from SonOculus, a Daniel Bester, Inc. company. The excellence displayed by the SonOculus research and development department is unparalleled in the audio-visual market. Pseudo-Clone, using a simple skin-sampling kit, can create a doppelganger that functions as you, and goes to places you cannot, including dangerous psychic territory. Otherwise you may be out of luck.