Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part III

roanoke

Roanoke, VA– It’s a town famous for one thing really; a brightly lit star that sits on top of a hill. I didn’t come here for mountains or even stars, I came to this moderately sized community because I had heard about a miracle.

It started last year when a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary at the Our Lady of Nazareth Church began to taste exactly like purple Kool-Aid®. Local scientists took a piece of the statue and examined it with instruments, determining that it had not been dipped in purple Kool-Aid®. To the townspeople, it’s a miracle sent from God.

Belinda found me at the church and told me that she had hoped the statue would cure her painful corns. She is just one of the many faithful who continue to wait in long lines for a chance to lick the statue and taste the holy flavor of purple Kool-Aid®. Some have come from as far away as Blacksburg just to lick the purple Kool-Aid® statue. They are modern day pilgrims, each hoping that the taste of purple Kool-Aid® will heal their terrible afflictions.

I must say though, after licking the Virgin, I thought it tasted just like a statue. There didn’t seem to be any hint of purple Kool-Aid®. Back in the van, I licked the seat belt. For some reason, I swear it tasted like a red popsicle. A miracle? Maybe, I’m no theologian. But hey, if you think a statue tastes like purple Kool-Aid®, then lick that Virgin like there’s no tomorrow.

As for this pilgrim, she’s off to keep exploring. Maybe the next town will have a real miracle, like a chimpanzee with stigmata. Now that would be something.

Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part II

stalin3

West Nyack, NY– I got into this little hamlet yesterday by way of Yonkers and I plan on never going through Yonkers ever again. It did make my arrival in this upper middle-class hideaway that much more welcome. Though it was difficult to find accommodation because of the festivities surrounding their annual Battle of San Juan Hill reenactment, I did end up with a cozy corner in the 921 section of the West Nyack Free Library.

Today after grabbing my makeup from the 390 section I headed off to find Jim Barnseed, owner of the world’s smallest shoe collection. In Bayshore, Hammond Flap had mentioned this intriguing collection, and then there I was knocking at Barnseed’s door. The first thing I noticed when the crumpled old man let me in was his lack of shoes. I wondered if owning a normal-sized pair of shoes would spoil his collection, but was ushered into “The Red Room” as he called it for no obvious reason.

It wasn’t red and was more of a walk in closet, but it was lined by dark mahogany cases. All of them were empty and open, except for one. His hands shook from age, or Parkinson’s as he opened that case to reveal to me the steel tip from a work boot. As I left I reminded myself to send a strongly-worded letter to Mr. Flap.

Haven’t quite decided where I’m going next. Probably South, but it could be any of the other directions.

Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part I

stalin one

Bayshore, MV-It’s a funny name for a town because there is neither a bay nor a shore within a hundred miles of Bayshore. But this little town still has a character all it’s own. The people and their goats all live on a bluff overlooking a chalk quarry which, for some unknown reason, was filled with sand in 1978. City Council Person, Michael R. Cook, told me that the residents call it as the “sand pit.”

“For the kids,” he said “the sand pit’s been there their entire lives, it’s what they know about Bayshore. It’s a source of pride. We even renamed the high school mascot the Sand Pitter. What puts Bayshore on the map is our big door bell museum.” Of course, I just had to go.

The International Doorbell Museum features over thirty thousand door bells. The prize of the collection in the seventy foot tall, doorbell commissioned by Louis XIV for Versailles. It features life-size clockwork grenadiers who smack a giant bell with brass antelopes while little frog fountains gush water. Curator Hammond Flap let me ring it and yeah, it’s a heck of a doorbell. Since I didn’t wear the ear plugs they gave me, I may have permanent hearing loss.

The museum also features doorbells from pop culture; including the doorbells from the sets of Family Ties, Maude and Seaquest. My favorite parts were the Doorbell Chamber of Horrors, which has Jeffrey Dahmer’s doorbell and the Doorbell Fun Zone, where kids, and even grown up kids like me, can have doorbell fun. There are buttons and lights and even a doorknob you can turn, but it doesn’t really open a door.

Bayshore’s definitely a fun place to visit. I even tried to build a sand castle in the sandpit. And guess what, it was in the shape of a doorbell. Now, off to more adventures across this great country. Wonder where we’ll be next time. Better check back in and find out.

An Axes & Alleys Travelogue

Katie Stalin

For the next few weeks Axes & Alleys will do something a bit different. Well, actually, we’ll be doing something many magazines have done before. For the month of Caliguli A&A is going on a road trip!

Well, almost all of us are not going anywhere. No, we’ll be here at the offices. Some of us may even partake of furtive, barely-satisfying liaisons in the break room. No, A&A is sending that cute little button Katie Stalin out across America to see what she can see. Several times each week she’ll bring you her observations from the road. We’ve not given any assignments, but we do have one request of her: find at least one person who walks about all day carrying two lobsters. We enjoy crustaceans. They’re cool.

Ms. Stalin has been many things (most recently single), including investigative reporter, master of disguise, travel industry analyst and enthusiast, cloudberry expert, herbicological hobbyist, and ghost writer for Umberto Eco’s How to Travel with a Salmon & Other Essays. Katie has been invaluable to us. For six months she lived as young Asian woman for an upcoming story on the plight of peat moss.

With the exception of Delores P. Grunion, we all wish Katie a safe, enjoyable working holiday across this great confederatorialist nation. Here’s hoping she finds more excitement and erotically satisfying interludes than us back at the ranch. If there’s one person through whom to live vicariously, it’s that apple-cheeked bumpkin, Katie Stalin.

An Editorialograph

By staff cloudberry expert Katie Stalin

katie stalin

Katie Stalin, the great-granddaughter of Soviet Premier Josef Stalin, has spent her life preserving her family’s legacy of terror, ruthlessness, violent purges and Five Year Plans.

Carrier

Originally, this was going to be a message about the importance of cloudberries to Norwegian culture and cuisine, only I saw something which infuriated me as a human being and as one of the pedestrians of the world. Above you will find the photograph which has launched me into this tirade. What an ignorant child. What a useless youngster. How could this worthless waste of space insult the brave sailors and seamen of America’s Navy by producing such a crude and inaccurate building-block model of an aircraft carrier.

There are so many inaccuracies to contend with, I’m not even sure where to begin. Well, for starters, how about the fact that the model features the characteristic angular flight deck of a nuclear powered carrier, first introduced in 1953 in the design of the USS Antietam (CVA 36), yet the aircraft on the flight deck of this model are prop-driven planes featuring folded-wing designs characteristic of WWII Navy fighters such as the F6F Hellcat or the F8F Bearcat. Even more horridly out of place are the bi-planes, which to my knowledge have never been deployed from even an Essex-class carrier, much less a Nimitz or Kennedy class.

And I must ask “How exactly did those aircraft get from the main hangar deck to the flight deck?” By magic I guess, since this model doesn’t feature a single elevator while everyone knows that a Nimitz class carrier has four aircraft elevators. Who knows, maybe there is an elevator somewhere on this model, but if there is then it’s not very clear, just another indication of poor craftsmanship. I pray to God that no airplane ever does try to land on this deck, which features a startling lack of crash barricades, arresting wires, or a Fresnel Lens Optical Landing System.

Take a look at the island. Where are the designation numbers which would allow us to know which carrier this is? The island seems to feature only one windowed deck, which I must assume, based on the noticeable absence of the vulture’s row, that this is not the Pri-fly. So, is this one deck the bridge? The flag bridge? So bad is this model that I have no idea.

And look at the two flags atop the island where the radar and communications array should be. One appears to be either a German or gay flag, which is odd because last I checked neither the Federal Republic of Germany nor GLAAD have ever deployed an aircraft carrier. The other flag is definitely a Lego™ symbol. To assert that the LEGO Group is a military force is just stupid.

What an idiotic child. I hope his parents have the decency to take him to a library or something before he even attempts to look at plastic building block toys again.