By staff cloudberry expert Katie Stalin

Katie Stalin, the great-granddaughter of Soviet Premier Josef Stalin, has spent her life preserving her family’s legacy of terror, ruthlessness, violent purges and Five Year Plans.

Originally, this was going to be a message about the importance of cloudberries to Norwegian culture and cuisine, only I saw something which infuriated me as a human being and as one of the pedestrians of the world. Above you will find the photograph which has launched me into this tirade. What an ignorant child. What a useless youngster. How could this worthless waste of space insult the brave sailors and seamen of America’s Navy by producing such a crude and inaccurate building-block model of an aircraft carrier.

There are so many inaccuracies to contend with, I’m not even sure where to begin. Well, for starters, how about the fact that the model features the characteristic angular flight deck of a nuclear powered carrier, first introduced in 1953 in the design of the USS Antietam (CVA 36), yet the aircraft on the flight deck of this model are prop-driven planes featuring folded-wing designs characteristic of WWII Navy fighters such as the F6F Hellcat or the F8F Bearcat. Even more horridly out of place are the bi-planes, which to my knowledge have never been deployed from even an Essex-class carrier, much less a Nimitz or Kennedy class.

And I must ask “How exactly did those aircraft get from the main hangar deck to the flight deck?” By magic I guess, since this model doesn’t feature a single elevator while everyone knows that a Nimitz class carrier has four aircraft elevators. Who knows, maybe there is an elevator somewhere on this model, but if there is then it’s not very clear, just another indication of poor craftsmanship. I pray to God that no airplane ever does try to land on this deck, which features a startling lack of crash barricades, arresting wires, or a Fresnel Lens Optical Landing System.

Take a look at the island. Where are the designation numbers which would allow us to know which carrier this is? The island seems to feature only one windowed deck, which I must assume, based on the noticeable absence of the vulture’s row, that this is not the Pri-fly. So, is this one deck the bridge? The flag bridge? So bad is this model that I have no idea.

And look at the two flags atop the island where the radar and communications array should be. One appears to be either a German or gay flag, which is odd because last I checked neither the Federal Republic of Germany nor GLAAD have ever deployed an aircraft carrier. The other flag is definitely a Lego™ symbol. To assert that the LEGO Group is a military force is just stupid.

What an idiotic child. I hope his parents have the decency to take him to a library or something before he even attempts to look at plastic building block toys again.