H.G. Peterson Explores Everyone’s Favorite Taxonomic Kingdom.

H.G. Peterson is a renowned big-game hunter, explorer and arm-chair strategist. He is currently serving in the position of Arch-Bishop of Budapest.

“A Guide to Animals”

Animals are heterotrophic and composed of many cells
That are Eukaryotic with membranes and organelles

If you wish to describe animals, I offer one more suggestion
One must of course mention, they nourish by ingestion

Symmetry of body in all animals can be found
Bilateria has mirrored halves, while Radiata is just round

But Bilateral animals each have a head
A thing called cephalization, or so I have read

Phylum Cnideria, of which jelly fish form a part
Live much time as Medusas but are Polyps at the start

Phylum Ctenophora use cilia to move about
To gather up food on their sub-aquatic route

Phylum Platyhelminthes are worms which are flat
Like tapeworms that live in the gut of a rat

Phylum Rotifera provide many benefits
And reproduce by a thing called parthenogenesis

Phylum Nematoda are a rounded worm bunch
They’ll cause trichinosis and make you lose your lunch

Phylum Mollusca includes snails, oysters and squid
And other such things that a Kosher diet will forbid

Phylum Annelida are worms of the segmented type
And each of their segments resembles a stripe

Phylum Arthropoda’s a big group of armored things
Like lobsters, mites, ants and bees which have wings

Phylum Chordata’s animals all have a nerve cord
They are the most well known of all the animal hoard

Reptiles and Amphibians are two of this category
As are Mammals, Fish and Birds, and so ends our little story

If you need to know more, ask a scientist and he’ll mail ya’
Lots more information on Kingdom Animalia

AN ESSAY ON FOREIGN LANDS

by H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson is a leading expert on
International Maritime Law
and on Bridge Playing Tactics.

The ocean is water, the beach is of sand
I want to go to Panda Land

Pandas can see and Pandas can do
In Panda land you can find Panda poo

If Pandas were bishops, then they would wear mitres
If they were pilots then they’d fly stealth fighters

Pandas are black, and Pandas are white
But a shaved naked Panda’s a horrible sight

Pandas are dextrous and work their turn tables
But they can’t ride horses and thus have no stables

Pandas get colds and pandas get goitres
But their legs are to short to allow them to loiter

Pandas love fun and pandas love sport
And they pass down judgments in the Panda Land Court

Pandas look good in black and white photographs
But really fat pandas throw off seismographs

Pandas make waffles and bamboo fricassee
They gorge themselves stupid all night and day

An M-1 tank would crush Pandas to paste
So when one is coming they don helmets with haste

When Pandas are injured they go in for surgery
When they lie on the stand they are guilty of perjury

I met a Panda once, while visiting Toronto
He said he was James, but his friends called him Tonto

Pandas eat mussels, clams and kielbasa
And their cocaine binges leave a tabula rasa

Pandas in ones and Pandas in twos
Panda Land has problems with drinking and booze

Pandas and big boats and these boats have decks
Where upon Pandas have S& M sex

Pandas get drunk and then they smoke reefer
And they’re favourite actor is Sutherland, Kiefer

The panda house has a basement and attic
But their universe theories are still somewhat static

Pandas have rifles and Pandas have bombs
The Panda Land Army enjoys Proverbs and Psalms

Some Pandas are Christian Scientists and not Presbyterians
These Pandas forbid going to see veterinarians

Panda Land has buildings and even a quay
But few Panda males are openly gay

Panda Land has a language similar to Chinese
Pandas take to hang gliding with the greatest of ease

There are Pandas called Lisa and some who are Michaels
But the ones named Muldoony ride blue unicycles

Pandas are smart and Pandas are bright
But the fires of hatred burn into the night

Pandas like blue and Pandas like orange
But Pandas have not mastered the secret of door hinge

Pandas built statues of bamboo and bronze
They display them proudly in front, on their lawns

Panda land is round and surrounded by snakes
But inside its borders are myriad lakes

When Pandas are insulted, they’re quick to retort
Especially when insults occur near resorts

Panda land stores have quite a selection
Especially tools for skilled vivisection

You’ll never see a Panda on the flying trapeze
But there are lots of Panda Pirates sailing the seas

Pandas are hip to all that new jive
But Vir is their favourite on Babylon 5

Pandas have not yet discovered Quaoar
But Panda Land science has still gone quite far

Pandas have missiles, machetes and limes
But only because it is near the End Times

Pandas like cunnilingus and they like fellatio
Panda Land temples reflect the golden ratio

Pandas keep mice and worms in their homes
And each live in small little plastercast domes

Pandas study the work of Buckminster Fuller
Tug-o-war is won by the best Panda puller

Panda Land is rich with artwork and fountains
But none of their sages sit atop the tall mountains

Of all of the spices, Pandas most love their garlic
With their tongues and a Chevy they play a game they call “Car-lick”

Pandas like relaxation and do enjoy loafin’
And treating their headaches with fresh ibuprofen

Panda Land castles have grotesque gargoyles
And Panda Land lepers are covered in boils

Panda land robots are known to be shiny
The ones they call nanites are essentially tiny

Poetry by the Great H.G. Peterson

A GUIDE TO MONKEYS

by H.G. Peterson

H. G. Peterson is a leading member of the Masters of the Illuminati,
the secret organization which governs the affairs of international
diplomacy, war, and world-wide commercial markets. He is also an
avid croquet player and enjoys listening to gramophone recordings.

H.G. Peterson’s Guide to Monkeys

(For Her Majesty Queen Victoria)

Monkeys are funny and covered with fuzz
Wear a red shiny fezz, each monkey does
If you mess with a monkey, they look sternly and say
“Monkey no like you, now you go away”

With fury and rage and anger misplaced
The monkeys dance ’round, then hop on your face
Then one monkey jumps up, his teeth give a shine
And he takes a big bite out of your spleen and your spine

Then they all hop aboard, they pound on their chests
Hammers they pull, from their red monkey vests
They rip the flesh from your bones with a murderous haste
Hammers pounding your body into thick muddy paste

Monkey looks down at you, and the monkey he say
“Fuck you, you giant prick!”