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News of the World: Caliguly 2006, Part II
Tokyo, Japan– It seems somehow fitting that a war involving millions of soldiers battling across five continents should end with a simple gunfight outside a Tokyo nightclub and noodle house. With less than hundred shots fired between thirty police and eight of F’a Dommen’s elite Vermillion Guard, the Bad Guy supreme commander was captured, finally ending the war.
F’a Dommen had been on the run for nine days after fleeing in the aftermath of the Battle of Rangoon. The devious Bad Guy Commander was able to hijack a BL-104 “Floating Mushroom” Tactical Hot Air balloon, which he rode to safety. Landing in Taipei with eight of his Vermillion Guards, F’a Dommen snuck into Japan via a submersible watercraft and holed up in the Happy Garden Hotel and Noodle House. There, he set about planning his next move, but little did he realize that his time was nearly up.
Last Saturday night, F’a Dommen was betrayed when one of his elite body guards attempted to purchase a pair of Japanese school girl’s used underpants. Apparently he offered the clerk fifty crime cash, unaware that the underpants vendor only accepted crime yen (the official illegal Sinonipponesian currency). Official police reports state that there was a confrontation and the Vermillion Guard officer killed the underpants salesman and escaped with 60,000 crime yen and several soiled pairs of white cotton, size “S,” string bikini styled underpants.
Police gave chase immediately and eventually cornered the soldier as he attempted to meet up with his compatriots in the Mighty Glowing Robot Disco and Noodle House night club. The ensuing gun battle left three police and six Bad Guys dead and at 1:34 AM local time, Honorable Police Force Captain Ozawa Ichi announced that F’a Dommen had been captured, ending a world-wide manhunt.
Currently, the Bad Guys are being held in the Tokyo Prefecture Maximum Security Prison and Noodle House, awaiting extradition to The Hague for trial. F’a Dommen did issue a statement, written with green crayon as he is not allowed anything sharp. In it he vowed to escape and promised:
“You have not seen the last of the Bad Guys. You think you won the war, but you have not and we will never be defeated. There’s still our secret under-ground base in Antartica and you’ll never find, much less capture, the Bad Guy Drome and you don’t even know the location of the hidden Bad Guy Island. Know that I am Bad Guy Commander Arja F’a Dommen and I will have my revenge.”
Using satellite recon, the Good Guy Army was able to locate the Antartic base and neutralize it. Only hours later the “Bad Guy Island,” otherwise known as Manhattan, was found and the Bad Guy Drome in Tribeca was located and captured. The death ray that F’a Dommen had threatened to destroy Singapore with turned out to be a simple flashlight hooked up to a car battery. Fire department sources indicated that, even with the extra power, the flashlight posed no danger.
Artillery
News of the World: Caliguly 2006
TOTAL VICTORY!!!*
*Some Mopping Up Required
Trieste, Italy – The Bad Guys have been utterly and completely crushed, except for a platoon of holdout marines in this fine city. Also a naval grouping off the coast of Iceland. And of course the Bad Guy counterstroke in Sao Paolo, Brazil. Not to mention the Third Hue of Victory Fighter Wing located in a secret base high in the Andes. There’s also the small matter of the Trans-Kazakh Armoured Division.
Nevertheless, the Good Guys have grasped a stellar victory to go down in the annals of record keeping. With F’a Dommen neutralized (opposite page), there’s no question of our global domination. President Armstrong and the other leaders of the Good Guys have dispatched emissaries to what is left of the Bad Guy High Command and government.
Armstrong sent the French-Canadian Cirque du Soleil on a mission to meet with the Bad Guys in Trieste. It has been three days since the various acrobats, mimes, and other carnival folk made their way through the winding streets. While they have not been heard from since then, no one is particularly worried. Members of the Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus are on hand to pick up where they left off.
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Letters: Caliguly 2006
Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Mimas keeps looking at me. This weird little moon has this giant eye on it and every time I see Mimas I swear the darned thing is looking right at me. It even follows me if I move around. My friend Joey said that I shouldn’t worry. He says that Mimas is not a big eye at all, but rather the universe’s largest breast. To him, it’s not an eye, but rather a well-formed areola and perkily raised nipple. That doesn’t help too much though, because I’m also afraid of women.
Travis Smiley,
Roosevelt Island, NY
To the Editors,
Recently, I was locked in a library over a holiday weekday and forced to eat the complete works of Anais Nin in order to survive. As unfortunate as this was, it did give me plenty of time to catch up on my reading. Back in the bound periodical section I was able to find the complete Axes & Alleys issues dating back to your first issue in 1903. In the second issue, I found a slightly problematic mistake; your model of the Solar System from the article “Guide to Gentlemen Who Wish to Construct an Orrery in the Times of Leisure Available to Them” features the erroneous planets Vulcan, Planet X and Earth’s once-hypothesized second moon Lilith. Detailed though the instructions may be, they completely ignore the important Martio-Jovian Asteroid Belt, the Unanio-Neptian Asteroid Buckle, the Oort Cloud, the Kuiper Belt, the dwarf planets of Pluto, Sedna, Quaoar and Xena, and the various comets. Also, throughout the article, the name of the inner most planet Mercury was consistently misspelled as “Mercurie.” Also, the storm system known as the Great Red Spot on Jupiter was named several times as “The Evil Eye of the Devil Planet.” If Axes & Alleys is to maintain its quality, you should immediately fire the author of the piece, one Mr. Percival Lowell.
Thank you.
Michelle Trappenburgh
Roosevelt Island, NY
Dear Axes & Alleys,
In your last issue (Volume 456-BR7, No. 20), you featured an adhesive sticker which stated that babies are stupid. This is preposterous. Recently, my lab has done a great deal of research comparing the intelligence quotients of octopi, average house cats and babies. In the first test, the underwater maze, the octopus won hands down, while in the rat catching the cat was the clear victor. In the third test, the drooling and babbling portion, the baby excelled and put the octopus and the cat to shame. How can you say babies are stupid? In our test, we determined that octopi, average housecats and babies have the same intelligence level (3.33 out of a possible ten). Please stop putting erroneous information on stickers.
Cornelius Abernathy IV
Roosevelt Island, NY
To Axes & Alleys Magazine,
My name is Erin Sneed and I work for the International Cuisine Institute here in Langley, Virginia. We have recently conducted magnesium-germanium dating tests which have proven that sauces were first created in 748 B.C. (+/- 8 years). We thought this information would be valuable for your records.
Jonathan Voldargo
Roosevelt Island, NY
Dear Sirs,
While The Start is a perfectly good musical combo, their song “One Thousand Years” off their album Initiation, contains the lyric “…you’re retrograde like planets slipping backwards.” It should be noted that the planets in question are not actually slipping backwards. This is merely an apparent motion caused by the intricate dance of the planets as they make their way around the Sun (a star).
Lucy Martinmas
Roosevelt Island, NY
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Why don’t you ever put birds like swans on your cover? It’s a shame, if you ask me.
Mitchell T. Borax
Roosevelt Island, NY