Category Archives: Jeremy Rosen

An Axes & Alleys Travelogue

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Katie Stalin

For the next few weeks Axes & Alleys will do something a bit different. Well, actually, we’ll be doing something many magazines have done before. For the month of Caliguli A&A is going on a road trip!

Well, almost all of us are not going anywhere. No, we’ll be here at the offices. Some of us may even partake of furtive, barely-satisfying liaisons in the break room. No, A&A is sending that cute little button Katie Stalin out across America to see what she can see. Several times each week she’ll bring you her observations from the road. We’ve not given any assignments, but we do have one request of her: find at least one person who walks about all day carrying two lobsters. We enjoy crustaceans. They’re cool.

Ms. Stalin has been many things (most recently single), including investigative reporter, master of disguise, travel industry analyst and enthusiast, cloudberry expert, herbicological hobbyist, and ghost writer for Umberto Eco’s How to Travel with a Salmon & Other Essays. Katie has been invaluable to us. For six months she lived as young Asian woman for an upcoming story on the plight of peat moss.

With the exception of Delores P. Grunion, we all wish Katie a safe, enjoyable working holiday across this great confederatorialist nation. Here’s hoping she finds more excitement and erotically satisfying interludes than us back at the ranch. If there’s one person through whom to live vicariously, it’s that apple-cheeked bumpkin, Katie Stalin.

Fifty Beautiful Things

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1. Cannibal chimpanzees.
2. Maggots eating a carcass.
3. The idea of my teeth shattering.
4. The eons-long dominance of the dinosaurs ended by a dumb rock.
5. People doing the Electric Slide.
6. The pain when you get a plantar wart wet.
7. Man-made holes where a forest once was.
8. The desperation of indie rock bands.
9. Floating plastic bags.
10. Coprolites.
11. Drazi.
12. Love Canal.
13. Mutually assured destruction.
14. People forgetting about you when you’re dead.
15. Greedy industrialists who get away with everything.
16. Unidentifiable stains on mattresses.
17. Biopsy procedures.
18. Severely conjoined twins.
19. Polyps of any sort.
20. Josef Stalin.
21. Mercury poisoning.
22. Burning tires on a foggy night.
23. That green stripe of algae you see on the wall at low tide.
24. A pigeon eating a chicken wing.
25. An endless array of oil refineries stretching to the horizon.
26. The smile on a widow’s face.
27. Filthy teddy bears in the toy bin at Salvation Army.
28. R. Lee Ermy’s eyebrows.
29. Second hand bedpans.
30. A senile man who asks me for pancakes.
31. The floor of a taxi cab.
32. Extremely large envelopes.
33. Hot air balloons full of rabid wolverines.
34. Free market capitalism.
35. The Mark of Cain.
36. Salt-Alum pelt tanning
37. The smell of a wet rail way bridge.
38. A bowl full of iron shavings.
39. Two nuns bathing in mashed potatoes.
40. Metric rulers.
41. The sound of a million bees stinging an old mule.
42. A pile of rusted hammers.
43. Brain dead Amish children.
44. A totally hot chick with a black eye.
45. Others’ misfortune.
46. The food no one wants at a buffet.
47. My dreams about cartilage.
48. Generic unscented industrial air freshener.
49. Paper bags full of burned out light bulbs.
50. Jennifer Morrison.