Author Archives: Delores Grunion

The “Why Hitler Was Bad” Checklist

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Yes, we all know that Hitler was an evil person. Even skinheads and neo-Nazis know that deep down, they’re just not willing to admit it. The real question is, do you know why Hitler was a bad person? Well, we’ll tell you right now.

Put an “X” in each box after you fully understand that par-ticular reason, then move on to the next.

(You have to draw in your own boxes)

1. He killed 11 million people, not counting the other 40 million people whose deaths he caused

2. Started the worst war in human history

3. Ruined the Chaplain mustache

4. Made life difficult for anyone named Hitler

5. Was not actually a good artist

6. Gave vegetarians everywhere even more to apologize for

7. Made Volkswagen drivers just a little guilty

8. Denied poor Eva Braun a proper honeymoon

9. Created a reason to cast aspersions on the Swastika, a perfectly decent Hindu symbol of light, learning and peace

10. Makes us all a little weary of a 5’5″ guy with one testicle and a chip on his shoulder

A Special Scientism Section

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The Astounding and Contrafibulating Advances of Science and Learning to be Witnessed by Gentle-Men of the God Fearing Nations in Years Which Shall Follow This One.

Doctor Ulf Goltschleer (age 12) is an inventor, scientist and tinker. He was also the winner of the 1932 Nobel Prize for Applied Radio-Zoology.

His inventions include the Electric Pram, the Carbuncle Inductor, the Silent Gropple Choke, the Wireless Hammer, the Four-Way Radio, the Alternating Sigmoido-Scope and Asia.

He is also notable for the fact that he once murdered Thomas Alva Edison.

* Buildings one hundred feet high!
* Specialized contraptions which are able to navigate through the atmospheres!
* Devices which shall enable men to determine the direction of the wind’s blowing!
* Specialized plates formed from translucent materials which shall be constructed into structures so as to allow men to see though walls.
* Contraptions which will allow for the motorization of all manner of farming implements!
* Carriages which may perambulate without the aid of a pack animal!
* Ocean-going vessels capable of traversing the Atlantic Ocean in only one month!
* Electrical China-Men for construction and labor needs, which work without the need for extravagantly costing food stuffs and liquid nourishment!
* Specialized devices which aid in the removal of solid excrement from the anal region!
* Electrical machines which shall be able to create luminescence without the aid of solid or gaseous fuel stuffs.
* Mechanical devices to aid or even replace semaphore as the chief means of communicating over vast distances.
* Scientifical helmets which shall act as shields against the sun’s powerful light, protecting the eyes and face from unneeded exposure.
* And zeppelins, let me tell you, the skies will be full of zeppelins. A zeppelin in every driveway and monkeys in diving helmets roving through the canyons of Jupiter, deathrays in hand, caught in a life-or-death struggle with an army of silver, shining automatons, and flying cars, and monkeys.

A Glorious Future Awaits!

Ask Montezuma: September 2003

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Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.

Montezuma: Retaliates against Westerners
via gastro-intestinal infections.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a simple farmer, trying to eke out a living in rural Kansas. Recently, my wife and I were shocked to discover that our son is gay. While we still love him and care for him, we can’t accept his idea that this is just his natural thing and not some rebellion phase he’s just going through. What is the best time of year to plant butter beans?
Farmer And Grower of Different Agricultural Disciplines

Mine dearest FAG DAD,
The first proposition I would make to you is that of not smoking. Dying of lung cancer earlier than the Gods demand is indubitably a way in which to fail at the planting, growing and harvesting of butter beans. Butter beans, the succulent legume which is a favorite upon tables of all classes, are best planted at the same time of year as butternut squash. You should plant them at this time, lest the iniquities of your existence prevail upon the shining brightness that was your spirit.

Dear Montezuma,
I am at my wits’ end trying to get my six year old son Billy and his eight year old sister Lilly to eat their vegetables. We’ve tried everything, including bolting them to Renaissance torture devices while force-feeding them, knocking them out with high voltage tazers and then hooking them up to IV feeders, as well as simple bludgeoning with hammers. But nothing works. Is there any way I can get these kids to eat?
My Overt Mission Is Simply Enforcing Vital Ingestion Laws

Dear MOM,
You may get more success in killing your children by proceeding as my ancestors did and sacrificing your children upon an altar to the Gods. Separating the living heart from the body pleases the Gods and brings blessings to your family and nation.

Dear Sirs,
In reading your magazine, I have come across several insulting references to needle-nosed pliers of the small variety. I feel the need to call attention to these egregious and toolist remarks. You said, and I quote, “needle-nosed pliers of the small variety only have one join.” It is incredibly bigoted to present the needle-nosed pliers community as a monolithic entity. Some of us have two joins.
Regards,
Joseph P. Joseph, Buggy Whip Salesman

Jo-Jo, dear boy,
If you’ll refer to the United States Department of Agriculture’s annual Definitions, Uses, Modification and Construction of Common, Less-Common and Obscure Tools for Use in Home, Farm, Automobile and Carpentry Construction and Repair (1999), you’ll see that needle-nosed pliers contain one join.

Dear Montezuma,
Why is it that when I get up in the morning I have to urinate a lot, but later in the day, I must wear trousers? This is killing me, seriously. Please respond ASAP.
Sort of Confused and Ambivalent Man

Dearest SCAM,
The reasons why you must urinate much in the morning and wear trousers later in the day are many. A precedent was set according to the Trouser and Urination Act of 1674 wherein urination and trousers were intimately linked. This, in turn, was based on the Roman Senate’s first proclamation as a rule making body, ordering that “exeunt pacem trouseri urea locum locus.” I’m sure this has cleared up a grand mystery for you, SCAM. May good fortune follow you throughout your life.

Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.

The Pandaland Couplets

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AN ESSAY ON FOREIGN LANDS

by H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson is a leading expert on
International Maritime Law
and on Bridge Playing Tactics.

The ocean is water, the beach is of sand
I want to go to Panda Land

Pandas can see and Pandas can do
In Panda land you can find Panda poo

If Pandas were bishops, then they would wear mitres
If they were pilots then they’d fly stealth fighters

Pandas are black, and Pandas are white
But a shaved naked Panda’s a horrible sight

Pandas are dextrous and work their turn tables
But they can’t ride horses and thus have no stables

Pandas get colds and pandas get goitres
But their legs are to short to allow them to loiter

Pandas love fun and pandas love sport
And they pass down judgments in the Panda Land Court

Pandas look good in black and white photographs
But really fat pandas throw off seismographs

Pandas make waffles and bamboo fricassee
They gorge themselves stupid all night and day

An M-1 tank would crush Pandas to paste
So when one is coming they don helmets with haste

When Pandas are injured they go in for surgery
When they lie on the stand they are guilty of perjury

I met a Panda once, while visiting Toronto
He said he was James, but his friends called him Tonto

Pandas eat mussels, clams and kielbasa
And their cocaine binges leave a tabula rasa

Pandas in ones and Pandas in twos
Panda Land has problems with drinking and booze

Pandas and big boats and these boats have decks
Where upon Pandas have S& M sex

Pandas get drunk and then they smoke reefer
And they’re favourite actor is Sutherland, Kiefer

The panda house has a basement and attic
But their universe theories are still somewhat static

Pandas have rifles and Pandas have bombs
The Panda Land Army enjoys Proverbs and Psalms

Some Pandas are Christian Scientists and not Presbyterians
These Pandas forbid going to see veterinarians

Panda Land has buildings and even a quay
But few Panda males are openly gay

Panda Land has a language similar to Chinese
Pandas take to hang gliding with the greatest of ease

There are Pandas called Lisa and some who are Michaels
But the ones named Muldoony ride blue unicycles

Pandas are smart and Pandas are bright
But the fires of hatred burn into the night

Pandas like blue and Pandas like orange
But Pandas have not mastered the secret of door hinge

Pandas built statues of bamboo and bronze
They display them proudly in front, on their lawns

Panda land is round and surrounded by snakes
But inside its borders are myriad lakes

When Pandas are insulted, they’re quick to retort
Especially when insults occur near resorts

Panda land stores have quite a selection
Especially tools for skilled vivisection

You’ll never see a Panda on the flying trapeze
But there are lots of Panda Pirates sailing the seas

Pandas are hip to all that new jive
But Vir is their favourite on Babylon 5

Pandas have not yet discovered Quaoar
But Panda Land science has still gone quite far

Pandas have missiles, machetes and limes
But only because it is near the End Times

Pandas like cunnilingus and they like fellatio
Panda Land temples reflect the golden ratio

Pandas keep mice and worms in their homes
And each live in small little plastercast domes

Pandas study the work of Buckminster Fuller
Tug-o-war is won by the best Panda puller

Panda Land is rich with artwork and fountains
But none of their sages sit atop the tall mountains

Of all of the spices, Pandas most love their garlic
With their tongues and a Chevy they play a game they call “Car-lick”

Pandas like relaxation and do enjoy loafin’
And treating their headaches with fresh ibuprofen

Panda Land castles have grotesque gargoyles
And Panda Land lepers are covered in boils

Panda land robots are known to be shiny
The ones they call nanites are essentially tiny