Advertisements (Classified) : June 2004

Editor’s Note:
In order to better comply with the Classifieds Reduction and Farm Annuity Subsidy Act (2001), this will be the last installment of classified ads in this publication. Any persons wishing to place ads should contact our sister publication Go Icecream!: The Official Magazine of the Eugene, Oregon Chapter of Teddy Roosevelt Impersonators Internationale.

Thanks, and see you next month!
-Delores.

WARNING:

THE FOLLOWING ADS HAVE BEEN DESIGNATED [CLASSIFIED]
BY THE US DEPARTMENT OF INTELLIGENCE and SECURITONOMY.

ANY PERSON OR PERSONS ENGAGED IN ANAUTHORIZED VIEWING WILL BE SUBJECT TO CRIMINAL PENALTY UNDER THE FREEDOM FROM INFORMATION ACT (1971) AND COULD FACE UP LIFE IN PRISON OR A FINE OF UP TO $4.35.

And Now the Classified Ads
FOR SALE
1 oz. of lunar soil. This is soil produced on the Moon. $55CND, shipping included. Call Rory’s place on Stanton Street.

WANTED
Live version of the Trucker Hat Banjo Five’s “Hosanna Chicago” from the Nyack show. Will pay top dollar for quality version.
Macy: 544-4706
PUBLIC MESSAGE
#77895/33

FOR RENT
Cursed African tribal mask from Congo. Must don mask in presence of rentor for period of 5 minutes or more.
lou@crabtree.net

WANTED
Polyandrous zebra for pool parties and other functions. Must be looking for fun, no commitments.

WANTED
Live specimen of beings from ZX-2579 in the Procarlis Cluster. Must originate from smaller continent!!!
Dr. Schuyler’s Menagerie 2525 Bolton Pkwy.

FOR RENT
Soul Mate. No longer useful for romantic purposes. May be skilled in cleaning or upholstering arts. Paper trained.
779-7425

FOR SALE
One gross of denizens of Lower Grunding. Freshly harvested and ready for consumption. First come, first served. $1 each or $20 per dozen.
Harvey’s Lower Grunding Purveyors of Lower Grunding.

WANTED
Handy disposal service. Myriad homunculi processed in testicles are ready for disposal. Seeking appropriate area for disposal. Women only.
Box 4599

FOR RENT
Eighteen fat women for use with art project.
Alan Rench, 778-1992.
FOR SALE
Whale carcass found on beach. Partly decomposed, but otherwise useful. Transportation costs not included.
Leftron Beach Pier 47

REWARD
For 1 oz. of lunar soil stolen from Montsylvanian College of Agricultural Technical Design Arts’ Arboretum and Space Walk last Thursday. $23 and lifetime pass for information leading to capture and prosecution of science thief.

FOR RENT
Down and out auto mechanic and family. For rent to good home with four bedrooms. Must feed and clothe. Murray 987-6523

INNOCULATIONS!
Daniel Bester, Inc. is offering $15 pre-natal inoculation against various artificial viruses and pathogens. Visit the Nutley Methadone Clinic for more information.

WANTED
Society-changing, innovative technology for cheap licensing and production. Small processing fee, free consultation.
www.patencorp.com

FOR SALE
1,018 piston rods from 1934 Bentleys. Free “I Love Lumberjacks” yarlmulke included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1

FOR RENT
Last page of magazine, formerly classifieds, now great ad space! Contact Delores at “A&A”

Several Poetical Stanzas from H.G. Peterson

“The Poe of Esperia”

H.G. Peterson is the Director of Children’s
Pop-Up Literature at the United States Library
of Congress. He is an internationally recognized
authority on 19th Century whaling vessels.

World War Two: A Poem

Well ol’ Mister Winston Churchill insists
We’ll never surrender despite the Blitz
The British Empire should never fear
Just offer up blood, sweat, toil and tears
The Nazi’s have armies and much air power
But this will be Our Finest Hour

Herr Hitler on the other hand
That angry vegetarian
Had Panzer armies attack East and West
Because he thought Aryans were the best
The Germans picked quite a few fights
And France surrendered in three fortnights

Hiro Hito and the Japanese
Were conquering islands with the greatest ease
They took Manchuria and the Philippines
And Indo-China and all those pacific scenes
Ruled that whole Ocean with a mighty fleet
And an army that knew not defeat

Then in a day that lives in infamy
The Arizona was sunk by the Japanese
Pearl Harbor the US vowed to remember
For the Axis powers they’d dismember
MacArthur and Nimitz moved toward Japan
While upon Germany bombing runs were ran

But the Russians were in a hell of a state
With Nazi’s at the Moscow gate
So Stalin sent millions of guys into the attack
to drive the fascist invaders back
At Stalingrad, on the Volga’s banks
And on the steppes with guns and tanks

Then on D-Day Normandy was liberated
When the British and US troops invaded
Though the Bulge was quite a threat
The Germans had had their match met
The Russians poured in from the East
And the American advance refused to cease

In ‘45 it all fell down
When the Allies marched into Berlin town
The Axis situation became quite dire
With Hitler in a ditch on fire
The Germans surrendered, every man
But we still had to defeat Japan

The Japanese weren’t doing to so hot
For all their transports with torpedoes were shot
They had no oil with which to fight
Their navy had an awful plight
Lots of planes shot down and carriers sunk
Too many ships now underwater junk

Even kamikazes wouldn’t stop their foes
Nor banzai attacks and their deadly blows
Though the Japanese did really try
To make the American armies die
Continual attacks with the B-29s
Destroyed much behind enemy lines

The US liberated the Philippines lands
And landed on the Okinawan sands
Then we island hopped to Iwo Jima
And dropped The Bomb on Hiroshima
Thus after our nuclear adventure
The Japanese could only surrender

We had a party when we got the news
And so we called it World War II

A Special Scientistics Section

An In-Depth Exploration of That Which Provides Sustenance and Balance for the Savage Realm

The Food Chain

Food Chain

The MAN kills the ELEPHANT for his IVORY, which the MAN sells for MONEY.

With the MONEY, the MAN can by BANANAS to feed MONKEYS.

MONKEYS plow fields and grow WHEAT.

Other MONKEYS bake BREAD from the WHEAT.

That BREAD ends up on your table thanks to the food chain and cheap MONKEY labor.

An Histronomistics Report

A Special Study of Charlemagne

Dr. Scott G. Birdseye is Director of the Global Protection Foundation; a non-for profit group dedicated to ensuring successful proliferation of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to needy Third World Nations.

Primary documents are of utmost importance to the study of history, for both establishment of fact and for understanding of the insight and views of those who lived in the past. While historical accounts do not necessarily record the complete truth, as they are biased by the perceptions and personal circumstances of their authors, these documents do fully illustrate how people viewed certain figures and events of later historical importance.

Three works which represent this construct of the aspects of primary documentation are Vita Caroli, De Carolo Magno, and Chanson de Roland, each of which shows a different view of Charlemagne relative to the authors’ own historical and social framework. Study of these documents can show how the image of Charlemagne changed greatly in the years following his death and how Charlemagne’s image evolved from that of a respected leader into that of a firmly established figure of myth and legend.

At the beginning of the twenty-first century, Charlemagne, as he is now known, is remembered as the
premier figure of Medieval Europe, the most influential and well-known ruler to rise from the anarchy and chaos of the post-Roman Imperial world. Born in 742, he became King of the Franks, and in 800 Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, a post which he held until his death fourteen years later. Today, Charlemagne is seen, by some scholars, as the founder and defining force of what would become the modern European society, as, through his administration, brought together German, Roman and Christian cultures into one unique model, which would influence the image of both kings and government in Europe for centuries. This description of Charlemagne, however, is based upon earlier written works, works written during various times and for various reasons.

The first of these early works on Charlemagne was Vita Caroli, (The Life of Charles), which was written sometime between 829 and 836, by Einhard, a member of the court of Charlemagne at Aachen, and a personal friend of the magnate. Vita Caroli was written as an official history and was an attempt to record the life and deeds of the king. The close relationship of Einhard to Charlemagne would, as it seems, create an air of historical accuracy to the work, as Einhard was, in many cases, writing about incidents and events to which he was a personal witness.

However, this close proximity to the subject can also create inconsistencies, as Einhard was undoubtedly loyal to Charlemagne as both friend and subject. Thus, it becomes conceivable that Einhard’s writings held a favorable view of Charlemagne. However, despite the contiguity of Einhard and Charlemagne, Vita Caroli was written based upon earlier public records, to which Einhard, as an official, had ready access, thus negating some of the proximal validity held by the writing. Einhard also chose to neglect some aspects of Charlemagne’s life, particularly those which could be considered scandalous or lacking in propriety, in one case, the questions about the legitimacy of Charlemagne’s birth.

Einhard’s biography does illustrate how contemporaries of Charlemagne viewed the Emperor. While the writer does neglect the king’s improprieties, he mentions many details about the king’s private life, and tells about Charlemagne’s wives and concubines. The work does not overly glorify Charlemagne as a general, and speaks honestly about how limited his actual battle experience is. In all, the tale describes a normal man, who goes through simple daily tasks, dressing and eating, but a man who is also greatly respected for his advancements of learning and for his military campaigns. The fact that several groups of conspirators try to kill Charlemagne points to the idea that he may have been respected, but that this respect was not universal. Einhard, recorder of the documents, even doubts their place in history, and questions whether or not the stories of the life of Charlemagne would even be remembered in the future, despite his then current respect.

This respect had grown however, and by the time of Notkar the Stammering Monk of Gall, some seventy years after Charlemagne’s death. The writer, an elderly monk, living in the same monastery as the infamous Pepin the Hunchback, wrote De Carolo Magno as a trilogy describing Charlemagne’s piety, military prowess, and administration, although the final book was either never written or has been lost. The Stammering Monk never knew Charlemagne, and hence, all his knowledge of the man and his life, came from other sources. De Carolo Magno puts Charlemagne in the realm of the epic hero, and throughout the books, anecdotes and stories are told, the wholes of which form a mythical saga about Charlemagne, those around him, and the events of their lives.

There are important and obvious historical inaccuracies throughout De Carolo Magno, and these are borne out by the mythic nature of the saga and its heroes. The first book describes how bishops encountered the Devil and hobgoblins, and a story in the second book tells about Pepin and his encounter with the Devil. These supernatural occurrences lead to an interpretation of De Carolo Magno as a historically inaccurate document, written not to provide actual reference, but rather as a simple story book, illustrating moral lessons and using Charlemagne’s life as a vehicle for transmitting these moral lessons.

The idea that Charlemagne could be the subject of a collection of moral lessons about how to be courageous, loyal, observe holidays, and live a pious life, shows how Charlemagne’s image had changed only a few decades after his death. The Stammering Monk’s description of Charlemagne is not that of a completely human man who did many extraordinary deeds, but rather that of a noble hero, cultural icon, and nearly sanctified emperor whose gallant life is an example to all. With no powerful successor, Charlemagne had secured for himself an esteemed place, as with his empire in decline, the people, including the Stammerer, had no living cultural hero and thus looked back to the man who had provided astounding things for their world, but who was no more. Thus, did the enmythication of Charlemagne begin.

This ascendance of Charlemagne from respected king to cultural hero had become established as early as two hundred years after his death, as can be seen in Chanson de Roland, the epic tale of the defeat of the infidel expansions into Western Europe. The tale, written to describe the historical events in manner of epic quality, was written some time in the latter half of the twelfth century. While Charlemagne is not the central figure of the story, his place within the story provides important insight into twelfth century views of the first Holy Roman Emperor.

His role in the story is that of the benevolent king, commanding and overseeing the campaigns of Roland, the hero. As he sends Roland to battle, Charlemagne gives to Roland a sacred bow, a symbol of power, promises him almost divine protection, and speaks praising courage and heroism. Thus, Charlemagne is seen as the source and wielder of great power, and as a holy protector, who can promise supernatural safety, and as the personification of the virtues of courage. Therefore Charlemagne, while not the hero of the tale, is an important figure, one of mighty strength and majesty, and as a holy magnate, blessed by God and controlling his power on earth. Gone is the image of a well respected king, replaced by a nearly god-like figure who is the embodiment of all virtue.

While these three documents describing the life of Charlemagne do differ in many ways, and do contain information that is at times apocryphal, biased, and blatantly wrong, they each, in their own way, illustrate the ways in which the first Holy Roman Emperor was seen by people throughout three hundred years of history. As primary documents, the stories show how Charlemagne, a real figure and normal man who engineered important changes in European society, became known as a mythical hero of epic tales, and a near-saint of Herculean proportion, and why today, he is remembered as one of the greatest, if not the premier figure of Medieval European history.