During This Month in History:
2004 AD: Christian radio shock jock Clive van Wallen offends his listeners by having an unmarried couple who engage in intercourse with each other on his show.
2001 AD: Two praying mantises in the jungles of Brazil discover too late the folly of lesbian intercourse in their species.
1999 AD: Due to a typo in a company memo, Innetech programmers accidentally upgrade their banking software for the Y3K changeover.
1995 AD: Alan Greenspan spots a penny on 3rd Avenue but decides to leave it in circulation.
1976 AD: Gerald Ford continues to look and act like a high school football player.
1957 AD: The Inklings, an African-American Doo-Wop ensemble, record the first-ever heavy metal record. Unfortunately, the master recordings are lost in an office fire.
1945 AD: Though Isoku does learn that WWII has ended, as a joke, he decides to stay hidden in the jungles of Guam for thirty four years.
1918 AD: Former American President Theodore Roosevelt pens an editorial in the Cincinnati Sun-Standard expounding upon the benefits of jogging in place.
1904 AD: Using his cunning, and almost mystic powers, Rasputin convinces Dmetri to do the dishes, even though it was clearly Rasputin’s turn.
1891 AD :Elderly chimney sweep Dick Troppin dies of black lung disease, but not before passing on his vast knowledge to the young Pip.
1854 AD: Lt. George Herbert, the 626th member of Light Brigade, who missed the charge due to a broken leg, asks Tennyson to mention him in the poem anyway.
1775 AD: Some Spanish guys pass out from overconsumption of pulque, founding the town of Tucson, Arizona.
1650 AD: After banning Christmas, Lord Protector Cromwell attempts to appease the people by creating Puritan Day; a day of fasting, prayer, and self:denial, featuring twenty three and a half hours of church.
1401 AD: Klaus Störtebeker, history’s first and only German pirate, lands and attacks a hedge in a drunken frenzy.
1327 AD: Mongol warriors build a tiny, four foot pyramid of mouse heads.
1275 AD :While strolling past the court jester, Edward Longshanks inspires England’s first stiltwalker.
999 AD: Aelfrydd Vhesther of Wales builds the world’s largest sod mound at the time.
726 AD: Emperor Seibu of Japan sees two men wrestling and decides he’d like it better if they were overweight and mostly nude.
315 AD: In preparation of their slaughter of the population of Alexandria, Caracalla’s troops burn a model made of straw and mud.
67 AD: St. Peter complains that all the blood is rushing to his head and that he’s really uncomfortable. The Roman guards ignore him.
178 BC: In response to Rome threatening them with invasion if they don’t stop bugging the Lycians, the people of Rhodes join together on the beach for a group raspberry as the Roman envoy arrives.
322 BC: Ptolemy has a wonderful robe made for him in Memphis.
420 BC: Herodotus completes his nine volume History of Footwear, but no copies survive to this day.
500 BC : Gautama has sex with his wife, though only in moderation.
2600 BC: Amahretep the Sun Priest, ignoring instructions, just cuts open a corpse’s head to scoop the brains out.
5200 BC: Arshut, the world’s first homosexual, wishes that someone else was gay too.
10,845 BC: After trading a hunter a leopard skin for a night with Nambar the Large Bosomed, Nam the Prostitute Handler becomes the first pimp.
43, 003 BC: No one in the clan suspects that Furdu is secretly hoarding coconuts.