Poetry-Styled Writing

by H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson

“Nail it to the Door in the Park”

During the Black Death the pilgrimages stopped
With half the folks dead, the land value dropped
As the priests could do nothing to stop the evil plague
Love for Mother Church hopped on its last leg

The Church’s legitimacy was basically gone
With one pope in Rome and one in Avignon
With bank accounts falling, his spirits were low
And the Pope figured he had one way to go

If good works could your sins wipe away
Instead of good works, why don’t you just pay?
Good works take time and since time is money
Just give the Church gold and everything’s sunny

Was paying gold for forgiveness what God had in mind
When the rules for good life He clearly defined?
One fellow in Wittenberg wasn’t quite sure
That writing a cheque would make your soul pure

So Martin Luther, the above-mentioned priest
Realized the sell of indulgences should be ceased
In 1517 on Halloween night
He decided that he should set this thing right

He nailed to the Wittenberg church’s door
Ninety five things that told them what for
German jaws dropped seeing this information
And thus began the Great Reformation

Soon after that Rome’s power did snore
And now Papal Bulls you can safely ignore

Katie Stalin Goes to the Ocean

stalin 25

The Middle of the Atlantic Ocean- A funny thing happened to me on the way to Bermuda. You see, I was supposed to go to Bermuda to check out the local fishing industry. They catch quite a few wolf-man crabs around there, which I guess they shouldn’t call fishing, since crabs aren’t fish, but ah well, what are you gonna do? Nothing probably.

To get to Bermuda I booked a ticket for this cruise ship called The Splendor of Norway. It was totally nice and even had a lido deck. I have no idea what a lido is or why it needs its own deck, but still, it had a lido deck. We set sail from Miami on a Friday and the weather was all nice and sunny. That first day, after stowing my supplies in my room, I hit the deck and stretched out on a chair there to catch some rays.

Later, I made out with this guy I met at the buffet. There had to be three types of chowder and a guy who cut up the roast beef for you right there at the buffet table. It was a nice buffet, probably the fourth best buffet I’ve ever eaten at. No nachos though. I was having so much fun and we still had two days left till we reached Bermuda.

Okay, this is where it gets weird. It turns out there’s this three sided area called the Bermuda Triangle. I’d never even heard of it until The Splendor of Norway was halfway through it. And of course, wouldn’t you guess, the entire ship disappeared. Totally, it just vanished. Luckily I had had too many tequilas and had fallen overboard right before it blinked out of existence.

Fortunately a few bits of the ship survived, including a life raft which I took. There was a radio on board, but I couldn’t pick up any stations on it, there was some talk, but no good music or anything. It was solar powered. Neat. After a bit I got hungry so I unthreaded part of my shirt into a long string and made a hook out of my key ring. Yep, I caught some fish and ate them raw, just like sushi. Later, I drank some rain water.

Finally I got rescued by some passing Japanese fishermen. I don’t really know what Japanese fishermen were doing in the Atlantic. Though I did ask them if catching crabs was really fishing. They said it wasn’t at all. They said it was called crabbing. Just goes to show you that people in Bermuda don’t know what they’re talking about. Now, it’s Monday and I’m headed back to civilization. If you happen to spot The Splendor of Norway, you should alert the Coast Guard, and should you see that guy from the buffet table, give him my number okay.

katie stalin
Katie Stalin is an inquisitive girl and holds the record for the world’s prettiest ping-pong player. Her appetite for nachos is insatiable and she loves to collect interesting looking protractors.

The Historigon: Caliguly 2006

Historigon

During This Month in History…

  • 2003 AD: After seven months, four days and nine hours, the band Hovercraft finally breaks the world record for the longest ever rendition of the song “Da Doo Ron Ron.”
  • 1996 AD: With two years and 50,000 man hours behind them, Steve Seljuk and his staff of 1200 researchers almost finish cataloging the Internet so that users may easily find what they need on the World Wide Web.
  • 1982 AD: Tasmanian heart surgeon Charlotte Canberra invents the first successful cowboy hat for monitor lizards.
  • 1953 AD: Yumjaagiyn Tsedenbal, General Secretary of the Mongolian People’s Revolutionary Party, learns about chocolate milk from an old copy of Life magazine. Cocoa-flavored mare’s milk never quite takes off.
  • 1929 AD: After losing all his money in the stock market crash, Rodger Yasper Yates begins to regret purchasing 8 million shares of Fake Company Ltd.
  • 1881 AD: In order to ring in the new year, young lovers Adeline Smith and Charles Hutley, and their chaperone, share a raspberry phosphate.
  • 1643 AD: Scottish pig farmer Malcolm MacDonald fails to be elected to the Papacy.
  • 1555 AD: Henry II of France answers a courtier that, yes, he was rather fond of blue. The same courtier then asked Henry to pass the honeyed cakes and was later executed.
  • 1416 AD: Roger the Sheepfarmer, while in bed, first thinks himself accursed that he had not ridden with Henry V at Agincourt on St. Crispin’s day.
  • 1300 AD: Sirmiq Takiyok wakes up in his igloo and imagines it will likely be another day of seal hunting and the stench of burning blubber. He sighs.
  • 1111 AD: Upon taking over his father’s seat, Baldwin of Flanders casually wonders what the world would be like if dogs could talk. To a friend he jokes “If dogs could talk, they’d probably ask for more food.”
  • 832 AD: What would become known as the Canary Islands enter their 7000th consecutive year of uselessness.
  • 642 AD: As the Muslims storm Egypt, young Malmud of Medina looks up at the Great Pyramid of Cheops and realizes that it is indeed rather tall. Later, upon returning home, he attempts to dramatize the size of the pyramid by using large, sweeping hand gestures.
  • 124 AD: A young man found a young woman attractive.
  • 3 BC: Multanifi gets bored with the sleep-inducing sounds of the traditional didgeridoo and invents an advanced, oboelike instrument in a matter of hours.
  • 795 BC: Some barbarians come steaming through the Asian steppes.
  • 1430 BC: This Egyptian joke is inscribed near the source of The Nile: How many Nubians can travel the river together in one boat? Five!
  • 2347 BC: Researchers in Atlantis discover that all galaxies appear to be moving away from one another. This discovery is overshadowed by the simultaneous invention of the sandwich.
  • 4502 BC: Sumerian barley farmer Shashtafarmmin finds the barely soup he had accidentally left buried in an earthen pitcher for the winter. Later he and his wife invent drunken sloppy sex.