WrittenCorrespondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof.

Dear Axes and Alleys:
I wish to extend to all of you Peace, Happiness and Hope for the coming New Year, and let us wish also for better health. I thank you for the lovely cards which many of you have sent. Now for new and old information which you may need. The exterminator is coming on a Saturday so that almost all tenants are home at that time. You know that roaches and rodents will not invade your apartment if you keep it clean. If these pests have no food they cannot live. Do not leave food anywhere in the open, and keep the garbage in closed plastic bags until taken outside to the garbage cans. Place your bags in the cans and cover with the lids which have been provided for you. You know that you must recycle which means separate: plastics, glasses, and cans from the papers and other materials. Do not clog the drains with hair and other objects which should not be thrown into sinks. If you do, you pay for the plumber’s work.
I am sending the envelopes for the rent. You put your name on the left corner of the envelope and the rest is printed for you. You know that rent is due on the first day of each month. Many of you refuse to acknowledge it. I understand that it is hard to have enough money for all the things we wish to have, but rent must be send before many things are bought which are not that necessary. Remember to have 5 things on the check you send for rent: YOUR NAME-APARTMENT NUMBER-BUILDING NUMBER-THE MONTH FOR WHICH YOU ARE PAYING-AND CENTS. Please send the cents. For instance you rent is $825.34, include the 34 cents. The reason is that many of you have the same rent and the same name. The cents are there for individuality, so that no one has the same amount of rent as you. Write your name and the numbers clearly because the computers in the bank can refuse a check it cannot read. Please do not write in the upper left corner. Write on the lower left corner of your check: date (month and year), apartment and house numbers. If you need further information call or write. I read all the notes you send me. If you call, speak slowly and clearly, and leave your telephone number.
Happy Holidays, F. & M. Di Rico

Dear Magazine,
Hooray for Puffins!
Love,
The North Atlantic Treaty Orgnization

To the Editrix, Ms. Grunion,
I would like to point you to the advertisement on page 5 of your latest issue (Volume 456-BR7(9) Issue 6). I, that is to say as myself, have personally used Mertleson’s Assassination-Proof Lavatory Fixtures in my own home. I went to the local Domicile Terminus six months ago to purchase a Mertleson’s Mk. IV Polished Black Teak fixture. I enjoyed the use of my Mk. IV, lavating my head, torso and buttocks, but not my feet, twice daily. The six feature adjustable tub jets with optional erotic hologram display was perfect for my uses (these do not include committing Onan’s sin in the Mk. IV fixture). For five months I was safely ensconced from noon to nine in my Mk. IV. However, I’d like to tell you about the events of November 27, 2004. You see, I was engaged in exfoliating the pre-grundal region of my scrotum with a mixture of microbeads and volcanic ash when two men entered the bathing area of my home. I greeted them, as anyone would, and encouraged them to make themselves at home. To my surprise, I was stabbed 13 times and strangled, my corpse mutilated by one of the previously mentioned men. As such, I would like to inform your readers that as a pipe-fitter for Local 306, I am not a target for assassination. Mertleson’s Assassination-Proof Lavatory Fixtures do not equal a get-out-of-death card. These fixtures do not mean that one can live a life of living and metabolizing
if one is not of political or religious importance. My post-murder experience has been, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, a bit rigorous, but I have enough time in my day to write to you to mention this small matter. I would encourage your readers on no note to keep this in mind and suggest that Axes & Alleys include such a disclaimer as is necessary in all future advertising media from Mertleson’s included in your fine publication.
With warmest regards,
Sir Charles Napier

To the Editors,
The Clumbak Particles have made the state very proud. In their championship match with the Norbert Instigators, they performed extremely well, coming up 17-2 at the head and gaining national attention. Our state should help support the Particles in every possible way. New team shirts should be purchased and equipment donated as quickly as possible. The tax dollars are needed, the heart of the children is there and no one has played a finer game of Chutes and Ladders in the history of the game as a competitive sport.
Sincerely,
Ethel Rosenberg