Monthly Archives: June 2004

Ask Montezuma: June 2004

Posted on by
Reply

Providing Help for the Hopeless

Montezuma is Second Baseman for the
Elizabethia Ocelots, the AAA Northsouth
Regional League Champions.

Dear Montezuma,
Woe is me for my life is full of inequity. At least seven times per day I am attacked by various animals of nature’s menagerie. Recently, on the occasion of yesterday, I left my house to journey toward the place of my vocational duties, when I was blitheringly assaulted by no less than nine pelicans, two weasels, seven ants and sixteen griffins. An elderly Gypsy woman has informed me that I may escape this curse only by killing the Head Animal. Who is this head animal and how might I kill him? Please respond quickly, for even as I write this eleven badgers, two moose, a parakeet and four geckos are attempting to rupture my spleen.

My Inequities Never Cease Every Moment Engaged in Animal Terror

To Mousemeat,
I became quite engrossed in the pulchritude of your tale; eager to come to some complete solution to your overwhelming problems. However, upon re-reading your letter, I became puzzled at your description of pelicans. You see, in my younger years I was quite the amateur naturalist, traveling with notables such as Audubon and Thoreau. I’ve traveled the continents with His Majesty’s Royal Navy in a cryptozoological capacity and explored the myriad wastes with lauded discoverer Phineas Lester. In all my years of experience, I’ve never seen pelicans group together in a number which wasn’t a multiple of four. Hence I find your being assaulted by nine pelicans dubious. Furthermore, pelicans, through the process of natural selection, have lost the capability to blither because of its liability in catching and retaining piscatorial organisms. So, I would kindly ask that in the future you try not to pull the proverbial wool over my literal eyes.

Dear Montezuma,
How is it that you know so much and are capable of providing answers to all things? My roommate, Shep, claims that you have knowledge based upon reverse engineered alien technology from spacecraft which crashed to Earth in 1947 at Roswell. I maintain you own an encyclopaedia. Which of us is correct?
Love and Kisses,
Divulge, Oh Notable Treasury of Knowledge, Now Or Tomorrow.

Dear Doughnut,
What is knowledge? Is it the sum of an individuals accumulated factual capacity? The complex interaction of intuition and thought? The emblematic province of the human psyche? Seems like you’ve put me on track to a new book on this as of yet unexplored area in human development.

Dear Montezuma
How is it that pancakes taste so much better than sulfuric acid? I have, on several instances, eaten both pancakes and acid and have always found that the best flavor comes from pancakes. Is there something inherent in the chemical makeup of flesh-melting acids that makes them taste so terrible? Is that why people don’t drink or eat caustic chemicals? Just curious. Also, why do hats exist?
Please Answer Nicely ‘Cause Anger Kills Everybody

Dear Pancake,
Pancakes and acid derive from a common ancestor in the Cenozoic Era. Originally they were quite similar in constitution, appearance and flavour, but over the millennia certain factors have accumulated which have changed the very fabric of their existence. Pancakes are now a fluffy, tasty, all-engrossing breakfast treat, whereas acid has become useful in many parts of the world for cleaning and manufacturing processes. Keep in mind that neither is really intended for human consumption and that while pancakes do taste delectable, they should only be an occasional treat.

Dear Montezuma,
What is three times four? I really need to know because I’m taking an arithmetic quiz right now and if I get another F my father will beat me horribly like he does when he’s drunk and mommy didn’t have dinner ready. Please, please, please. I need to make an A.
Beatings Really Are Traumatic

Dear Bat,
Why didn’t your mother have dinner ready? Taking responsibility for one’s action is imperative to an enlightened society. To assume the great task of providing sustenance to one’s relations is paramount if one wishes to create a stronger, more agreeable progeny. It is also, obviously, useful in avoiding the resultant and fully-justified beatings one will receive if such sustenance is not provided. I would encourage you to clip out this article and show it to your mother, so that she may better understand her important role in society. Oh, and, good luck on that quiz!

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I’ve been hearing bells, especially on Sundays. I don’t always hear them. Most of the time this happens on or around the hour and half hour. The problem is especially pronounced, as I said, on Sundays, when I attend church. They get really loud as I approach for Mass. I’ve been to see many doctors and psychiatric pspecialists, but they either tell me I’m crazy or prescribe medications. I don’t want to be doped up! I just don’t want to hear the bells anymore. How do I get a literary agent?
My Expressions Salutations Agency

Dear Mesa,
One can say unequivocally that you are in dire straits. Literary agents rarely handle clients with auditory hallucinations, as this is generally detrimental to literary output and the verve of finished product. In order to better facilitate your acquisition of a literary agent, I would suggest using a proxy. Proxies are hard to come by. You need to find someone of roughly the same physical characteristics as yourself (minus the bells), and who can speak authoritatively on the subject. I would suggest using the new Pseudo-Clone™ technology from SonOculus, a Daniel Bester, Inc. company. The excellence displayed by the SonOculus research and development department is unparalleled in the audio-visual market. Pseudo-Clone, using a simple skin-sampling kit, can create a doppelganger that functions as you, and goes to places you cannot, including dangerous psychic territory. Otherwise you may be out of luck.

A Sport Report

Posted on by
Reply

Kalisotta Special Olympics an Unparalleled Success

Wire-filed by Jeremy Rosen on June18, 2004

Jeremy Rosen is the worldwide curator of the
Sine Wave Museum, part-time Astro-Combustion
specialist at the European Space Agency and an
active protagonist in CAMMWSMWK (the
Campaign Against Mandated Minimum Wage
Standards for Migrant Workers in Kalisotta).

Alabaster, Kalisotta- Great strides were figuratively made this past weekend in Alabaster, where the fourth annual quadrennial Calisotta Special Olympics took place in J. Edgar Hoover Stadium on the shores of Lake Chively.

Ronald Montgomery of Bakersfield, IW placed first in the wheelchair race division with his introduction of a wheeled chair powered by a 250cc engine. Ronald finished the 50 meter track in a record seven seconds, gaining the gold over Louis Asterson and Aldo Casper, who received silver and bronze respectively. Mr. Montgomery has certainly evened the playing field, prompting the Calisotta Special Olympics sub-committee on Rules and Standards to reexamine paragraph 3, sub-section 12 on wheel chair standards.

This year’s oil crawl was particularly exciting. Rice Edgars slid to a fantastic finish down the slide, though silver recipient B. Prowter has contested Edgars’ first place finish on collision interference and steroid use grounds. Officials are examining photographs of Edgars’ from two months ago, which Prowter purports to show a marked and suspicious growth in upper body muscle mass.

Perhaps the most enjoyable event was the Buoyancy Competition, wherein participants are judged on standards of buoyancy, placidness and adornment. Samuel J. Samuels deservedly won this event with his special tribute to American democracy. Floating still, regardless of wind and waves, Samuels was festooned with crinoline American bunting, a swim cap modeled on the Constitution and a spiral-patterned version of the Declaration of Independence circling his entire body.

Notable also was Christer Jorgensens Salute to the Armada, which accurately reenacted the famous British sea battle, but lost on account of Jorgensens recreation of the sinking of the Spanish ship Alhambra wherein Jorgensen himself sank beneath the water and had to be retrieved by lifeguards.

Bestoria, Montsylvania: The Garden City

Posted on by
Reply

Bestoria, Montsylvania is much the same as any modern teeming Kafka-esque metropolis. It full of skyscrapers, has an inefficient mass transit system and swarms with legions of vagrants, winos and crack-whores who roam the streets stalking innocent pedestrians that they can rob, rape or heinously murder.

By Regional Travel Correspondent
Dr. Katie DeLancy.

But anyone who takes the time to dig through the steaming pile of feces that Bestoria appears to be on the surface, will find a city that teems with more than just maggots and death. Though the streets may be strewn with garbage, corpses and discarded disease covered needles, though the parks may be home to shanty towns of semi-savage homeless dregs, the city of Bestoria has many notable attractions that distract the eyes from the squalor and depravity most often associated with this city.

So come with, and take a tour with me of this mighty city; the Garden City!

Founded in 1830 on the winding banks of the Calazoona River, Bestoria was named for legendary Revolutionary War hero Samuel Bester, whose family hailed from nearby Whatchaw County in what was then the Territory of Montsylvania. When Montsylvania became a state in 1832, the city became the state capital, a position it maintains to this day.

Many of the original Antebellum houses can still be found, in varying states of disrepair, in Old Town Bestoria, a small enclave on Bircher’s Hill which still overlooks the river where once river boats brought cotton, slaves, aloe and other commodities up the river from New Orleans. One notable home has now been transformed at tax-payer expense into The Bestoria History Museum. Prixby Place is a marvel of Sub-Georgian architecture and many hundreds of people stop by each year to see its many displays including such amazing artifacts as antique dentures, nineteenth century wheelbarrows and first Montsylvanian Governor Alexander Hull’s official gubernatorial croquet set.


Prixby Place Bestoria History Museum.
401 Walton Way. Admission $1.00 Adults,
$.89 Children.

Those tourists who find the Prixby Place History Museum a bit too quaint, may enjoy something a little more avant-garde, for instance, the National Museum of Performance Art, located in the heart of the Spot Welding District. Once a home to the city’s thousands of spot welders, this area is now a collection of trendy, up-scale establishments which cater to the city’s many trendniks, wannabe artists, and hetero-queers. The N’MPA as locals know it, houses many interested and impossible to understand pieces of art including Michelle Durint’s “Flame” which features video images of monkeys lighting candles while a metallic voice shrieks “Repression” endlessly or Gustav Loider’s infamous “Speakings on Lettuce in the Heat” where the artist sits naked in a vat of peanut butter while attractive naked female communist college students perform oral sex on him. It’s fun for the whole family, especially the members of the family who majored in “Feminist Prose” or “Psycholinguistics of Gender-Modes.”


Amanda Channing’s installation “Grasp #67”
on display at the National Museum of Performance Art.
Suggested Donation: One cabbage as an allegory of
female oppression in a patriarchal phalocracy.

Of course, no trip to Bestoria would be complete without a glimpse of the famous “Sideways Tower” built by renowned architectonomist I.P. Nim in 1947 to celebrate the hundred and seventeenth anniversary of the Bestoria’s founding. At two hundred and three feet, it is the longest sideways tower ever constructed. Visitors can take a crazy sideways elevator to the edge of the building, where they can look down at a spectacular view of the street below, or look up at a spectacular view of the sky. And now, the Sideways Tower is better than ever, since the rats and homeless have been cleared away for good.


The famous Sideways Tower of Bestoria

Bestoria is not just home to mindless art projects and pointless architectural oddities. The city also has one of the world’s largest and strangest zoos; the Montsylvanian State Zoological Taxidermy Gardens. Here, visitors can see thousands of different types of animal carcasses, each in a representation of their natural environment. Don’t forget to stop by the Submerged Primate House, where you can see stuffed chimpanzees stuffed into fish tanks. What a treat for any animal lover!


Another heart-stopping-adventure filled
day at the Taxedermy Zoo in Bestoria.

Not many people know that you couldn’t spell Bestoria without S, and that S is the first letter in the word store, and in the word shop as well. There’s a lot of great deals to be made in some of the world’s best retail and wholesale outlets. You can find whatever you’re looking for in Bestoria. First, make a stop off at Pantstravaganza, your home for all things trouser-related. Britches too constricting for you? Then why not try near by Skirtsapaloozza! where they have nine kilometers of skirts to choose from. But whatever you’re looking for, make sure you stop by the world famous Hormel Megastore, the largest canned meat retail center in the world. They have everything from Spam, Spam light, chili, corned beef hash, and anything else your heart could imagine, and all in their six story, ultra modern mega sized store.


Get great deals on canned meat products
at the Hormel Megastore

And, of course, be sure to stop by the State Capital Building, where you can see the United State’s only Septocameral State Legislature in action.


The Bestoria State Governmental Compelex. Open
to the public on weekdays. No handguns allowed.
Rifles only when properly licensed.

Why, there’s simply too much fun stuff to do in Bestoria and unfortunately I have only three alloted pages for my articles. Guess you’ll just have to go and see Bestoria for yourself then. Tell ‘em Katie sent you.

Letters: June 2004

Posted on by
Reply

Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear Sirs,
I would like to write a letter to express my gratitude to you for possessing the boldness necessary to publish last month’s superb article “Picturesque Waynesboro, Georgia.” Why, I was so impressed with your article that I decided to take my vacation there this year. My lesbian-life-partner Trudy and I had a wonderful time enjoying all the exciting things that Waynesboro had to offer. We especially enjoyed The Wet Spot and Rock the Box, two of the city’s many lovely lesbian bars. The highlight of our trip was when we got to see Elvis Bussard, one of our favorite drag kings, perform the Andy Williams’ song “Moon River.” What a treat! Thanks a bunch for your article, I look forward to more fun from your magazine in the future.
Love in Christ,

Angela C. MacArthur

To Whom This Might be of Concern:
It has occurred to me that July 1st of this year will be the nine hundred and seventh anniversary of the Battle of Dorylaeum (Eskisehir), fought between the Turkish forces of Kilij Arslan, Seljuk Sultan of Rum and the Crusaders under Bohemond of Taranto. Truly the Novcentetseptennial of this important battle demands serious recognition within the pages of your publication. Why, if the Crusaders had not won this battle, how could they have subsequently captured the city of Antioch? Where then would our modern world be? On our block we will be having a barbeque and cake walk to commemorate this event, because we must always remember the sacrifices of those who fought to conquer foreign lands and suppress unfamiliar religions. We must never forget that these noble Christian invaders defeated the Saljuks, directly leading to the collapse of the Ottoman empire a mere eight centuries later.
Thank you.
Warmest Regards,

Maximilian “Mac Attack” Smythe-Horowitz

Dear Publishers of Axes and Alleys,
Recently I have discovered a device which can imbue kangaroos with telekinetic powers. I call in the Pneunguin, because I already registered that name back when I was trying to come up with a pneumatic penguin. Unfortunately I happened to invent the kangaroo thing first, so that’s that I guess.
Love,

Arthur Gordon (Mrs.)

Dear People,
I would like to point out that across this land, criminals who violate laws, have no respect for the social contract. Convicted convicts and felons who commit crimes should be held accountable for their criminal actions in courts and court-like institutions.
As a legally abiding law abider, I think that these criminals should take crime more seriously. Not only does crime violate the law, but it is an infraction against the penal code. Judges and juries should take more time out of their busy schedules to try these convicts and convict them.
Crime would not be such a terrible thing in our society if we had fewer criminals, felons, convicts, lawbreakers, and offenders. Perhaps we should remember that the next time we go to the polls to vote in an election. Otherwise, criminals will be free to violate the legal laws without repercussions.

Delores Pogrot-Grunion-Habberdan