The World of Histronomy

With Dr. Scott G. Birdseye

Scott Birdseye is a professor at the world-renown Botham
University in Himmot, Accadia. Throughout his life he has
traveled to various countries, written various things and
seen up to seven different types of brickwork. He does not
enjoy mushrooms; both the flavor and the texture; in his
opinion, are entire unappetizing.

On the Subject of Forts and Fort-Like-Things

Just as weapons can be divided into two distinct classes: shock and missile, so can military tactics be divided into two different categories: the light, fast and maneuverable and the heavily armored yet. There are abundant examples in the history of warfare of instances wherein different categories of weapon or soldier were able to claim supremacy of the field, whether shock troops such as the Medieval knight, missile troops such as the longbow, or fast, light troops such as guerrilla fighters. Each specific attribute provides both strengths and weaknesses, as is the case with heavily armored yet slow troops, an example of the sacrifice of mobility for protection. The ultimate example of this sacrifice is the permanent fortification.

Completely lacking mobility, permanent fortifications, though their imposing strength could prove themselves nearly impossible to capture, producing a system of combat dominated by the prolonged siege. Although the development of artillery caused the decline of the castle system, it also generated the invention of new forms of fortification, typified by the works of French engineer Vauban, whose contributions to the art of defensive construction and siege-craft would dominate that field for nearly three hundred years.

The system of permanent fortifications for military defense is as old as recorded civilization. The earliest stone wall structures of Asia Minor and the Southern Caucuses slowly developed over thousands of years into the architectural marvels of the massive walled cities of Classical Greece and Rome. Forming the basis of the early Medieval permanent fortification, the city wall concept dominated the field of strategic defenses until the later rise of the Norman military concepts. The Franks and Normans were the first group in Europe to modify the non-permanent wooden mot and bailey design into the permanent stone castle concept, which was a direct response to Viking coastal raids. Soon after their development, castles began to dominate the military landscape of Europe, which was, in the Middle Ages, under constant threat of internal war and external attacks by Vikings, Mongols, Muslims and others.

With imposing size and simple basic design, the castle was popular with Medieval nobles. Castle walls were generally about fifteen to twenty feet thick and used height as a defense against scaling and mining, two of the prominent siege tactics of the time. The strength of castles depended not only on their size, but also on the relative weakness of the available siege weapons. Economics also added to the defense strength of castles, as prolonged sieges were often too expensive for Medieval feudal lords, thus insuring the near invulnerability of castle defenses.

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Poetry from the Master

H.G. Peterson is a world-wide literary phenomenon
as well as being inventor of the extra-super collider.

Inundation of Shame, Part I

There are a dozen little building bricks
For of quarks and leptons there are each six
Quarks come in their flavors, there are three pairs
Up-Down, Strange-Charmed, and Top-Bottom are there
Now the six leptons you have in this batch
Each has a neutrino type that they match
The electron, muon, tau are the three
These with their partners all six leptons be

There’s a group like these with opposite charge
Though their numbers are not very large
These are the antiparticles, you see
They do not make up things like you and me
But when matter and anti-matter meet
They blow up each other which is quite neat
There may also be sparticles somewhere
That’s not proven so you don’t need to care

That’s what makes up matter, like dogs and suns
They are called fermions isn’t that fun?

Inundation of Shame, Part II

Matter alone doesn’t the cosmos comprise
There’s energy too, in four-forcéd guise
Electromagnetism is a force
And gravity is also one of course
Two nuclear forces, the strong and weak
Round out the four forces of which we speak
Yet perhaps they are all one and the same
If one figures that out, they’ll get much fame

You know forces come from particles too
Ws, Z, and eight gluons that glue
Photons make up light, we can’t leave them out
So that there are twelve, or so there about
These particles can pop in from nowhere
And disappear again, without a care
Larger they are, the less time they are here
Stronger forces only work when they’re near

These force particles, bosons they are known
Make the sun shine and spin like a cyclone

Letters: August 2004

Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

To The Esteeméd Editors,
In June’s issue (Vol. 456-br7, Issue 04), you carried an advertisement for H.B. Industrial Systems’ “Imagine” line of products. I am concerned that you might be misleading your readers by the inclusion of this marketing ploy. “Imagine Time,” one of the background lines of the image is a dangerous thing to say. You see, time is not part of the imagination, but a constant of our Universe (I’m not sure about other Universes, but they’re pretty much on their own lookout, aren’t they?). Do you realize the many lives that have been ruined by this capitalist plea? Doctor’s appointments missed, aeroplanes launched at the wrong moment, scientific timetables ruined and all experimental data void, leaving one at the cruel ignominy of peers and colleagues who ridicule at the university dining hall tables usually reserved for one, but now no seat is to be found as they laugh and laugh (this was my particular predicament). All because one sits comfortably, or stands, or lays awkwardly astride the couch “imagining time.” Keep such considerations in mind the next time Axes & Alleys is accepting advertising money.
Regards,
Walton Shuffle, Ph.D

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Do you remember the time we lay in the grass, enjoying the interplay of light and shadow from tree and cloud? Do you remember how I gently opened you beneath the grand oak on the hill, stroking your luxuriant pages with my verdant eyes? I didn’t think so. However, in the future, remember this: the attentions of a scorned reader past come back ten fold in future retribution.
Yours truly,
Joe Lapinski, Ret.

Dear Ms. Grunion,
I would like to thank you for the wonderful History of Tractors article (Issue 24). That was perhaps the foremost writing of the subject I’ve seen in two years. I once had a tractor and would very much like to have one again, therefore the entire issue, returning to the Roots of Axes & Alleys was quite a boon for me when I saw it in the gutter last Thursday. Someday, I too will be a tractor pilot and I will have you to thank.
With Effulgence,
Morty

Dear Sirs,
We were always destined to see this sad day. Set aside the cost of victory and the anguish of defeat; we’re going to wind up with a renamed overpass everyone hates. Our town is more divided than ever over this issue, especially since the overpass cuts through the geographic center of town.
Overpasses have a way of not traveling the expected route. Not a one of us who desired to see our overpass renamed in honor of this city’s longest-serving alderman, Chet “Hoe Boy” Addison, is happy with the result.
Nor, I’m sure, are the proponents for the winning name, that in “honor” of God almighty. You see, I was traversing the overpass, when I noticed that all the signage upon, around and pointing to the overpass had it listed as the “Godd Overpass.” It seems there will ever be more conflict as it is now impossible to change the name.
Sincerely,
William C. Stosine
Belfry Nave, IW

Dear Ladies and Gentleman,
It bothers me that you continually ignore the Gods throughout this publication. To you, I suppose, it is all just science, facts, figures and bunson burners. Does science bring you the weather? Huh? No, it is Neptune. Does science strike you dead with lightning bolts? No, that’s Jupiter that does that. And who do you think brings us wine? Science? Think again, people. That would be Bacchus. Remember that from now on please.
Ajax Muhammad.