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Fifty Interesting Things About Elizabethia

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  1. The Rorschach Pop-Up Book
  2. St. Mertel’s nuclear-powered wind mill.
  3. Native Tim Wright was the first man to dispute the fact that Saturn has rings.
  4. Famed Lithuanian explorer Herich Lembrul was born there (yes, he’s from Splatonville).
  5. Quasi-immortality serum.
  6. Pornstar Moishe Lembelbach is an Elizabethian.
  7. The ratio of stuff to things in Elizabethia is exactly ?.
  8. Clitoral enhancement surgery was pioneered in Elizabethia.
  9. Sturdy, particle-board chairs.
  10. The nation’s only statute on polyamorous inheritance.
  11. Plastic, imitation, non-functional corn-cob pipes.
  12. High-speed wireless salamander communication.
  13. The top-selling Barenaked Ladies Live at Shermer’s Hardware Store was recorded live at Shermer’s Hardware Store in Macormick.
  14. America’s largest strip mall is located along all 75 miles of Elizabethia State Highway 5.
  15. The Patunxet Meteorite Crater is, at 1 meter wide, the state’s largest crater.
  16. John Quincy Adams’ conception place, also the state’s oldest pub.
  17. The Northeast’s only 1:1 human body exhibit: Elbert Jenkins.
  18. The Elizabethia Governor’s Mansion is the only Governor’s Mansion made entirely from maple and oatmeal.
  19. Owensville’s Amputee Emporium.
  20. Elizabethia has the highest concentration of benches per capita in the world at 423 per person.
  21. Radiohead lead singer Thom Yorke performed more shows in Elizabethia on his solo tour than in any other geographic area recognized by the U.S. Census Bureau.
  22. The International Framing Olympics is held throughout the state every five years.
  23. Elizabethia is in the top six states by riding lawnmower ownership.
  24. World’s third oldest umbrella testing area outside Hommetsboro.
  25. Famous Wade’s sells bottle rockets two for a penny.
  26. The “Slow, Children at Play” sign was first introduced on Mayfair St. (also in Splatonville).
  27. Blackbeard’s beard comb can be viewed at the Maritime Museum (currently on tour).
  28. The state’s lowest point is underwater.
  29. Though fictional Mayberry was set in the neighboring state of North Carolina, the gas pumps from Gomer’s were imported from Elizabethia.
  30. The character of The T-1000 was based on former Elizabethian governor Diamond “Diamond Mitch” German.
  31. Pocket shrews are such a nuisance for Elizabethian farmers that the branded rattler was introduced to keep them in check. It failed.
  32. Though the four-pronged electrical outlet failed to catch on, they’re still used in 24% of Raffeyville homes.
  33. Abbotstown features the only shark-themed bowling alley on the entire Eastern Seaboard.
  34. The X-Files episode “Bump in the Night” featured Elizabethia resident Betty Hargrove in the key role of “Patient #3.”
  35. Instead of using the words “perhaps” or “maybe,” locals tend to say “may’hap.” This may startle many visitors.
  36. Until 1981 Elizabethians had a series of fourteen different positions for mailbox flags, allowing for greater communication than the standard binary system popular throughout the country.
  37. Ghender is known throughout the South East as the “Blind Date Capital of the South East.”
  38. On his way to Mexico City, the exiled Trotsky had a brief lay-over in Elizabethia, where he ironically purchased several icepicks.
  39. The Ummer Pantworks in Fester produces more pleats in one day than Europe produces in eight years.
  40. Triften is the only city in America that does not fall under any designated ZIP code.
  41. Thompson Elementary School is celebrated as the “Home of Homework.”
  42. Brandenburg, EL’s gate is rather different from its German counterpart.
  43. Elizabethian lobsters tend to be, on average, slightly bluer than those from Maine.
  44. The excellent 230 area code.
  45. In 1995 the state ban on ADP was lifted, finally allowing for cellular respiration.
  46. The Braynard Family Restaurant serves seven kinds of custard.
  47. Catatawa River Site manufactures Uranium PU-36 for use in space modulators.
  48. Milk is taxed at an astounding rate of three hours of community service per gallon.
  49. Deep, deep spoons for maximum soup intake.
  50. Elizabethia is nice.

Katie Stalin: Pentember 2007

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stalin

glacier nation

Glacier National Park, Montana – My friend Thom told me I should check out a glacier before they’re all gone due to something he calls climate change. I looked it up and it turns out there are glaciers in the United States. So one of my editors gave me $25 for a bus ticket out here on the border with Canada on the condition that I mock Alberta during my visit. I just gave it the finger, British style, so that’s taken care of. Well, I don’t see what the BFD is. Majestic beauty, largest reservoirs of fresh water on the planet, blah blah blah. It’s a big hunk of ice and there are plenty of people who could, I don’t know, use fresh water that’s not stuck up on top of a mountain somewhere.

That’s another thing. I read in the Encyclopaedia Britannica that most glaciers are found on mountains. So you have to do a lot of stupid hiking through nature to get there. After you wear yourself out stumbling through wildflowers and other junk, the payoff is this big blue thing covered in dirt. That’s right, glaciers are dirty, just like the grubby nature lovers standing around gawking at them. And they’re too blue. Blue makes me angry.

Getting angry helped me prove another point. This one nature princess was going all Gaia Theory on me and wouldn’t shut up, so I kinda shoved her. Into a crevasse. Which brings up another point: you could die going to a glacier. They’re dangerous with all the crevasses in them and ice rivers flowing under them into hidden lakes. If there’s one thing I really hate it’s too many crevasses. I lost my beef jerky in one.

They’re also really cold. That’s another way to die; from cold. For instance, you could go scuba diving in those lakes I mentioned; but when I went, one guy got stuck, got that hypothermia thing, and died, all while I floated there watching him. I thought maybe all the thrashing he was doing would keep him warm, but it just ripped up that fancy thermal suit of his.

So, glaciers move, which is something else I read. They get warmed up by the sun and the ice melts and the water gets through all the cracks to the bottom of the glacier and it starts sliding around. Boring! Sometimes they flow into a lake or the sea, which is actually kind of cool because the ice makes a lot of noise and you can see the stupid thing falling apart right in front of your eyes. It’s sort of neat that glaciers move all those rocks and reshape the land. Then you get awesome-sounding topological features like moraines and drumlins. But when I think about it at the end of the day, there are better ways to move rocks around. I got one of those rock tumblers from Spencer’s Gifts which does it in two to three days.

The only good thing about my trip was the nacho stand near the Jackson Glacier. Except for the fact that I had to eat them in the freezing cold, and the melty Velveeta they used pretty much froze instantly, and the missing jalapenos on the top, it almost made up for coming out here in the first place. I thought of writing another book called Nachos of the National Parks, but when I got home I found out it was the only nacho stand in any of our national parks. That sucks, you know? The Department of the Interior should have a little more respect for one of our national foods.