I came to Templeton, Accadia because of its reputation as the relationship advice capital of the world. according to the Relationship Advice Weekly Circular, anyway. My editors say they get a lot of mail about my love life as described in this magazine. That really made me want to stab all of you in the eyes with mechanical pencils and then click the end a lot so that the lead went all the way back into your brain. It also made me decide to peep Templeton and get some questions answered.

My first stop was at Love Success Publications, Ltd., home of Jimmy Gwaltney the famous relationship advice author and lecturer. I met with Jimmy, who is apparently a fan and provided some stupendous nachos during the interview as well as some nice Mexican suds. Anyway, I asked him my first question: “What does it mean when a guy says he wants to have sex with me?” This is kind of where the interview started to go downhill because he laughed at me.

“So, okay, maybe that’s too obvious,” I said. “What about if he asks me out to dinner. What does that mean?”

Jimmy seemed to choke a bit before answering that “pretty much any time a guy says something to you that he doesn’t have to, he wants to have sex with you.” Then he laughed some more. Shortly before I broke his arm for that, he tried to qualify that by saying guys were interested in talking and companionship sometimes. Then I had to hightail it out of there as the receptionist heard all the breaking glass when I tossed all of Jimmy’s awards through the window and smelled the smoke from the fire I set using his copies of his latest book as kindling.

I stole some keys on my way out. Turns out one of them was to this sweet Japanese motorcycle out front. So I took that for a spin, picked up a strawberry shake at a drive through, but then tossed it into oncoming traffic as I ran a red light because it tasted like cardboard. Sorry about that truck, guys. Hope that ASPCA van came through okay.

So I took this opportunity to visit one of the many freelance relationship experts whose offices dot Templeton. Mistress Bitney Jones-Kopaceki had a great place with this huge, plush, red couch and lots of incense, so I totally felt right at home. We cracked open a bottle of red wine and I got down to business.

“If a guy doesn’t call me five minutes after we’ve gotten off the phone, does he hate me?”

Mistress Bitney confirmed that, yes, if a guy doesn’t call you back within five minutes he probably thinks you’re ugly. I also found out that if he doesn’t want to spend six hours chatting on the phone or via instant messenger late into the night, he’s probably sleeping with other people. I knew it!

My last stop was with sex and relationship therapist Stanleyetta Johnstone. See, I’d had this really weird hookup back in Albuquerque I wanted to ask about. I almost didn’t make it to Johnstone’s spacious office with the interior waterfall because I had to stop off at the candy store. And, of course, they were real turds when I was walking around sampling the different sweets in there. Of course the rage just took over and I cracked open that emergency fire hose in the corner and let it rip. Have fun restocking that inventory boys!

But anyway, like I was saying, I was in Johnstone’s office sitting next to this awesome waterfall and I had to get the last question off of my chest.

“If we’re having sex, and I’m just laying there like a starfish not responding for five minutes, and he starts asking me if this feels good, or if that feels good, or if there’s something else I’d like him to try, does that mean he’s not really attracted to me?” And boy if the answer isn’t yes.

I had the feeling that going to Templeton would clear up for me the fact that guys are scumbags and I got the answers I was looking for. Men! Just for that I just might head up to Dry Michigan, known as “The American Isle of Lesbos.” See you next month!