Category Archives: Scott Birdseye

The March of Progress: January 2005

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JEWS IN SPACE!

A Look at the Adventure of Following the 613 in Space

Jerusalem 5: Israel’s new space station is our last best hope for Shalom!

As humanity moves further into the Space Age, the burden will be upon us evermore so to redefine our cultural traditions for the new environment of the Void. As we explore the stars, so must we reëxplore ourselves.

Of utmost import to me today are the 613 commandments which Jews are obligated to practice. I’ve used a fine Pre-Ciso knife to whittle down the list to a few choice items. Earlier, I took the opportunity to sit down with three leading Rabbinical authorities to discuss the challenges inherent to the prospect of Jewry in Space, specifically the practice of the 613 Mitzvot.

Though they differed on many key points, as Rabbis often do, they agreed that tradition must not be forgotten; indeed our cultural legacies are perhaps the most important cargo we will collectively stow away for our long voyage into the Universe.


Rabbi Menachem Schmileson started the Rabbinical Institute for the U.S. Department of the Navy during World War II and has been at the forefront of the automated bris movement since 1962. While there have been some recent problems with the fourth generation of robotic circumcision equipment, stock in Mecha-Snip! LLC has skyrocketed.


Rabbi Jared Schmendelson is a graduate of the Yeshiva Gran Tourismo in Milan, Italy and specializes in practical applications of the Torah in the formula 1 racing circuit and has published many papers on the transmission of the Talmud via quantum entanglement. He is currently rabbi-in-residence at the Art Nouveaux Reform Temple in Charlotte, NC.


Rabbi Ahuva Zusman Keshet was the only Ultra-Orthodox scholar willing to participate in this forum. He did not offer any biographical information, but he has a wonderful felt hat.

And Now the Discussion

Jews are commanded to affix a mezuzah (a small prayer scroll in a case) to the doorpost of their home. Obviously this would not apply to a temporary dwelling such as a space ship. However, we currently have an International Space Station in orbit. What is the proper place in which to affix a mezuzah in the ISS?

Schmileson: Well, the ISS has airlocks, not doors, so while it is an entrance, it has no doorposts. Furthermore, it’s a modular system. So let’s say you put the mezuzah in one module and it’s connected to another. Which way is in and which way is out? My solution would be to place a mezuzah on both sides of the airlock.

Schmendelson: Clearly a mezuzah belongs on the main access hatchway, however the main living compartment also contains a toilet facility, which makes it a space used for unclean actions. A mezuzah on the main access hatchway is the only reasonable place.

Keshet: Jews should not live in the space station.

Jews are commanded to recite the Shema every morning and every night. How could this be accomplished in orbit or in an interplanetary spaceship, where night and day do not necessarily apply?

Schmendelson: The mission time is set at the launch point of the aircraft for orbital missions. Day and night should be judged according to that time on the ISS. As for an orbital mission, the same general time applies. For a journey to another planet or star, it becomes debatable. The launch facility time should be used until halfway through the mission, then the time at the place of landing or orbit should be used for the other half.

Keshet: Jews should not travel in space.

Schmileson: The most appropriate time is the time in Jerusalem for interplanetary expeditions. Once arrived, the day and night cycle will be completely different. G-d did not command us to observe our circadian rhythms, but the Days and Nights. When on another planet, the rising and setting of the Sun as seen from that planet should be used. While I’m sure G-d would appreciate the Shema twice every 90 minutes, he knows that such blessing would detract from the temporal mission. It’s best to follow mission time.

There is also a commandment not to leave a beast which has fallen beneath its burden unaided. Positing that the vessel in which one travels through the Void is such a beast, what should an observant Jew do in a vessel which is in danger?

Keshet: Spaceships and space stations are not beasts. Jews should not be in them, on them or around them.

Schmileson: Absurd. Totally absurd. Vessels are obviously not beasts. Would you have sailors tend to their ships as animals?

Schmendelson: Sailors tend to treat their vessels as being alive and thus with care. The same could be said of a void-traversing vessel, which provides more life and sustenance for the traveler than any surface vessel. Care should be taken to meet the needs of the ship.

Let’s say you’re traveling with an Ammonite or a Moabite.

Schmileson: There are no more of those people.

Okay. You colonize the planet and only have a daughter, while a Gentile has a son. These are the only progeny. How do you continue the colony?

Schmendelson:If there is a Gentile who does not convert, I would say the special circumstances allow the union, but not if it be forced. How is the seed of Israel to continue in the stars?

Schmileson: Jews should not travel with gentiles, but in such a case I would say smite the Moabite or Ammonite and impress upon the Gentile to convert. If this does not happen, artificial insemination would be appropriate if everyone cared for the ensuing children. However, Jews don’t belong in space, so the question is moot.

Keshet: The colony should never have started.

Jews are not supposed to work on the Sabbath (and other holidays). How is this accomplished in an environment where mere existence is and relies upon work?

Schmendelson: If you cannot live without the work you must do daily I feel it’s the same as the accommodations made to those who are too frail or unhealthy to not eat on days where Jews fast, like Yom Kippur. If not maintaining the space craft or station will endanger your life, you may continue to work.

Schmileson: That sounds Kosher to me.

Keshet: Yet another reason why the Void is no place for Jews.

What about eating organisms on another planet? Certainly if there are creatures on another world they will be significantly different from those on Earth. What is the far-flung traveler to do?

Schmileson: That is particularly un-Kosher. The expedition should bring enough supplies with it for the duration of its stay. If a colony is planned, I suppose a trained Rabbi should be sent along to decide what’s Kashrut. One should hope that there are ruminants or cloven hooved creatures on the colony world.

Keshet: You just keep proving my point. If your daddy was circumcised and wore a yarmulke, don’t step off-planet.

Schmendelson: I would say that under the circumstances, of which there are many different ones, alien creatures could be eaten if lives were at stake, but every effort should be made to bring along that which is needed to survive.

Now, you’re not to possess inaccurate scales or weights. How does a Jew conducting business in space or on another planet do so properly?

Schmileson: That’s pretty simple. Just recalibrate your instruments to work on the other planet. Modern technology is quite useful, just don’t do it on the Sabbath (and charge interest).

Schmendelson: If you’re traveling to many different worlds, it may become difficult to carry the proper weights and scales. I would suggest that any businessmen not deal goods while traversing the Void.

At this point Rabbi Keshet left the Kosher deli in which we were having our discussion. I’ve not heard from him since, but he left his hat, so if anyone knows where he is make sure to drop us a line.

Men and women are exhorted not to wear the clothing of the other. How does this apply to spacesuits, which were originally worn by men?

Schmileson: Spacesuits can be considered tools and not clothing, therefore it does not matter who wears them. As for the coveralls worn underneath, these are not intended for people of either sex, so may be worn by both without problem.

Schmendelson: I’m sure as the human presence in space grows, people will come to treat spacesuits as a fashion statement. As such, a man should not wear a woman’s spacesuit or vice versa, as it will be a personal exhibition of that person’s cultural mores.

Finally, there are several injunctions against letting an uncircumcised person touch holy things. What if aliens do not have penises or male and female.

Schmileson: I’m not even going to get into that one.

Schmendelson: Maybe Jews shouldn’t be in space after all.

Clearly, the expansion of the Hebrew peoples throughout the cosmos is a question meant for the Talmud. Hopefully, this article will be the first step in a close examination of the circumstances Jewry will encounter among the many stars. Surely many of these can be answered before we leave the atmospheres for the greater glory of the galaxy. If there are any rabbis out there who would like to add to this column, please feel free to contact the editors of this fine magazine.

Written by

Jeremy Rosen is Extra-President of the United States of America,
a position created under the new 29th Amendment to the
Constitution. Also he is an ex-aircraft carrier designer for
the Messerschmitt Company.

Letters: January 2005

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WrittenCorrespondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof.

Dear Axes and Alleys:
I wish to extend to all of you Peace, Happiness and Hope for the coming New Year, and let us wish also for better health. I thank you for the lovely cards which many of you have sent. Now for new and old information which you may need. The exterminator is coming on a Saturday so that almost all tenants are home at that time. You know that roaches and rodents will not invade your apartment if you keep it clean. If these pests have no food they cannot live. Do not leave food anywhere in the open, and keep the garbage in closed plastic bags until taken outside to the garbage cans. Place your bags in the cans and cover with the lids which have been provided for you. You know that you must recycle which means separate: plastics, glasses, and cans from the papers and other materials. Do not clog the drains with hair and other objects which should not be thrown into sinks. If you do, you pay for the plumber’s work.
I am sending the envelopes for the rent. You put your name on the left corner of the envelope and the rest is printed for you. You know that rent is due on the first day of each month. Many of you refuse to acknowledge it. I understand that it is hard to have enough money for all the things we wish to have, but rent must be send before many things are bought which are not that necessary. Remember to have 5 things on the check you send for rent: YOUR NAME-APARTMENT NUMBER-BUILDING NUMBER-THE MONTH FOR WHICH YOU ARE PAYING-AND CENTS. Please send the cents. For instance you rent is $825.34, include the 34 cents. The reason is that many of you have the same rent and the same name. The cents are there for individuality, so that no one has the same amount of rent as you. Write your name and the numbers clearly because the computers in the bank can refuse a check it cannot read. Please do not write in the upper left corner. Write on the lower left corner of your check: date (month and year), apartment and house numbers. If you need further information call or write. I read all the notes you send me. If you call, speak slowly and clearly, and leave your telephone number.
Happy Holidays, F. & M. Di Rico

Dear Magazine,
Hooray for Puffins!
Love,
The North Atlantic Treaty Orgnization

To the Editrix, Ms. Grunion,
I would like to point you to the advertisement on page 5 of your latest issue (Volume 456-BR7(9) Issue 6). I, that is to say as myself, have personally used Mertleson’s Assassination-Proof Lavatory Fixtures in my own home. I went to the local Domicile Terminus six months ago to purchase a Mertleson’s Mk. IV Polished Black Teak fixture. I enjoyed the use of my Mk. IV, lavating my head, torso and buttocks, but not my feet, twice daily. The six feature adjustable tub jets with optional erotic hologram display was perfect for my uses (these do not include committing Onan’s sin in the Mk. IV fixture). For five months I was safely ensconced from noon to nine in my Mk. IV. However, I’d like to tell you about the events of November 27, 2004. You see, I was engaged in exfoliating the pre-grundal region of my scrotum with a mixture of microbeads and volcanic ash when two men entered the bathing area of my home. I greeted them, as anyone would, and encouraged them to make themselves at home. To my surprise, I was stabbed 13 times and strangled, my corpse mutilated by one of the previously mentioned men. As such, I would like to inform your readers that as a pipe-fitter for Local 306, I am not a target for assassination. Mertleson’s Assassination-Proof Lavatory Fixtures do not equal a get-out-of-death card. These fixtures do not mean that one can live a life of living and metabolizing
if one is not of political or religious importance. My post-murder experience has been, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, a bit rigorous, but I have enough time in my day to write to you to mention this small matter. I would encourage your readers on no note to keep this in mind and suggest that Axes & Alleys include such a disclaimer as is necessary in all future advertising media from Mertleson’s included in your fine publication.
With warmest regards,
Sir Charles Napier

To the Editors,
The Clumbak Particles have made the state very proud. In their championship match with the Norbert Instigators, they performed extremely well, coming up 17-2 at the head and gaining national attention. Our state should help support the Particles in every possible way. New team shirts should be purchased and equipment donated as quickly as possible. The tax dollars are needed, the heart of the children is there and no one has played a finer game of Chutes and Ladders in the history of the game as a competitive sport.
Sincerely,
Ethel Rosenberg

Historiography de Jour

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The Story of Colonial Mexico City

Scott Birdseye
Dr. Scott Birdseye is the Rufus Palmeroy Scholar in Pan-International Historitical Studies at the Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts. His menagerie includes two giraffes, a condor, twelve different species of monkey and a salamander named Clem.

Peace in Colonial Mexico City was a product of the system of social order based upon economics and racial relations. Division defined the social structure, ethnic and economic division between the ruling elite and the plebian subjects, and racial division within the plebian lower classes. As the wealthy Spanish ruling class formed only a small percentage of the population as a whole, the elite used governmental regulations and politically based legal system to maintain a high degree of official separation between the races which made up the lower classes.

Fearing for loss of control, the elite used lower class division as a means to ensure continuation of their own power and to ensure greater stability within society. Racial division and upward economic mobility, while maintaining the social order upon which the elite based their domination, also increased random, sporadic violence between racial groups in the lower classes, diminishing the effectiveness of the system for maintaining overall social order.

Colonial Mexico City was characterized by racial diversity and by a high degree of interaction and intermarriage between different ethno-linguistic groups. The early racial division concerned only Spanish and Indians, however, later institutionalized slavery defined the three main racial groups in Mexico as Africans, Spanish and Indians.

While a wide variety of racial identifications existed to distinguish people whose ancestry crossed the clearly established lines of race, initial Spanish political rulings overlooked the more complex racial identities present. Within the intermediate ethnicities there existed a lack of definitive methods of racial identification, blurring and obscuring the once clear borders of race.

In the daily life of the castas, race was not an important issue, and racial identity tended to be ascribed only by interaction with governmental institutions. Strict categorization was unnecessary in plebian life, where loyal affiliation involved family and neighborhood rather than race or class. Spaniards, both Criolo and Peninsulares were generally the only group concerned with strict records of ancestry and racial purity. Thus, it was only in these groups, which formed the elite, that exact racially identity was known.

For the plebian elements in society, fixed racial identity was unimportant, and it was common for an individuals race to change, due to both changing economic status and to the differing opinions of governmental recording agents.

Spanish distaste for the castas was common, and aversion quickly evolved into fear, fear which was amplified by the fact that the ruling elite were in the minority. The Viceroy of New Spain declared that mestizos, mulattoes and free blacks were dangerous and implemented a series of policies designed to halt social unification of the underclass. Conspiracies by Africans in 1608 and 1612 only furthered Spanish fear and desire to control the commoners. It was legally forbidden for Africans and anyone of even partial Spanish blood to take up residence in Indian villages.

Despite these ordinances, interracial socialization, particularly in Mexico City’s pulquerias and gambling dens continued. Through people of different races interacted regularly, different standards applied in the legal arena. Castas were subject to harsher laws and economic regulations than were Spaniards. Indians were still required to pay tribute, and mestizos were often subject to the Repulica de los Indios. Thus, the plebian classes had many divisions under the law, divisions which eventually evolved into de facto separations within the lower class. People of the lower classes however, continued to use the Spanish legal appeal system, illustrating a recognition of the Spanish law and its institutions.

The plebeians saw the legal distinctions as valid in many cases, and followed them as was expected under the Patron-Cliente System. The commoners viewed the rulers as their Patrons, who would protect and provide for them, and in exchange the commoners understood their obligation to obey Spanish law.In economics, like law, racial identity became a way for the elite to secure division amongst the lower classes.

Labor and types of available employment were tied to race, as Indians were still forced to provide encomienda labor and castas generally were limited by the occupations of their families. Thus, occupation provided a way to create and perpetuate separate and distinct racial identity. With the constant silver shipments to Spain, money was rare in Colonial Mexico, and what cash was available was concentrated in the hands of the elite. Accumulation of liquid assets was nearly impossible for non-Spaniards, and any wealth was in the form of land or goods. Upward social mobility, while difficult, was accomplished in Colonial Mexico through economic means, ensuring that within the non pure Spanish population racial identity could change.

Thus, while the different races were divided, within individual ethnicities, loyalty to the race was unknown, as racial identity could change through economic means. The Patron-Cliente System dominated racial mobility, as economic mobility often depended upon the willingness of the elite population. This system created an inherent instability within Mexico City’s population. Elite patrons were required, within the confines of the system, to provide economic protection for the commoners in order to insure social stability.

Food scarcity and price increases were seen by the lower class as a failure of the rulers to meet their obligations, and in such situations, the plebian masses saw obedience as unnecessary. The lower class often used the threat of riots and violence as a means to manipulating the bureaucracy to get better or fairer treatment under to law. Conditions of this sort in Mexico City in 1692 became so intolerable for the lower class that they were able to unite and, through a massive riot, threaten to terminate the rule of the elite.

Pumpkin Restorative

Plebian unity, however, was short lived, and division within the lower classes, fuelled by racial distinctions, brought about the end of the riot and the reestablishment of the elite control. After the ferocity of the riot of 1692, the Spanish elite reiterated and expanded upon their policy of racial division as a means to ensure their own political and economic domi-nance.

In the end, internal division within the lower class made radical social or political change in Mexico an impossibility. While the system of division based upon racial identity did enable the elite to maintain their control over the political and economic systems of Colonial Mexico City, it did little to maintain peace within the city.

Personal violence and crime created by the divisions were un-abated, and riots and violence by the lower class, though unsuccessful in bringing about political and economic change, disrupted daily life and the social order within the city. In one respect the system was successful, in that it enabled the elite to maintain control, however, the elite, through their own system, failed to provide true stability and safety for the commoners in the manner of a proper Patron.