Category Archives: Scott Birdseye

Letters: Mapril 2007

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Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

To Whom It May Concern,
Your article on college by Garnet “Collegebound” Bruell (My Essay About College, Volume 456-BR7, Issue 14) is full of crap. I met Garnet at the campus diner the other day and he’s nothing like he describes in the essay. I asked him about various colours and, you know what? He doesn’t like colours. When I asked him if he wanted to share my sandwich with me he said he wasn’t hungry, contradicting his statement that he likes to eat! How can you print such lies?
Provost Teresa A. Sullivan
University of Michigan, MI

To Whom it May Concern,
Thank you for your interest in the papacy and in the Holy Catholic Church. While the I do enjoy meeting and speaking with Catholics the world over, I am often too busy with prayers and services to answer each letter personally. Please continuing partaking in the Seven Sacraments and thank you for your letter.
Love in Christ Through an Intermediary,
Pope Benedict XVI
Vatican City

To the Editors of Axes & Alleys,
There are several major problems with your so-called comic in the last issue. First of all, the American flag patch is on the left arm of an astronaut’s suit, not the right as depicted in this illustration. Secondly, astronaut helmets do not feature any jutting antennae, as these would be too delicate for an EVA and may snag on something, jeopardizing communication with the shuttle or lander. Third, there is no mission patch present on either the chest or shoulder. Also, there is no such thing as aliens. At least not like they’re depicted here. Please do your research before publishing this nonsense. It perpetuates ignorance and could cause children to lose interest in manned space exploration programs.
Catharine Coleman
Cape Kennedy, FL

Dear Mrs. Occupant,
Would you be interested in learning more about brass? Send away today for your free brass information pamphlet from the Brass Advisory Council.
The Brass Advisory Council
Grand Rapids, MI

Dear Editors,
Why is that your magazine is only scratch-and-sniff in the Czech Republic Edition? Here in Poprad, we can only get the Slovakia Edition and are hence unable to scratch or sniff anything at all. Our olfactory senses have become dulled. Back before the fall of the Iron Curtain, we used to be able to get the Czechoslovakia Edition, which was edited by the Party, but at least could be smelled. Why have you granted only the Czech Republic with the scintillating world of scents? Also, could you please start reprinting the Ruthania Edition?
Bost Malichi
Poprad, Slovakia

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Does your magazine have anything to do with Peruvian supermodel Alexis Andaliz? She is really hot and has a name similar to that of your magazine. Is this just a coincidence? Because she’s totally hot. I even have her picture as my desktop wallpaper.
Maria Thymagissine
Llanddewi Brefi, UK

Dear Axes & Alleys,
The contents of my pocket are: two quarters totaling fifty cents, a safety pin, and one glove.
Sincerely,
Henrietta Stevenson
Glendale, SC

Dear Delores R. Grunion,
My name is Billy Green and I am a ten year old boy with a horrible disease called Billy Green Syndrome. This disease is genetic and was named after my father. The doctors said that it was incurable and, like my father, I would die before the age of eleven. But then last night Jesus, and his brother James, appeared to me in a dream and told me that I would be miraculously cured, but if only I would write a letter to your magazine. Jesus, and his brother James, said that if you refused to print my letter then I would be miraculously cured and everything would be alright and my mommy would stop crying. So please don’t print this letter or allow it to appear in your magazine. I don’t want to die.
Billy Thompson Jr.,
Harrisburg, PA

To the Editors,
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is the world’s largest animal rights organization, with more than 1.6 million members and supporters dedicated to animal protection. This letter concerns your recent glorification of the mistreatment of animals at Magic Muffin’s Research Campus in Monrovia, MV (Mammals Move Muffins, Volume 456-BR8 Issue 02). Numerous animals, including snakes, monkeys and sloths have been subjected to cruel treatment in a salacious effort to “improve” human life. On behalf of our members and supporters in Montsylvania, we respectfully ask that you print a retraction of your propaganda piece for the animal slavery industry and publish an article provided by our media department: The Immorality of Muffin Industrialization and Animals.
Dan Paden, Researcher
Domestic Animal and Wildlife Rescue & Information Department, PETA

Fifty Interesting Things About Elizabethia

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  1. The Rorschach Pop-Up Book
  2. St. Mertel’s nuclear-powered wind mill.
  3. Native Tim Wright was the first man to dispute the fact that Saturn has rings.
  4. Famed Lithuanian explorer Herich Lembrul was born there (yes, he’s from Splatonville).
  5. Quasi-immortality serum.
  6. Pornstar Moishe Lembelbach is an Elizabethian.
  7. The ratio of stuff to things in Elizabethia is exactly ?.
  8. Clitoral enhancement surgery was pioneered in Elizabethia.
  9. Sturdy, particle-board chairs.
  10. The nation’s only statute on polyamorous inheritance.
  11. Plastic, imitation, non-functional corn-cob pipes.
  12. High-speed wireless salamander communication.
  13. The top-selling Barenaked Ladies Live at Shermer’s Hardware Store was recorded live at Shermer’s Hardware Store in Macormick.
  14. America’s largest strip mall is located along all 75 miles of Elizabethia State Highway 5.
  15. The Patunxet Meteorite Crater is, at 1 meter wide, the state’s largest crater.
  16. John Quincy Adams’ conception place, also the state’s oldest pub.
  17. The Northeast’s only 1:1 human body exhibit: Elbert Jenkins.
  18. The Elizabethia Governor’s Mansion is the only Governor’s Mansion made entirely from maple and oatmeal.
  19. Owensville’s Amputee Emporium.
  20. Elizabethia has the highest concentration of benches per capita in the world at 423 per person.
  21. Radiohead lead singer Thom Yorke performed more shows in Elizabethia on his solo tour than in any other geographic area recognized by the U.S. Census Bureau.
  22. The International Framing Olympics is held throughout the state every five years.
  23. Elizabethia is in the top six states by riding lawnmower ownership.
  24. World’s third oldest umbrella testing area outside Hommetsboro.
  25. Famous Wade’s sells bottle rockets two for a penny.
  26. The “Slow, Children at Play” sign was first introduced on Mayfair St. (also in Splatonville).
  27. Blackbeard’s beard comb can be viewed at the Maritime Museum (currently on tour).
  28. The state’s lowest point is underwater.
  29. Though fictional Mayberry was set in the neighboring state of North Carolina, the gas pumps from Gomer’s were imported from Elizabethia.
  30. The character of The T-1000 was based on former Elizabethian governor Diamond “Diamond Mitch” German.
  31. Pocket shrews are such a nuisance for Elizabethian farmers that the branded rattler was introduced to keep them in check. It failed.
  32. Though the four-pronged electrical outlet failed to catch on, they’re still used in 24% of Raffeyville homes.
  33. Abbotstown features the only shark-themed bowling alley on the entire Eastern Seaboard.
  34. The X-Files episode “Bump in the Night” featured Elizabethia resident Betty Hargrove in the key role of “Patient #3.”
  35. Instead of using the words “perhaps” or “maybe,” locals tend to say “may’hap.” This may startle many visitors.
  36. Until 1981 Elizabethians had a series of fourteen different positions for mailbox flags, allowing for greater communication than the standard binary system popular throughout the country.
  37. Ghender is known throughout the South East as the “Blind Date Capital of the South East.”
  38. On his way to Mexico City, the exiled Trotsky had a brief lay-over in Elizabethia, where he ironically purchased several icepicks.
  39. The Ummer Pantworks in Fester produces more pleats in one day than Europe produces in eight years.
  40. Triften is the only city in America that does not fall under any designated ZIP code.
  41. Thompson Elementary School is celebrated as the “Home of Homework.”
  42. Brandenburg, EL’s gate is rather different from its German counterpart.
  43. Elizabethian lobsters tend to be, on average, slightly bluer than those from Maine.
  44. The excellent 230 area code.
  45. In 1995 the state ban on ADP was lifted, finally allowing for cellular respiration.
  46. The Braynard Family Restaurant serves seven kinds of custard.
  47. Catatawa River Site manufactures Uranium PU-36 for use in space modulators.
  48. Milk is taxed at an astounding rate of three hours of community service per gallon.
  49. Deep, deep spoons for maximum soup intake.
  50. Elizabethia is nice.