Category Archives: Scott Birdseye

50 Things You Don’t Normally Find in the Supermarket

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1. The mummified remains of Allen Ginsburg in aisle 3.
2. Bread and/or pastry shaped like genitalia.
3. An assortment of Mexican cheeses with labels written in Ukrainian.
4. Pickled seal flippers.
5. Hearty Cream of Giant Clam Gazpcho
6. Cabbages engineered to display advertising for themselves.
7. Generic packaging created after 1976.
8. Unsalted saltines labelled simply as “crackers.”
9. A third option between baskets and carts.
10. People who understand how to use debit, credit, and subsidised food cards in the convenient machines located at the checkout counter.
11. Quality building materials at low, low prices.
12. A complete scientific lecture hall with audio-visual equipment.
13. Katie Stalin
14. Magazines such as National Geographic, Scientific American, or Discovery.
15. Self-checkout lines without someone to help you check out.
16. Burlap or linen as additional alternatives to paper and plastic.
17. Grapefruit with a tag explaining exactly why they’re called grapefruit.
18. Toothpicks made out of tropical wood.
19. Harvested-the-same-day snails.
20. Varmint frankfurters.
21. Heart-of-Palm flavoured grits.
22. Abundant transistors, capacitors, and other electronic parts.
23. Assorted spare buttons.
24. Live piglets for purchase and slaughter.
25. Proper end-cap merchandising.
26. Hormel sausage-flavoured toothpaste.
27. Parrot cutlets.
28. Shopping carts with tracks instead of wheels, for aisles with difficult terrain.
29. 14th Century siege weaponry.
30. Mars’s lesser-known cousin, the Uranus Bar.
31. Costumed characters licking the floors clean.
32. HO Scale model trains.
33. Longview, the Greenday tribute band.
34. Attractively displayed casts of the dead people from Pompeii.
35. Animatronics cartoon characters leading a poorly arranged sing-along.
36. A series of dioramas showing life in Albany, NY (c. 1948).
37. Prosciutto vending machines that will take crumpled dollar bills.
38. Shrimp-stuffed garden hoses.
39. Film critic Roger Ebert standing at the door, smiling warmly as he hands each customer a crisp, fresh radish.
40. Cream o’ Sorghum hot cereal.
41. An aisle where the skulls of all fifty-six signers of the Declaration of Independence are nicely displayed and clearly labelled.
42. An elephant steak slicer that customers can use for free.
43. The highly unpopular Flemish game hen.
44. Bags of Gummi Adlai Stevensons.
45. A monkey cage next to the lobster tank.
46. A properly functioning tilt-a-whirl.
47. Comfy grass instead of that damn linoleum.
48. Good quality, discount chum.
49. Canned fire.
50. Shopping carts that are big enough to comfortably seat a full sized adult.

Katie Stalin: Fabuly 2007

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stalin

I wanted to get to Sarasota after all that stupid Spring Break stuff and before the Summer tourist season, but I shouldn’t have worried. The only way going to Florida could be more boring than visiting Sarasota is if you spent your whole time sitting in a bush. Seriously, the place sucks, so of course there was no Spring Break action to begin with.

First, there’s the crappy architecture. I thought this whole architecture thing was retarded until I visited here. It’s so bad that I actually noticed. It’s a bunch of pink buildings that look like the inside of a cow’s stomach. Seriously, the place is like cow vomit. There are also a lot of dumb awnings everywhere, like people are going to move to place that’s sunny, and then avoid the sun. I tried to set fire to one of them, but stucco doesn’t burn so well. And of course I was forced to kick some old guy in the shins when he came over to yell at me.

That’s the other thing. Yeah, it’s a cliché and stuff, but Florida is full of old people. I mean, I saw one cute guy and he turned out to be 45 or something and wanted to take me back to his condominium. That’s so lame. Like, a well-off, youngish 45 year old can’t afford a swank hotel?

Anyway, I ditched him at the Cha Cha Coconuts bar and took a cab over to the Backroom Saloon. Jesus, even the gay bars suck in this town. Just a bunch of old cranky dudes with their “life partners” sitting around drinking bourbon. Seriously, when I go to a gay bar I want tight abs, lots of dancing, and “you go girl” enthusiasm. I don’t want cottage cheese thighs in tight shorts with gray pubes hanging out. Yuck.

Well, I’m in Florida, so I figured I should go check out the beaches. They would be nice if it weren’t for all the condominiums right next to them and all the old guys in banana slings walking around. Not to mention the spinsters attempting to wear bikinis. I mean, that gave me no chance, ’cause I’m a hot girl just laying out in a one-piece and all these fogeys kept trying to talk to me. One guy wouldn’t go away and I had to give him a wedgie with his speedo.

It was pretty surprising that the bright point of my visit was golfing. Really. I mean, it sucks that people take all this nice land and build a bunch of stupid golf courses on them, but I never realized golf was so fun. First of all, they give you a big blunt object and you get to hit this ball with it. Second, it’s pretty much okay if you hit other people with that ball as long as you call out “fore” before it hits them. At least it’s supposed to be. By the seventh hole, the course staff asked me to leave. I only hit 23 people and I called fore each time! That last caddy totally deserved to get knocked out, too, because he was helping his golfer cheat. And it’s not it’s that hard to get a golf cart out of a lake. Ever heard of a tow truck?

Last night I sat down with a bottle of Jack, some room-service nachos (pretty good!) and some cable and had myself some good quiet time. Of course I’m here today in the Bradenton Airport nursing a bad hangover, but it’s worth it as long as I get the hell out of here.