Category Archives: Quick Hits

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Letters: Maine 2008

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Dear Axes & Alleys,
It has come to my attention that a number of businesses are touting “green” not as an adjective to describe physical appearance, but as an adjective to describe the level to which said product affects the environment. This makes no sense. Plants are green because of chlorophyll. But the environment is made up of more than plants. 70% of the Earth’s surface is blue, and of the remaining 30% only a portion is green. There are white glaciers, brown deserts and mountains and gray rocks. Even many plants are mostly brown, such as the amber, not green, waves of grain. Perhaps the Green Party should change its name to the Gabbgaw Party, since it really represents green, amber, brown, blue, gray and white. This would provide a more honest view of environmental issues. Thus we would not call hybrid gas-electric cars green or say that they are “less green” than solar cars . We would instead say that a solar car was more gabbgaw than a gasoline powered car. We could even go a step further and quantify gabbgaw. I, for one, would love to see a car ad and know that this year’s model features 23% more gabbgaw. It makes sense to me.
Vice President Alfonso “Al” Gore, NL.
Nashville, TN

Dear A&A,
It would be a lot of fun to take a boat ride one day. If I could take a boat ride with any five people living or dead, my choices would be Geoffrey Chaucer, Horatio Nelson, Jesus, Amanda Marble and Moon Unit Zappa.
Tricia McGulley
Harper’s Ferry, WV

To the Editors,
I really don’t understand this religion called Zoroastrianism. Sure, Zorro was an interesting character, I guess, but I don’t think that any amount of swashbuckling swordplay would defeat Angra Mainu and Azhi Dahaka the Dragon King.
Ikpot Thompson
Montreal, Canada

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I once telephoned David Lowery from a pay phone in the South. I can’t divulge how I came across his number, but I didn’t reach him anyway. No, instead I got on the other end of the line his estranged wife. We proceeded to have a six minute conversation about what a jerk he was and also how their apartment had a leaky bath tub. I suggested she use some caulk to fix that up.
Batty Mountbaten
Blimey, NY

A&A,
I was wondering the other day why more people didn’t use the word spangle, except when they talk about the national anthem of the United States of America. Well, it turns out that the national anthem could really use a hyphen. For the longest time I thought it was spangled with something else while the stars were bannering. It’s also kind of redundant. A spangle is a small glittering object. Stars are small glittering objects. They could have just had it be “A Banner” and been done with it.
Clem Hartley
Corso, Portuguese Bavaria

Editors, Axes & Alleys,
Do you think you could make your magazine in the shape of a trapezoid? I think it would be easier to hold.
Jimmy “Five Fingers” Jackson
Pistol Grip, NH

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I really don’t like Sticker Page. Every time I try to cut a sticker out for my own use, I end up ruining yet another laptop screen. I never even get a chance to staple the pages together.
Tom Today
New York, NY

Axes & Alleys,
I have a few suggestions for your magazine. First, I think you should include a section for letters from your readers. Next I think you should report on a big news topic. Maybe something of global import. After that you might want to include a regular report on something technological or scientific. I always like those. A classifieds section would be great so that readers could conduct commerce with one another. Having a page that could be printed out for stickers would be fun for the children and mentally infirm. I would absolutely love a travelogue column and perhaps an advice column written by an historical figure. Various and sundry other articles could be included, too. Ooh! You could even have a front and back cover. I don’t read your magazine, but I thought these would be some pretty awesome suggestions. Let me know.
James Whitmore, Jr.
Sunnydale, CA

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I am writing to complain about your Axes & Alleys brand fluegelhorn valve oil. No one told me it was flammable.
Kerry Absalom
Pinter, WY

Editors,
The Treader Family is deeply disappointed in your discontinuation of the scratch and sniff issue. We recently relocated to the Czech Republic and were enjoying this new way to experience the magazine. The new burn and sniff edition is not a satisfactory replacement.
The Treader Family
Prague, Czech Republic

Dear Axes & Alleys,
When are you going to publish that chicken paprikash
recipe I sent in back in August of 1968?
Wolfgang Puck
Amsterdam, Austria, UK.

Fifty Reasons to Leave H.R. Giger Alone

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1. He asked you politely to do so.
2. The long-bore rifle in his closet.
3. You want to sleep with his daughter.
4. Remember what happened last time?
5. You are not “the same way” he is.
6. There can be only one. You make two.
7. H.R. Giger reengineered death to be more efficient.
8. He’s a figment of your imagination.
9. Like the signs say, “Just don’t screw with H.R. Giger.”
10. H.R. Giger’s made of anti-matter.
11. Ron Popeil and H.R. Giger are bosom-buddies.
12. It’s not a nervous tick. It’s a highly-contagious disease.
13. His business card doubles as a sushi knife. That’s just geeky.
14. Dude brings you coffee in the morning. Why ruin it?
15. That one time H.R. Giger made you a drawing of bunnies and rainbows.
16. That biohazard tattoo on his arm isn’t referring to the band.
17. Your handlers would get suspicious if they knew.
18. He caused an earthquake and no one knows how.
19. H.R. Giger’s the only H.R. Giger you actually know.
20. Only he knows where to get that amazing tequila.
21. 25% of people named H.R. Giger are likely to give you money randomly.
22. He paid me to write this.
23. His birth name was Wilhelmina Hitler.
24. Poll numbers for H.R. Giger are through the roof.
25. If the government says so, you should do it like the good sheep you are.
26. There was the time he lent you his hat when it was cold.
27. He’s not the guy who signs your checks, but he’s the guy who gives your checks to the guy who signs your checks.
28. Remember that sealed court file in Fort Lauderdale?
29. His righteous window herb garden.
30. Remember what happened to Polyphemus?
31. H.R. Giger defeated the I.R.S., image what he could do to you.
32. He’s a vampire.
33. On his time off, he attends furry conventions dressed as a sexy Snoopy.
34. In his house he has forty three hammers and no pillows.
35. Fred already gave you eight dollars to leave H.R. Giger alone.
36. You already stole all his atlases, isn’t enough enough already?
37. Do you really want to get stabbed with a barbeque fork again?
38. The restraining order kind of mandates it.
39. The guards really don’t like it when you tap morse code on the walls with your spoons.
40. Leaving H.R. Giger alone got three stars in the Michelin Guide and two thumbs up from Roger Ebert.
41. Every time you bother H.R. Giger, Zeus throws more lightning bolts.
42. Thom Yorke said Radiohead would play a special concert for you in your bedroom if only you would leave H.R. Giger alone.
43. H.R. Giger’s wife is tired of cleaning up after you.
44. Because Grover sang “Be is for you can bemoan, L is for leave H.R. Giger alone.”
45. The Cray supercomputer has computed that leaving H.R. Giger alone would be advisable to eight hundred and nine decimal places.
46. Leaving H.R. Giger alone will help you avoid that pesky Gypsy curse.
47. What would Jesus do? Yep, Jesus would leave H.R. Giger alone.
48. Leaving H.R. Giger alone would get you two free stamps on your Subway Club card.
49. H.R. Giger is just so, so tired.
50. Leaving H.R. Giger alone would give you more time to pester Andrew Cotton.