Dear Sirs,
My cell phone company claims to offer me “unlimited calls” each month. However, it takes me at least two seconds to pull up or dial a number, and often two or three seconds more for the signal to go through. Factor in half a second of actual call time, plus another half second to hang up and you get roughly a six second minimum per call. If I did nothing but this, I could make no more than four hundred and thirty two thousand calls in a month. That’s hardly unlimited, is it? And, if I wanted to sleep, go to work, or actually talk to the people I called I doubt I could top even fifty thousand calls a month. Who are they trying to fool with this so called “unlimited” plan? Only God can make truly unlimited calls and to say otherwise is an abomination unto the Lord.
Good day,
Milo T. Huckenfoll
Grasping, WV

To Axes & Alleys,
I have noticed that Jodie Applegate of Good Day New York is a rather attractive woman and that Weather Authority Mike Woods is a rather attractive man. Together, they would produce some beautiful children. Could you please help me with my Fox 5 eugenics program? I would also like to see Linda Lopez and Ron Corning get together.
Melissa Foch
Staten Island, NY

Dear A&A,
If I could have one thing in the world, it would be a cornea that wasn’t all scratched up by sandpaper. If I could have two things in the world, it would be to have two corneas that weren’t all scratched up by sandpaper.
Yours,
John Chesterford-Bradley
Boston, MA

Editors,
I am incensed by the decline in the quality of your publication. Why, the current issue just seems rushed. Almost as if you had other things to do. I would prefer next time that you simply leave the pages blank and let me guess what might’ve gone there.
In distress,
Mary Bluepoint
Selden, NY

Axes & Allleys,
Yes, I’m sorry I spelled your name with three “l.”
Bets!
Penny Grumlin
Grumlin, OH

Dear Axes & Alleys,
The advertisement for Happy Goat Brand goat hangars is utterly distasteful. I don’t appreciate your use of a dead and decapitated goat’s head. In fact, it made me vomit while reading it. Next time please use a live decapitated goat’s head, instead. They have tubes and pumps for that sort of thing these days.
Shimmy Lanhorne
Oak Bridge, WY

Hey Guys,
I’ve been trying to figure out where your magazine fits into the grand scheme. Are you post-Dadaist? Para-dimensional? Pre-Modern? Anti-Futurological? Another hyphenated term? I just can’t seem to place you.
Marisol McWhorter
Puerto Rico, America

To the Editors,
I am deeply upset by your sticker from this month’s issue (Sticker Page, Volume 456-BR8, Issue 08). The yellow pentagon claiming “My Other Personality is Hot” values people only as objects of intellectual desire. Is that all we are, minds? There is such a great variety of bodies out there and yet your sticker slights them by its very existence. How dare you!
P.B. Ribbon
Milwaukee, WI

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I don’t like that you haven’t featured Matisyahu in your pages yet. Not only is he a novelty act, but he makes really good music, too. I’ve never liked Reggae before in my life, but his God-centered stylings make me yearn for the Lord. Why can’t you put him in your pages?
Best,
Stone Gossard
Olympia, WA

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Please tell me the history of popcorn. I want to know!
Love,
Tina Von Diesehn
Wurtemburg, Nebraska