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Ask Montezuma: February 2005

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Advice from Beyond the Grave

Montezuma
Montezuma is creator of the famous “Ballad of the Green Berets.” He enjoys salads.

Dear Montezuma,

I use socks often. Sometimes in the shower, but mostly to store foodstuffs in the kitchen and to strain used lubricating oil for recycling. Over the years, many people have poked fun at me for this, but I can tell you that a better strainer is hard to find (perhaps cheese cloth). At any rate, I was wondering if you could recommend a better strainer.

Sincere In No Nasty Ethos Really

Dear SIGNED,

Far too often we place our clothing and accoutrements in mere arbitrary sets, without the necessary thought that each piece of clothing is in itself as unique as any of the varied life forms which dwell on even the most unimpressive of vacant lots. Beetles, which crawl about on tiny legs beneath the towering blades of grass are like the yellow striped tube socks most popular in the 1980s. Those that alight through the air; the avian sparrows, crows and stoat wobblers, who feed upon the beetles, are far more similar to that fancy sort of socks with attached garters. And those beneath the dirt? The horrid eye-less cillanders who consume the very dirt in which they dwell? Everyone knows what sort of socks they resemble, I need not even reiterate it here.

Lovely Montezuma,

The other day I got home from work and put my bike up in its rack by the DVD player. The bike fell over and the chain was dismounted from the gears. I was going to ask how to fix that, but I figured it out right after I wrote the word “home” above. I was also going to ask how to remove grease from the chain which has gotten onto my fingers, but as I wrote, I realized the more important question was how to remove grease from my computer.

Bertha I. Kensington

BIK,

The removal of grease from a computational engine can be a tricky endeavor. It is good that you consulted a known wise-person. Back in Tenochtitlan, we had a old saying “Respect your elders.” Those guys who hung around the Chichan Itza had a slightly different way of putting it “Don’t respect people who are younger than you.” If you took these aphorisms to heart you would know that you should have consulted the book Itzacoatl: Ruler of Answers! (Out of Print). Before my good friend Itzacoatl retired from writing this humble column, turning it over to me, he answered the question of how to remove safflower oil from an electric typewriter. The principle is the same.

Dear Ann Landers,

I read in the newspaper the other day that you are dead. Is this true? If so, can you tell me what the after life is like? If this is not true, could you tell me how to get my cheating husband in line?

Blanche Owens Jobs

Dear BLOW JOBS,

I would invite you to consider the Continent of Australia and how much bigger it is than Nova Scotia. Compare maps of the two regions. Notice that Australia is larger and dwell upon this as you do the laundry, take the dog or ferret for a saunter, gargle or mow your lawn. Nova Scotia is indeed small and unimpressive.

Dear Montezuma,

The other day I received an irate phone call from “the other man.” He was very irate. His demeanor made me think he was quite perturbed, even irate. I’m not sure how to deal with someone so irate. Should I simply shrug off the irate attitude? How about confronting him about his irate lack of vocabulary? There are, indeed, only so many irate profanities one can express. Oh, also, how do I get a $5 donation at the door of a bar party as a tax writeoff?

Edward Rise Burrows

Dear Mr. Burrows,

In order to take any donation off of your taxes you must first get a receipt for said donation. Receipts can be obtained simply through a request to the Charitable Donation Department of the US Rooms and Regulations Commission’s Office of Special Sundry Expense Parameter Guideline Over-site Committee Intramural Field Hockey Team Logo Design. Simply go down to your local Post Office and pick up a copy of Form 1298-009 (EZ) and, after filling it out and placing it in the attached envelope, affix a proper stamp and drop it in the mail box. Within six to eight weeks you should receive a reply giving you further instructions on how to obtain a receipt for your donation. And by the way, I was not being “irate,” merely forceful in my convictions.

Montezuma,

Why can’t I hit the bullseye when it really counts?

Phil Taylor

Dear Mr. Phillip,

Perhaps you should stop trying to hit the bullseye when it really counts. Perhaps instead you should try to make it really count when you do happen to hit the bullseye.

Dear Mr. Zuma,

I once heard tell that Archibald Butt never married, but was on a trip to Europe with his friend Mr. Millet before he died on the Titanic. Was Archibald Butt gay?

Mortimer Ignatius Lloyd Lawrence Easley Thompson

Dear MILLER,

Yes, yes, I have heard this accusation leveled several times at the renowned Major. So quick are some to apply intrigue and hidden secrets, soap-opera shenanigans and indecent indiscretions to the Giants of Old. The only reason this is done is because these sad individuals believe history to be a boring subject. This could not be further placed from the purest truth. Just as math is more than plusses and minuses, history is far more than dates and figures. History is a living non-fiction which dwells about us like a friendly ghost. Each time we see an upturned stone, peer into the barrel of a cannonade, or take in the still splendor of our neighborhood castle ruins we walk through the force of history; a barrel-chested, mustachioed force that lives with us and dines with us and waters the petunias if we forget about it.

Montezuma Answers Questions

How to Do It

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with regular commentator
Lemuel lebratt
By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg

THE DOG BIRTHDAY PARTY

Dog Birthday 1

Marcia Spatzelberg
Marcia Spatzelberg is author of several books including Feline Soiree and Wine, Cheese and Cattle: Your Guide to a Bovine Get-together.

So your dog is turning 10 years old (we’re not going to go into dog years versus human years here) and you’d like to throw him a special birthday bash for all that wagging loyalty given to you by your pup over the years. Maybe it’s just a special thank-you for not vomiting behind the couch for the last year or not mauling your slippers. In this article you will find everything you need to make the perfect doggie birthday party.

Once you’ve set the day, you must make preparations. Dogs cannot read, obviously, but their owners can. When inviting Rover’s little friends over, you should pick up a container of dried pig’s ears and write the party information on them in non-toxic ink (or imitation smoke flavoring). Your best friend’s best friends will take the chewy pig’s ear home, where their owners will see the party information. Expect not to see a few canine friends. Some dogs are hungrier than others.

While you’re thinking of invitations, remember that your dog and his friends will certainly enjoy a surprise. Pet stores often carry large white rats for consumption by pet snakes. It’s a poorly-known fact that felines also enjoy the taste of rodent. So pick one up and write the party information on it in non-toxic ink (no imitation smoke flavor). Cats can read, so make it look like a cat birthday party. Make the time about an hour after the party actually starts. Your surprise for the pups will be just as surprised as they are.

Dog Cake

Dogs are quite easy to please, so don’t worry too much about the hors d’oeuvres. A dog-food cake is quite simple to make. Take a can of dog food, put the contents on a plate and decorate with bacon strips and kibble. You can also flatten the dog food and put more on top of it to make a layer cake.

It’s a party and dogs are going to want more than just water to drink. If you take a bottle of store-brand soda and put a half can of dog food in it and let it sit for a week, you’ll almost have the perfect doggie birthday beverage. Don’t forget to strain the food bits out before serving.

The dogs might also like snacks and here’s your chance to put the ultimate coat shine into your guests. Take a rawhide stick and roll it in egg-yolk. Then crumble some dog biscuits in a bowl and coat the rawhide stick in the crumbs. Preheat the oven to 350 and let bake for 12 minutes. These are perhaps the biggest hits of the season for doggie birthdays.

Dogs Like Cake

Your dogs will need some entertainment, too. Your cat friend should be arriving just about now. When the doorbell rings, make all the dogs hide in the closet and invite cat in for the party. When the door is shut, open up the closet. This should entertain your pack of partygoers for at least ten minutes. If you’re up for it, you might want to invite two or even three cats over at half-hour intervals.

Once the cat fun has been exhausted, you might want to let the canine companions play pin the tail on the dog. Hopefully you remembered to invite over a boxer or Doberman pinscher. Get a length of fabric or an actual dog tail from a veterinarian. Put nose plugs on the first player and give him the fabric or tail. He should now try to pin the tail on the dog. If any fighting occurs, provide more rawhide sticks.

Dogs don’t respond to television very much, so you might want to forgo the usual party movie afforded at the birthdays of human children. Your canine child and his friends will probably enjoy the neighborhood bitch in heat more, just don’t let them get too close. You don’t have enough rawhide sticks to break up that fight! (You can also invite the bitch over later in the day after the party as a special treat for Rover.)

Drunk Dog

If you want to have some great fun, before the dogs leave, give them all a hit from the helium balloons. They’ll all feel like puppies again. Send them on their way with some noisemakers and people masks. They’ll have a lot of fun being “human” on the way home.
When all the guests have left, make sure to give Rover a special something for his birthday. His very own toilet to drink from or a “Because I Can Reach There” doggie shirt are two common presents. If you’re trying to be original, perhaps you can get a doggie bed for him with his favorite garbage smell on it. Personalized pooper-scoopers and crap baggies are all the rage this year.

These are the main ingredients for a successful doggie birthday bash. You may also include a card game for the party, but keep in mind that only herding and fighting dogs really enjoy cards. (Reference C.M. Coolidge to get the details straight.) Other than that, just use common sense and keep your wits about you. Being the host can be trying, but remember: Have fun!

Simple Concepts Made Known

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Our Guide to Understanding Things Everyone Should Already Know

Fire is when burning happens.

You can find alcohol in bars.

Video games are so called because they involve looking.

North, south, east and west are four directions.

Although “chip” and “ship” may sound alike, these words describe widely different concepts.

Signs indicate things.

Lettuce is really just leaves. Really.

Mountains are tall. Valleys are tall the other way.

Candles are not cans with handles.

Ink is the means by which a man may turn a collection of papers into literature.

Just as Sir Edmund Hillary has stated, Mount Everest is there.

Red is one of the colors.

Wake Island is surrounded entirely by water. Except on top.

Homework may be completed almost anywhere.

Mirrors should be made with a reflective surface.

A car’s horn serves a different function than that of a rhinoceros.

Shirts come in a variety of styles.

Flying Men

Ask Montezuma: January 2005

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Advice from Old Mexico

Montezuma is a glorious king whose glory shines
down upon all through the ageless bounds of eternity.
Fried chicken is his favorite food.

Dear Montezuma,
I recently borrowed someone else’s rhubarb. I used it in a wonderful pie, which I am consuming at this moment, but I feel a bit disaffected now. You see, I already have my own rhubarb and I’m afraid it will feel neglected should it discover that I used another rhubarb whose provenance was not from my own rhubarb. Rhubarb is a temperamental root vegetable and I don’t quite know how I might deal with its outbursts should it discover my scurrilous usage of rhubarb not my own. I was thinking, perhaps, of covering up the obvious foreign rhubarb with a small coconut I have waiting on the window sill. How do you think I might appease my forlorn ground-inhabiting edible plant?
Regards,
Denny Palmer, Age 27

Denny, Denny, Denny, Denny, Denny,
Reviewing your letter brought back so many memories of my studies at one of the United Kingdom’s lesser-known colleges (I’m sorry to say that I am not an Eton man). My second year Garden Psychology course was one of my favourite little expositions of knowledge. I greeted each day with an overarching eagerness to get to Garden Psychology and learn all about the feelings and complexities of the carrot, the sexual dysfunctions of herbs such as basil, the obsessive disorders of legumes and the deep and dark psychological pathologies of root vegetables, so akin to their growing places in the black, moist soil. Indubitably whatever Garden Psychology course was offered at your secondary educational facility was ineffective. This writer has a slithering guess that your secondary education may not even have included a Garden Psychology course (I would ask for my money back). Possibly you were absent or not paying attention on the day that the emotional makeup of the rhubarb was covered by your instructor. In some cases, rhubarb can be poisonous if not treated properly because it is a quite delicate and serene member of the plant kingdom and it is frequently noted by other vegetables for its steadfastness and unfickletude. To make sure I am not recalling this improperly, I checked my Vegemotional Psychometry Manual III. You should take a gander at your no-doubt dusty copy of this fine tome. It clearly states on page 433, under the general characteristics of rhubarb, that this vegetable is quite calm and collected, even under pressure. Your classification of rhubarb as a root vegetable will be discussed in a future column. Perhaps you have it confused with rutabaga, likely another manifestation of the poor education you received early on.

To our fine friend Montezuma,
We here at the Cal-Dap thumbtack and light emitting diode plant and merchandising center are huge fans of your column. We read it every month and keep clippings up on the break-room refrigerator. We discuss it over coffee and on the assembly line for thumbtacks (doing this on the LED assembly line would be too dangerous and we don’t speak there). Larry “Hambone Runner” Logan on machine #5 almost has every letter from your fifth book memorized and likes to repeat them during union meetings and at management meetings during dull moments (of which there are many!). Joe “Gristle” Sanderson, the vice-president of sales, likes to record himself reading the columns and play them in his office when he thinks no one is listening. We’ve had a few problems recently because our town is small and the plant is really the only source of employment for most citizens. We’re citizen-workers, important to the defense of this great land. That’s why I was going to write to you. You see, we don’t have enough copies of Axes & Alleys to go around here in Lothariana. We’ve spoken to the distributors many times, but they refuse to send more copies. There are about 13 copies for every 58 residents. We sometimes find it hard to share copies with one another. Do you have any advice to give us?
Yours Truly,
Ernie “Lambchop” Jones
Cal-Dap Tackfitters Local 133
Lothariana, FA

Dear Lambchop,
I am very concerned after the receipt of the above letter. You may be unaware, but you are infringing upon several intellectual properties which belong to me. To avoid any further action, please send me accountings for the following royalties I may be owed:

1. number of times a clipped article has been viewed
2. number of times Hambone Runner has repeated my articles
3. number of times Joe Sanderson’s recordings have been played
4. number of times a copy of Axes & Alleys has been shared
5. number of times Joe Sanderson has been referred to as “Gristle”

The above are all rights reserved by my person and I am owed monies for each. As such, an independent auditor will arrive in Lothariana after receipt of your numbers. By my rough calculations, the township owes me close to $1.2 million dollars. Copies of this response have been sent to the Cal-Dap management as well as Lothariana’s City Council. Please see that further infractions do not occur. I am most disturbed by the unauthorized use of my trademarked phrase “Gristle.” This use must cease immediately!

Dearest Montezuma,
Is there really nowhere to go from here but up?
Confused On Relevant News

Dear CORN,
Looking at the postmark from your letter and the penmanship in your letter, I am positively convinced that you are likely to continue in a downward spiral of irrelevancy and doubt. Were that I could remember how to tie a noose for you.

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Our Special Guide to Surviving Adversity

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Camping, hiking and exploration are fun and exciting diversions. But it’s best to be safe when you’re out in the great untamed wilderness. So, we now present a guide for survival. Keep this on your person if you venture from the enveloping warmth of your home and you’ll always be safe, secure and alive, even in the worst situations. Have fun out there in the wild with all those trees and squirrels and junk.

If you have a magnet, a piece of cork and a needle, all you need to do is make thread from a nearby plant, so you can sew the magnet to the piece of cork.

It’s easy to get despaired when you’re lost. A good way to pick yourself up is to use the skulls from animals you kill to perform cheery puppet shows.

If you’re ever lost in the Alps during a bitterly cold winter, make sure you have a number of different items that will interest future archaeologists. Make sure to include items of a cultural nature.

Getting lost in Antarctica can be hard sometimes. Don’t waste time trying to find a polar bear you can disembowel to shelter in its body cavity. Polar bears only live in the North Pole.

Make sure you learn how to say “Can you help me?” in Chinese. As there are 1.2 billion Chinese, odds are that one out four people you come across will be Chinese.

If you lose your way when traveling through the Mystic Caves of Aar’ushbak, try and find the Talisman of Gindor. If you utter the sacred chants it will cast forth a guiding light and show you the way to safety.

Long hours of tedius boredom can result from being lost in an unfamiliar enviornment while waiting for rescue. For entertainment, try looking at things.

Snowstorms can result in a phenomenon called “White Out” which makes it very difficult to see your surroundings. So don’t forget to bring your glasses or bi-focals.

If you’re lost, there’s an easy way to tell where you are. Look in the sink as the water drains out. Does it go clockwise? You’re in the Northern Hemisphere!

Dehydration is a major problem in the desert. Make sure you drink lots of water. If you can’t find water, remember clouds are made of water!

For thousands of years, sailors have used the stars to navigate. You can too. Look up into the sky. Do you see a comet? Remember, the comet’s tail always points away from the Sun. Also, comets may herald the coming of a new king.

If you ever need to make a fire, try to find a thunderstorm and use the lightning.

If you lose your way in the forest, a tree will tell you which way to go; remember that bark only grows on the outside of trees.

Do you see waves crashing on the shore? You’re probably near an ocean.

An easy way to ensure that you never get lost is to always carry a map with you. The easiest way to do this is to carry around a miniature globe pencil sharpener that you can use as a keychain.

If you find yourself naked in the forest, remember that swans make wonderful dresses.

You can always use the Sun to find out where you are. Do you see the Sun? Good, you’re 93 million miles away from it.

If you’re hungry, there are many edible plants in the forest. The way you can tell if it’s edible is to see whether it fits in your mouth.

If you’re ever lost at sea, remember that salt water is non-potable. Next time try to get lost on a lake.