It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

Montezuma once spackled an entire wall
using only toothpaste. His favorite atomic
element is Neon but he also loves learning
about voles and foxes.

Dear Montezuma,
Is it possible for a ray of light to go into orbit around a black hole?
Stan Foley
Boron Park, FL

Stan Foley of Boron Park, Florida. Stan Foley…Stan Foley. Where have I heard that name? Ah, yes, in the letter I just received from you, of course. It was actually on the outside, too, written in the correct spot for the return address. Excellent work in that regard Stan Foley, excellent work. Keep it up.

Montezuma,
It’s difficult for me to take cookies with me wherever I go so I can have them whenever I want them. I’m an important person on the go, you know? Is there some way I could take this cumbersome food along with me on trips, while jogging, or perhaps even on the train?
Peter Oregon
Cape Town, South Africa

Mr. Oregon, I wonder how much of a person on the go you truly are. In my plush leather chair here in my study I sit pondering if perhaps it’s only your arms that are this “on the go.” Perhaps they move on ahead of you just a little too quickly, floating there in the grocery store aisle waving ineffectively at the cookies while they wait for the rest of your body to catch up. Or, even better, what if it is your nose that speeds on ahead of your face, saving up the smells along the way for you to savour when you finally reach it. Your life must be incredibly interesting my friend.

Dear Montezuma,
I just entered the modern era with the purchase of a cellular telephone after years of deriding the devices as vainglorious and superfluous. The tipping point was when I realized all the women I was trying to meet had cellular telephones and expected me to as well. On top of that it would come in handy from time to time when trying to plan dinner with the person who shares my flat. He has known me for years and consequently made fun of me. Should I have murdered him in his sleep through the clever use of fire-escape-trained green anoles, or should I continue to poison him slowly with my arsenic-laden s’mores?
Steve Crowsfeet
Ozone Park, NY

Technology, Steve, has forever been central to the attainment of one’s reproductive and pleasurable goals. For instance, Dubner Mulcahy created the avocado slicing catapult system merely to impress the future Mrs. Mulcahy, whose bosoms were ample and seductive. Fire, it is presumed, was originally brought into the cave rather than left outside in order for male humans to become titillated by the sight of their fellow cavewomen. This may have prompted the arms race of masquerade and obfuscation that is the subtle and not-so-subtle plays of appearance the female of the species has engaged in for millennia.

Hey Monty,
My girlfriend and I recently broke up after several years of dating. In fact, I arrived home just the other day to find a box of my stuff waiting for me at my apartment with a bit of an unfriendly note contained within letting me know she would not be speaking to or seeing me. After contemplating whether or not to respond, I did so by email, though I did know there was no way by this point to disabuse her of some strange notions. In fact, I received an electronic mails reply back with some more strange notions and one which was even silly. Again the missive closed with the notice that she did not want to see or talk to me. Now, the crux of the matter is that she frequents the Irish pub at which I prefer to engage in the game of darts and have done so for the better part of the last decade. Obviously the injunction against seeing her (which I must respect) precludes me from going to said pub because I might see her. What should I do?
Joshua Marigolden
Hollis, NY

Joshua, she doesn’t own the pub. Go, make merry, and should you run into her, pretend to be a visiting Canadian of the same name and personality.

Montezuma,
Why does it seem that only retarded, college-age boys who don’t know how to shave are into banjo music? The same goes for that mandolin. Seems like just a bunch of overwrought hogwash to me.
Simon Pepperidge
Burlington, Province #1

Because that is who is into such music Simon, that’s who’s into such music.

Opening cans of tuna fish (in water or oil) is one of the most dangerous and difficult operations in the home. Lost limbs are the hallmark of the seasoned and foolhardy tuna fish can openers. When opening the can, make sure to place it firmly on a surface such as a counter or table. Never try to open a can of tuna fish with the bottom placed against a wall or person! Next, you’ll want to make sure you have a can opener handy. The rotary can opener has been the standard for nearly a century. If you are left-handed, do not use a right-handed can opener. You risk death or worse! Once in hand, place the wheels of the can opener around the rim of the can and bring the handles together. Make sure your fingers are not in between the handles. Hold the can firmly with one hand while twisting the knob with the other. Do not stop until you have completely cut around the metal top of the can. Remove the opener, remove the lid, and enjoy tasty tuna fish.

It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

Montezuma is a village in Mercer County,
Ohio, United States. The population was
191 at the 2000 census.

Dear Montezuma,
I’m confused. My mother and I went out to the local bar to pick up some guys. She ordered a Cape Cod from the bar tender and got what looked like a vodka and cranberry juice. When I asked her what was in it, she said vodka and cranberry juice. Why call it a Cape Cod?
Tresa Green
Westbury, UK

TG, you certainly are confused. Young women are not supposed to go out with their mothers to pick up some guys. Humans are, for the most part, a monogamous species. You should each have been going out to pick up a guy.

Montezuma,
I am absolutely, personally rabid about the use of the words luck and miracle. While both are used idiomatically throughout the English language, I particularly despise the English language, preferring to converse in Esperanto. I’m trying to rid my vocabulary of the former, but since I am a skeptic of some note, I of course must use miracle quite often. Is there some way I could avoid this?
Phil Plait
Rhonert Park, CA

Oh dear Philly, I have also encountered this problem. I have used the word luck in print on no fewer than three occasions. What a travesty! A close friend, a neurosurgeon, suggested an experimental method by which the exact location of the word luck in the brain was located and destroyed, however many of the test subjects have subsequently been unable to recall the words for inconsequential, love, and have subsequently lost their sense of humor. Being a funny person myself, I certainly did not wish to subject myself to such a procedure. The easiest method I have discovered is to endeavor to speak less.

Dear Montezuma,
I have trouble remembering how to spell collannder. Can you help?
Maria Debarkes
New York, NY

c-a-u-l-i-f-l-o-w-e-r

Hiya Moctezuma,
(See, I used Moctezuma because I know my Azteca.) I have only three days to live. Should I count those days from sunrise to sunrise, or from civil twilight to civil twilight?
Kris Kristofferson.
Nashville, TN

It’s wonderful to receive celebrity requests for advice, Kris. I’d like to take this opportunity to agree with you in your activism against chaining pregnant women to heavy objects and throwing them in the water to drown, as depicted in your recent song “In The News.” It takes an incredibly brave man to stand up and speak out against the obvious evils in the world. Chains should never be wasted in such a fashion.

Dear Montezuma,
I’ve been a platinum blonde for many years now, but I’m thinking of a change. Do you think red hair would look good on me? If so, would it enhance my journalism to have red hair and a lighter shade of lipstick?
Xeni Jardin
The Internet

Xeni, Xeni, Xeni, hair color has much more effect on climate change, so I would consider it from this perspective. You see, your current do is light, and hence more reflective across the electromagnetic spectrum, especially visible and infrared light. Darker hair will absorb more light, making sure that such energy stays within the ecosphere of the planet Earth. Scientists call the Pillatory-Refraction-Reflection Proportion, designated by the Hebrew letter Shin. For instance, average platinum blonde hair has a PRRP of Shin 2. Red hair, by contrast, has a PRRP of Shin 1.7. Please, help the planet and your fellows out by retaining the platinum blonde look.

Dear Montezuma,
I’m in sixth grade and in math class I always get the multiplicand mixed up with George Washington. Do you have a handy way for me to remember which is which?
Betty Bonaparte
Bellesville, LA

BB, I didn’t tell you this, but you can write on the palm of your hand that George Washington is not a multiplicand. When your teacher isn’t looking, take a quick peek at your hand to make sure you know what’s what. But, of course, if you get caught, I’ll deny everything when they try to give me detention.

Montezuma,
What kind of manifold would I need for a series 3 Leviathan mulch driver?
Calumny Percopints
Santa Rosa, CA

A tractor manifold would be best.

Monty,
Dude, I don’t get it. Why do they call it Miller Genuine Draft when it comes in a bottle? Isn’t draft beer supposed to come out of a spigot or something?
Rebecca Miller
New York, NY

Becky, there is so much pressure in each bottle of Miller Genuine Draft (over 800 psi), that when opening the bottle a noticeable draft can be detected. Never forget that often words can have several meanings.

Dear Montezuma,
When Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. references the Lima Turkey-Trot, what is he talking about?
Thomas Kuhn
Cambridge, MA

The Lima Turkey-Trot was a dance developed by H. Roman Lipinski in Cincinnati, OH. It built cumulatively on the Dragon Run, Pensacola Possum Pouch, Clamtastidance, and Chattanooga Whore Hustle. Some prominent features included an extended, arms akimbo twirling, a third degree semi-goose step, and a complicated buttocks bob-nasal flange maneuver. The Lima Turkey-Trot fell out of popularity around 1959, when it was replaced by the Goiter Throb and related dances.

Dear Montezuma,
I have two coins in my hand that add up to 11 cents. One is not a dime.
Vinnie Magic
Jorgensen, NJ

That’s nice, Vinnie.

How to Make Your Own Stained Glass Decorations

Stained glass windows can be found in religious settings such as churches where the light of the sun illuminates figures and designs, bringing to life stories of a religious nature; such as the lives of the saints. St. Christopher is one saint and I recall, from my middle age, a fellow named Danbury who had a St. Christopher statue on the dashboard of his 1934 Desoto Airflow. The last Desoto came off the assembly line in 1961. Automobile assembly lines are often filthy with grease and other materials. Why not rub a quart of grease onto your windows thrice daily? Within a week they should be badly stained.

It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

Aztec Emperor Montezuma is a member
of the Emperor Hall of Fame in Scranton.
While he has, in the past, claimed his
favorite soup was borscht, he has since
changed it to chicken with stars.

Dear Montezuma,
Has anyone ever been the victim of apathy?
Bertrand Russell
Purgatory, The After Life

Bertie, a recent study of global mortality rates over the last 4000 years has found the mortality rate due to apathy quite steady at “0 per 1000 people.” Even more staggering are the numbers when you expand the sample size, because at 1,000,000 the rate remains at 0. Comparatively, the mortality rate due to caring is a disastrous “a lot per 1000. (ibid.).”

Hi Montezuma,
I am scared. You see, because of the recent outbreak of viral Yacht Rot, which has already destroyed over 300 yachts, I’m worried about my yacht The Nothing But The Truth So Help Me God. She’s a fine boat and I’d like to make sure she doesn’t succumb to this nasty virus. Any tips or tricks?
David Sanders Muttonmere IV
Kennebunkport, ME

Tricks you say, DSMIV? I am astounded that someone could send such slanderous invective through the mails. I’ll have you know that never once have I resorted to trickery. Certainly there were accusations brought up in the civil suit a few years back, but under the conditions of the settlement of that case (which included this magazine allowing me to publish my column) I cannot speak more on the subject. Now, perhaps I’ve been hasty in judging your letter. You seem like a nice-enough fellow, so perhaps you simply heard this bit of drivel from another person. Please send their name and the time and location where they told you this to me, as well as a copy to the editors of this publication.

Dear Montezuma,
Which is better: hooded sweatshirts or unhooded sweatshirts?
P. Esther Clemens
Labia County, Dry Michigan

Esther, it would behove you to take a peek at an English grammar book or two. You see, when you are referring to something in the plural, the proper being verb would be “are” in this instance. I find this all the more puzzling due to your proper usage of the colon. The colon is a lovely punctuation mark suitable for denoting a list of things, separating a book’s title from its sub-title, or making a formula work across several cells in Excel. Much better than that bastard semi-colon, if you ask me.

Montezuma,
In The Epoxies song “Molded Plastic,” lead singer Roxy Epoxie says that she is, among other things, made of molded plastic, that her eyes are “blue electric,” and that her circuits are “unwired.” Is Roxy Epoxie a robot?
Andy Woggin
Mispelled, OT

Roxy Epoxie is definitely not a robot and I am terribly vexed by the continued queries regarding the robotic status of female rock musicians. In any case, this sounds less like a racialist letter full of bigotry and more like a misunderstanding of the concept of metaphor. Many lyricists employ metaphor in order to make a point. So do poets. For instance, in Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn” the urn is really a stand-in for sausages, with which Keats’ was obsessed. “What little town by river or sea-shore, Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel, Is emptied of its folk, this pious morn?” You see, sausages are rivers or sea-shores of meat stuffed into citadels of intestines or artificial sausage skins, which are then emptied of their meaty townsfolk by the person consuming the sausage. Keats very much loved sausages. In fact, that love of sausages likely led to his early death from heart disease.

Dear Montezuma,
My friend Kitty Parker likes to eat caterpillars. She’s always asking me if I would like one and I usually say no. Caterpillars are cuter than cows, calves, and other mammals people eat, so why should I eat them?
Leroy Vinnegar
Blister-Exists, NY

Cute you say? Have you ever peered at microscopic photo slides of the creatures? They’re astoundingly hideous! Enough to give me nightmares. Great, gnashing, clipping mandibles to rend your flesh. Corpulent body segments eager to lay upon and flatten you. Sickly-glistening protuberances emerging from all portions of the body. And all accompanied by those tiny, beady, multi-faceted eyes. Also they make silk like spiders. No, my friend Leroy, consume them lest ye be consumed first. (Do not consume spiders though. When you see them they’re usually just trying to say hello. Wave back kindly and with enthusiasm.)

Dear Montezuma,
I’ve been in love with Millenarianism for quite some time. I truly enjoy the whole concept of the coming Apocalypse and the possibility of living through it to enjoy the fruits of the Post-Apocalypse. When you consider it, if you’re a canned tuna lover, there will be plenty free for the taking. Anyway, I also like the imagery inherent in Millenarianism. So,, to get to the point, since I love Millenarianism so much how would I go about proposing marriage to it?
Danielo Cabrisi
Conclave, MV

Proposing to Millenarianism is difficult, not least because it has been rejecting such offers for nearly 2000 years. Cobbler Johnson of Derbyshire came closest in 1577, but after thinking it over for two weeks, Millenarianism declined the offer. You might try something romantic like sky-writing or doing it at a major league spearball game.

Dear Montezuma,
I am terribly crabby all the time and often this seems to bother people. I think this results from my lifelong dedication of curing people of their delusions. A lot of people don’t react well to a dour old man telling them they’re being foolish. Is there a way for me to fix this?
James Randi
Fort Lauderdale, FL

Hey there Amazing! I’ve always wanted to receive a letter from you, but I’ll leave the gushing of a fan for a private return letter (hope you enjoy the photographs). Have you attempted to smile? In all of your numerous television appearances you never seem to crack a smile and, in fact, appear quite combative. Slapping a smile on that handsome mug of yours might put people off of getting angry about things. It would certainly cure the dour adjective.

Most people enjoy collecting bottles. A recent survey of North America and Europe found that 67% of adults and 22% of children enjoyed collecting bottles, while 12% and 40%, respectively, found collecting bottles to be mildly entertaining. One problem with collecting bottles is storage. Bottles do take up a lot of space. You can save a lot of space by removing the labels from the bottles. Simply soak the bottles in warm, soapy water for an hour or two, then scrape off the remaining bits of label with the edge of a trowel. This will save you 1/100th of an inch or so of diameter for each bottle, allowing for easier storage.