Answers from a Dead Aztec

Each month Montezuma, world famous dead Aztec ruler, gives out free information to those who request it. Recently, he was featured on the hit Fox reality show Dakota’s Bester.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a lonely forty three year old bachelor who lives with my mother. It is really depressing because I have no friends. My only “friends” are Babylon 5 characters that I think of as friends and who I talk to and eat lunch with sometimes (I put their pictures at the table while I eat and pretend to converse with them). Yes, I have no real friends. I can’t seem to make any friends either. I’ve tried all sorts of ways to make friends; tin, molded plastic, even Radio Shack kits, but I can never make any friends, even when I weld. What should I do? Oren B. Watson
F. B. I. (Female Breast Inspector, ha ha ha)

Oren,
I don’t really like you Oren B. Watson. There is something truly malignant in your quest for “friends.” I find it very selfish and greedy. Have you considered the great many persons across this blighted plane we call home who do not have friends? Well? Have you considered this? Here’s Oren B. Watson and his Big Ol’ Shopping Bag of Greed. Oren B. Watson, the pustule man who came and took the friends away. Children and goats will become immobile with loathing at your farthest approach. Great cold winds will sweep the continents because here comes Oren B. Watson, the Robber Barron of the friend market. Take a moment from your avaricious quest to dominate others and contemplate the needs of others. For once in your life.

Dear Montezuma,
My garden is continually out of dirt. Every time I go out to inspect it, the dirt has run out again and there’s nothing but gasping plants. How much dirt should a garden eat on a normal basis? My garden seems to go through dirt at an alarming rate. Is there some sort of dirt dispenser that automatically replaces the dirt my plants eat on a daily basis? I’m getting tired of all this dirt.
Steven J. Phrie

Steven,
You might want to try looking at the sole of a shoe some time. In fact, look at the sole of several different shoes. You’ll notice many fine patterns. Some have diamond shapes, some little tablet looking protrusions, some even have metal bits in them. Put a pair on and walk through a puddle. Then track dirty water across your floor and let it dry. Then you can take a nice steady look at the sole pattern of the shoe. Butcher paper can be purchased in many general stores. Get some and use a pencil to create a rubbing of the sole. Use it as a decorative wall hanging. Seems like a good idea for an afternoon, no?

Dear Montezuma,
What is the deal with rice?
Condi Rice,
US Secretary of State

Thank you Condi!
I’ve simply been waiting for ages to hear someone (or in this case read someone) ask that question. Rice is a staple crop in many countries located around Eastern and South Eastern Asialand. I know your specialty is Eastern Europe and Russia, so perhaps you were unaware of many of the wonderful properties of rice. Firstly, it’s a really great material for throwing. Secondly, it’s great for sticking to the edge of pots. I also, personally (as a person) like to glue it to things and color the bits in with crayon. I’ve won a couple of Second Place and Honorable Mention prizes doing such things. Perhaps the deal with rice is that it’s a happy grain. If you ever strike up a conversation with rice, you’ll notice this fact immediately. Always a kind word with rice. Always a tasteful joke. Once some rice bought me a pair of pants. See, that’s the kind of person that rice is.

Dear Montezuma,
You seem to know quite a bit about everything. Is it possible that you could manufacture a grape that was so tasty that even you would eat it? How great are your powers? Are they beyond level 4? Level 5 or above? Please let me know, I need to know to settle a bar bet.
Lou Gambrino

Lou,
the best way to settle a bar bet is with cash. Most bettors in bars don’t take credit.

Great Montezuma,
My friend Gary and I were talking the other day.
Johnny Gomez

P.S. I forgot to mention that we were talking about that old television show with the cat that belonged to the guy with a mechanical body who always fought those giant plant machines with buzzsaws and then changed into common household kitchen appliances created by wizards from the year 4450. Is it true that this show was created by a well known Belgian animation house?

Mr. Gomez,
You seem to have confused me with some latent homosexual Chicago column writer who can’t be bothered to do his own research anymore. It’s as if you expect some snooty, erudite response masked as common, blue-collar bonhomie. Maybe you believe I’m going to read this letter and turn it over to my sycophantic cadre of chained research staff who then turn around and do a cursory search on an interconnected network search engine, like you and “Gary” should have done. You got the wrong guy here, buddy. Let’s skip the coarse language here and move on to the real issue. You, me and all the readers of this column know that Gary is actually you. Your embarrassment at the content of your question has led you, like so many sex column advice seekers and money-grubbing pulp novel writers, to assume a second personality. You know this personality is not real and that it has horrible taste in underclothing, bad skin and an inability to properly boil an egg. In the future I, Montezuma II, would appreciate some higher quality questions. This month’s batch of communiques has been of horrid quality (and the perfume used to scent some of them was obviously a drug store impulse purchase, a choice made hastily over the Nutty Buddy Bath and Chocolate bar which is eminently more useful). In the future, try a little harder.

Advice for the Adviceworn

Montezuma once raised armadillos
for their pelts and has his own show on PBS.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I have come into a bit of an existential crisis. Pants, I have found, provide a better protection from the cold, while skirts, I have discovered, are a more comfortable garment. Which is the best to wear? I must know as my Twenty Year High School Reunion is coming up next month.
Lance Shoemaker
Bangor, Maine

LS,
Have you considered the solution to this very dilemma which was used by the inventor of abreugraphy, and Brazilian, Manuel de Abreu? His idea was amazing.

Dear Montezuma,
I need your advice badly. Recently, the hottest boy in school asked me to prom, but I’m not sure if I can trust him. Perhaps he and is popular friends are attempting to play a trick on me, perhaps even involving pig’s blood. As I happen to have telekinetic powers and an insanely religious mother, this situation will no doubt end in the high school gym being burned down and my mother nailed to the kitchen wall with kitchen knives. My question is, with all these circumstances in my life, could the producers of Carrie sue me?
Kari
Athens, GA.

Kari,
I was consumed by an inner intellectual fire while pondering your question. Thankfully, my cellular telephony provider offered a solution to a problem they created, namely the increase of one’s bill for exceeding an arbitrary time limit on a process which at this point in history essentially costs nothing (and for which they’ve created their own word). I feel lucky that the world’s trans-national corporate entities are able to both envision problems, create the circumstances leading to those problems, nudge the emotional reaction of consumers in response to those problems and offer an effective process by which these problems may become non-existent. With my new videophone I was able to record my own new idea: the clockpan. You see, it’s a pan with a clock built into it so you can know exactly when to turn over those over easy eggs. So, of course, you know the producers of Carrie; Brian De Palma, Paul Monash and Louis A. Stroller cannot sue you as they are dead; mute, dismembered and unable to communicate and North Korean, respectively.

Oh Montezuma,
Being a saxophonician my entire life, I’ve come upon a situation never experienced before. I have an inability to use pushpins. Things are okay when it comes to thumbtacks or other such pinning technology, but the pushpins get me each time. Most of the time they just fall to the ground, though once I dropped one in a bowl of cereal I was consuming before I had my morning coffee. Any thoughts?
Ravi Coltrane
Los Angeles, Monrovia

Mr. Coltrane,
Obviously I have thoughts! Am I not a man? I exist, and to exist I must think! The entire basis of your first three albums was that famous quote of Descartes, which I will offer here in Italian. “Penso che quindi sia.” In our past correspondence, you’ve clearly established a familiarity with my work unsurpassed by most of the reading public and your Montezuma Concordance (the first concordance with accompanying sound track) bests even my own knowledge of this column. Any thoughts? Clearly I have many. As another great thinker might have said in Italian, “Essere o non essere, quella è la domanda.”

Ask Montezuma,
I’ve been trying to find a funny magazine to read, but everything out there seems either too fraught with toilet humour or it seems to be high-brow in-jokes aimed at the Ivory Tower of Academe. Could you suggest to me a publication which might suit my interest.
Brawne LeJames
Birmingham, AL

Dear Brawne,
That’s a tough one. I stopped reading humourous magazines a while ago, but have kept abreast of the field anyway. Many magazines try too hard to come off as weird, funny and interesting. I had a friend who wrote for one such magazine, but unfortunately he is touring the Belgian Colonies at the present time. It has been suggested to me by certain persons that Go Icecream! might be a great source of humour. Lately the National Geographic has had some very amusing inserts and maps in its issues (one included the Aral Sea, can you imagine?) and most especially the 63d page has been quite funny. You might also try the New York Times and the Washington Times. They’ve been uproarious in the past.

Montezuma,
I am impotent. None of the current remedies work. While I am unmarried and currently single, it is frustrating because I cannot even partake of that most precious love one may have with one’s self. Where can I find good doctoral theses?
Mary Blackmüller
Buque’s Neck, IW

Mary,
So good to hear from you again! I do hope that the scarf suggestion I gave you all those columns ago helped with the heifer. Now, other advice giving columnists might suggest the hallowed halls of the Ivy League schools, but I think we’ve adequately proven that those other columnists are rather full of rubbish. My suggestion is to get to the doctoral libraries of regional universities. These are often fertile ground for the mind. Incidentally, it is a tradition amongst these institutions to slip a Hamilton or two into the covers of such publications for those who might read them. You can feed your mind and your wallet at the same time. Another place you might look are at online distance schools. While you will not find any monetary surprise here, you can gain quick digital access to some of the world’s most mediocre Doctors of Philosophy. Happy hunting.

Dearest Montezuma,
Unfortunately, a great opportunity has passed me by. The other day I had the opportunity to take part in a television production wherein Michael Palin (formerly of “Twice a Fortnight”) was touring my hometown. The two days he was in town, I was busy with certain affairs and meetings which I could not get away from and was forced to not schedule a meeting. Do you have a suggestion as to how I can make it up to him?
Fidel Castro
Havana, Cuba

Fidel,
Mr. Palin is a hot-tempered fiend when, as the country people might say, his gumption is up. However, it has been said that he always appreciates a short note of apology with accompanying low-grade social flattery. This is the best way to bring about an appropriate ending.

Montezuma will be appearing at the Alaflair Blvd. Best-Mart in San Vino, Kalisotta on January 4th. He will be signing DVD and Betamax copies of “The Best of Montezuma Travels Illinois,” his critically acclaimed PBS series.

Advice from Old Mexico

Montezuma is a glorious king whose glory shines
down upon all through the ageless bounds of eternity.
Fried chicken is his favorite food.

Dear Montezuma,
I recently borrowed someone else’s rhubarb. I used it in a wonderful pie, which I am consuming at this moment, but I feel a bit disaffected now. You see, I already have my own rhubarb and I’m afraid it will feel neglected should it discover that I used another rhubarb whose provenance was not from my own rhubarb. Rhubarb is a temperamental root vegetable and I don’t quite know how I might deal with its outbursts should it discover my scurrilous usage of rhubarb not my own. I was thinking, perhaps, of covering up the obvious foreign rhubarb with a small coconut I have waiting on the window sill. How do you think I might appease my forlorn ground-inhabiting edible plant?
Regards,
Denny Palmer, Age 27

Denny, Denny, Denny, Denny, Denny,
Reviewing your letter brought back so many memories of my studies at one of the United Kingdom’s lesser-known colleges (I’m sorry to say that I am not an Eton man). My second year Garden Psychology course was one of my favourite little expositions of knowledge. I greeted each day with an overarching eagerness to get to Garden Psychology and learn all about the feelings and complexities of the carrot, the sexual dysfunctions of herbs such as basil, the obsessive disorders of legumes and the deep and dark psychological pathologies of root vegetables, so akin to their growing places in the black, moist soil. Indubitably whatever Garden Psychology course was offered at your secondary educational facility was ineffective. This writer has a slithering guess that your secondary education may not even have included a Garden Psychology course (I would ask for my money back). Possibly you were absent or not paying attention on the day that the emotional makeup of the rhubarb was covered by your instructor. In some cases, rhubarb can be poisonous if not treated properly because it is a quite delicate and serene member of the plant kingdom and it is frequently noted by other vegetables for its steadfastness and unfickletude. To make sure I am not recalling this improperly, I checked my Vegemotional Psychometry Manual III. You should take a gander at your no-doubt dusty copy of this fine tome. It clearly states on page 433, under the general characteristics of rhubarb, that this vegetable is quite calm and collected, even under pressure. Your classification of rhubarb as a root vegetable will be discussed in a future column. Perhaps you have it confused with rutabaga, likely another manifestation of the poor education you received early on.

To our fine friend Montezuma,
We here at the Cal-Dap thumbtack and light emitting diode plant and merchandising center are huge fans of your column. We read it every month and keep clippings up on the break-room refrigerator. We discuss it over coffee and on the assembly line for thumbtacks (doing this on the LED assembly line would be too dangerous and we don’t speak there). Larry “Hambone Runner” Logan on machine #5 almost has every letter from your fifth book memorized and likes to repeat them during union meetings and at management meetings during dull moments (of which there are many!). Joe “Gristle” Sanderson, the vice-president of sales, likes to record himself reading the columns and play them in his office when he thinks no one is listening. We’ve had a few problems recently because our town is small and the plant is really the only source of employment for most citizens. We’re citizen-workers, important to the defense of this great land. That’s why I was going to write to you. You see, we don’t have enough copies of Axes & Alleys to go around here in Lothariana. We’ve spoken to the distributors many times, but they refuse to send more copies. There are about 13 copies for every 58 residents. We sometimes find it hard to share copies with one another. Do you have any advice to give us?
Yours Truly,
Ernie “Lambchop” Jones
Cal-Dap Tackfitters Local 133
Lothariana, FA

Dear Lambchop,
I am very concerned after the receipt of the above letter. You may be unaware, but you are infringing upon several intellectual properties which belong to me. To avoid any further action, please send me accountings for the following royalties I may be owed:

1. number of times a clipped article has been viewed
2. number of times Hambone Runner has repeated my articles
3. number of times Joe Sanderson’s recordings have been played
4. number of times a copy of Axes & Alleys has been shared
5. number of times Joe Sanderson has been referred to as “Gristle”

The above are all rights reserved by my person and I am owed monies for each. As such, an independent auditor will arrive in Lothariana after receipt of your numbers. By my rough calculations, the township owes me close to $1.2 million dollars. Copies of this response have been sent to the Cal-Dap management as well as Lothariana’s City Council. Please see that further infractions do not occur. I am most disturbed by the unauthorized use of my trademarked phrase “Gristle.” This use must cease immediately!

Dearest Montezuma,
Is there really nowhere to go from here but up?
Confused On Relevant News

Dear CORN,
Looking at the postmark from your letter and the penmanship in your letter, I am positively convinced that you are likely to continue in a downward spiral of irrelevancy and doubt. Were that I could remember how to tie a noose for you.