Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part II

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West Nyack, NY– I got into this little hamlet yesterday by way of Yonkers and I plan on never going through Yonkers ever again. It did make my arrival in this upper middle-class hideaway that much more welcome. Though it was difficult to find accommodation because of the festivities surrounding their annual Battle of San Juan Hill reenactment, I did end up with a cozy corner in the 921 section of the West Nyack Free Library.

Today after grabbing my makeup from the 390 section I headed off to find Jim Barnseed, owner of the world’s smallest shoe collection. In Bayshore, Hammond Flap had mentioned this intriguing collection, and then there I was knocking at Barnseed’s door. The first thing I noticed when the crumpled old man let me in was his lack of shoes. I wondered if owning a normal-sized pair of shoes would spoil his collection, but was ushered into “The Red Room” as he called it for no obvious reason.

It wasn’t red and was more of a walk in closet, but it was lined by dark mahogany cases. All of them were empty and open, except for one. His hands shook from age, or Parkinson’s as he opened that case to reveal to me the steel tip from a work boot. As I left I reminded myself to send a strongly-worded letter to Mr. Flap.

Haven’t quite decided where I’m going next. Probably South, but it could be any of the other directions.

Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part I

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Bayshore, MV-It’s a funny name for a town because there is neither a bay nor a shore within a hundred miles of Bayshore. But this little town still has a character all it’s own. The people and their goats all live on a bluff overlooking a chalk quarry which, for some unknown reason, was filled with sand in 1978. City Council Person, Michael R. Cook, told me that the residents call it as the “sand pit.”

“For the kids,” he said “the sand pit’s been there their entire lives, it’s what they know about Bayshore. It’s a source of pride. We even renamed the high school mascot the Sand Pitter. What puts Bayshore on the map is our big door bell museum.” Of course, I just had to go.

The International Doorbell Museum features over thirty thousand door bells. The prize of the collection in the seventy foot tall, doorbell commissioned by Louis XIV for Versailles. It features life-size clockwork grenadiers who smack a giant bell with brass antelopes while little frog fountains gush water. Curator Hammond Flap let me ring it and yeah, it’s a heck of a doorbell. Since I didn’t wear the ear plugs they gave me, I may have permanent hearing loss.

The museum also features doorbells from pop culture; including the doorbells from the sets of Family Ties, Maude and Seaquest. My favorite parts were the Doorbell Chamber of Horrors, which has Jeffrey Dahmer’s doorbell and the Doorbell Fun Zone, where kids, and even grown up kids like me, can have doorbell fun. There are buttons and lights and even a doorknob you can turn, but it doesn’t really open a door.

Bayshore’s definitely a fun place to visit. I even tried to build a sand castle in the sandpit. And guess what, it was in the shape of a doorbell. Now, off to more adventures across this great country. Wonder where we’ll be next time. Better check back in and find out.

An Axes & Alleys Travelogue

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For the next few weeks Axes & Alleys will do something a bit different. Well, actually, we’ll be doing something many magazines have done before. For the month of Caliguli A&A is going on a road trip!

Well, almost all of us are not going anywhere. No, we’ll be here at the offices. Some of us may even partake of furtive, barely-satisfying liaisons in the break room. No, A&A is sending that cute little button Katie Stalin out across America to see what she can see. Several times each week she’ll bring you her observations from the road. We’ve not given any assignments, but we do have one request of her: find at least one person who walks about all day carrying two lobsters. We enjoy crustaceans. They’re cool.

Ms. Stalin has been many things (most recently single), including investigative reporter, master of disguise, travel industry analyst and enthusiast, cloudberry expert, herbicological hobbyist, and ghost writer for Umberto Eco’s How to Travel with a Salmon & Other Essays. Katie has been invaluable to us. For six months she lived as young Asian woman for an upcoming story on the plight of peat moss.

With the exception of Delores P. Grunion, we all wish Katie a safe, enjoyable working holiday across this great confederatorialist nation. Here’s hoping she finds more excitement and erotically satisfying interludes than us back at the ranch. If there’s one person through whom to live vicariously, it’s that apple-cheeked bumpkin, Katie Stalin.