A Moving-Picture-Play Review


Full of Heaven. Directed by Dolph Lundgren, Starring Chester Copperpot, Matt Damon, Ian McDiarmid and Mandy Moore. Edited by Amanda Vacuumhindu. 20th Century Vole, all rights reserved . Hair by Aime Echo. Catering by Wendy’s.

One of the most difficult things to sell the public on is the musical. Musicals require far more willing suspension of disbelief than the average movie goer is willing to engage. Dancing, singing, tap-dancing, choral singing or any other such performance in the middle of ordinary events is hard to swallow. While Hollywood is always pumping out cookie-cutter genre stories (action, comedy, drama) musicals seem just far too enlightened for Middle America. It’s sad that musicals are only popular on cruise ships.

What was most exciting about Full of Heaven is not that it’s a musical, but rather its pure artistic boldness. Through its telling of the story of struggling screenwriter Harold Ramus and his star-crossed lover Dan Makroyd trying to discover their love in the midst of the 1950s McCarthy Hearings, Full of Heaven invites the viewer to critique the hypocrisy of contemporary American society (always a difficult prospect).

As the story begins we learn that Ramus’ latest script, a story about Abraham Lincoln’s obvious but ignored homosexuality, has brought him under the oppression of the House Un-American Activities Committee. Makroyd, the Democratic Representative from Greenwich Village, comes to his rescue with an impassioned speech and impromptu dance number/homoerotic lap dance on the House floor.

The two fall in love, even as the ruthless Republican radicals in Congress seek to destroy them. It’s a touching romance, replete with the realistic portrayal of two young men in love; their love revealed through a series of delicate and artistically rendered love-making scenes which show every aspect of the characters’ emotion, physicality and various penetrative ennui.
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The March of Progress: Fabuly 2006


If you’re anything like me, chances are you get stressed out by the holidays; the shopping, the food, the cleaning, the obligations, the family troubles and the travel. It seems like once a month another holiday comes along to disrupt our lives. Why on New Years and Saint Patrick’s our favorite bars and restaurants jack up the prices and become crowded as all get out, on Valentines you’ve gotta be in love or there’s no point. Halloween means you have to give away your hard earned candy to greedy children. As for Thanksgiving, is it really necessary to cook for ten hours, travel for two days and gorge ourselves on food we never eat at any other time of the year? And don’t even get me started on Christmas.

My plan is simple, so simple that it will and must work. All we do is combine all these obligatory occasions into one day so that they don’t disrupt our schedules for the rest of the year. It will take place the first Saturday after the first full week in May (That’s May 20th, 2006 for the first one). It shall be called “The Amalgamated Holiday #01.”

The rights and rituals of Amalgamated Holiday #01 will be spelled out below and soon you won’t have to worry about redecorating every month or traveling back home every other month, no more confusing algorithms to try and figure out when days fall. Nope, all the inconvenience of the holidays will now be consolidated into one wild day of glory and fun. Here’s how it works:

9:00 am: Get up and put on your costumes. My first Amalgamated Holiday #01 costume is going to be a sexy merchandising associate.

9:30 am: Time to open presents. Also, make sure you hide the egg-shaped matzo. Good luck to the one who finds the Easter-affikomen.

10:00am: Plant a small fir or pine tree. Then trim it; you can decorate it with colorful eggs, green shamrocks, or red-white-and-blue bunting. Put a small figure of the devil on top then throw rocks at it. Whoever knocks the devil off the tree gets to blow out the candles (see next).

11:00 am: Bring out the birthday cake. Put seven candles on top in a straight line. Light the middle one first. Then the others in order until they are all lit. Then blow them out and make a resolution. Yay, now you can eat the yummy cake.

12:00 noon: Call your mother, father and grandparents. Wish them well.
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