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On the Subject of Cathy
An Editorial by a Plastic Mannequin
I am not a historian of the comic strip Cathy. As a child I read the strip regularly. As an adult, I’ve glanced over Cathy from time to time. Because of this unique experience with the work of Cathy Guisewite, one could say I am more like Heinrich Schliemann finding a frozen moment in the development of Troy. Like Schliemann, all I see is ruination.
As a child I loved Cathy. Each week I would eagerly open the funny pages to read about her looking for a date, being fat, wanting to exercise, eating too many chocolates, talking to her cat, talking to her mother on the phone; virtually any of the boring things a young professional woman might do.
I wanted to meet Cathy. Not the character, but the woman who created her. In fact, I will admit to having a small crush on Cathy Guisewite at the age of seven. She seemed to know something about all the normal things in life, stuff a seven year old didn’t know yet. And since the strip was drawn very much as a seven year old would draw, I thought her character was cute and figured she would be, too.
I thought she lived nearby. Then again, I thought all the comics writers lived nearby. Dick Browne wrote Hagar the Horrible from up the street. Bil Keane lived in town with the Family Circus. Lynn Johnston owned the awesome house near my elementary school, pouring out For Better or For Worse. This was reinforced by the fact that Peanuts creator Charles Schultz really did live in my town. So I thought Ms. Guisewite was probably somewhere in the neighbourhood and I desperately wanted to meet her.
Things haven’t changed much in the last twenty years. The visual style of Cathy is surprisingly still very much familiar to elementary school students. It’s amazing that after two decades, she hasn’t been able to control her urge for sweets. She finally got that man she was after, but their dialogue isn’t much different than it was before. Her concerns are still quite parochial. For instance, Cathy still thinks she’s fat and makes jokes about exercise.
This last is difficult to wrap one’s head around. Everyone in the Cathyverse is the same size, so one assumes either Cathy has never been fat or she only knows fat people. Both propositions are quite sad. The former suggests Cathy as the victim of a persistent body dismorphic disorder. The latter is a dystopian proposition that Cathy lives in a dark, gritty world of people unable to control their urges, doomed to an early death from heart disease, high blood pressure, or diabetes. Diabetes seems most likely as insulin is never mentioned.
I no longer wish to meet Cathy Guisewite. Her concerns are parochially vapid and her output offers no deep analysis on the human condition. Probably a woman in her late twenties or thirties when I was a child, she must now be in her late forties or fifties. If Cathy suggests anything about her, on top of being too old for me she’s incredibly dull. I would make her angry when she showed me the latest strip and I told her how bad it was.
I’m not her demographic and that’s okay. I am not, of course, seven years old any longer. I am not a stereotypical young professional woman sitting in my apartment with my cats reading the comics in my sweatpants. I am not a middle-aged biddy wont to chuckle at the latest stereotypically male thing Cathy’s companion does.
I’m sure me, aged seven, would be disappointed with this outcome, but I won’t listen to him. He didn’t know how to tie his shoes then. He couldn’t recognize that Cathy is filler; one of the worst comic strips ever to be granted a syndication contract, and one upon which can be saddled all the accusations of decadence and boorishness ever levied against our culture.
Cathy was and is the early warning sign of a culture about to fall, of a grand civilization tottering toward its grave. When historians look back at the United States, Cathy Guisewite will be held up as one of the first signals that something was wrong. They will shake their heads at our folly and ask, “Why was nothing done?”
Rabies Cannon
Letters: Mapril 2007
Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
To Whom It May Concern,
Your article on college by Garnet “Collegebound” Bruell (My Essay About College, Volume 456-BR7, Issue 14) is full of crap. I met Garnet at the campus diner the other day and he’s nothing like he describes in the essay. I asked him about various colours and, you know what? He doesn’t like colours. When I asked him if he wanted to share my sandwich with me he said he wasn’t hungry, contradicting his statement that he likes to eat! How can you print such lies?
Provost Teresa A. Sullivan
University of Michigan, MI
To Whom it May Concern,
Thank you for your interest in the papacy and in the Holy Catholic Church. While the I do enjoy meeting and speaking with Catholics the world over, I am often too busy with prayers and services to answer each letter personally. Please continuing partaking in the Seven Sacraments and thank you for your letter.
Love in Christ Through an Intermediary,
Pope Benedict XVI
Vatican City
To the Editors of Axes & Alleys,
There are several major problems with your so-called comic in the last issue. First of all, the American flag patch is on the left arm of an astronaut’s suit, not the right as depicted in this illustration. Secondly, astronaut helmets do not feature any jutting antennae, as these would be too delicate for an EVA and may snag on something, jeopardizing communication with the shuttle or lander. Third, there is no mission patch present on either the chest or shoulder. Also, there is no such thing as aliens. At least not like they’re depicted here. Please do your research before publishing this nonsense. It perpetuates ignorance and could cause children to lose interest in manned space exploration programs.
Catharine Coleman
Cape Kennedy, FL
Dear Mrs. Occupant,
Would you be interested in learning more about brass? Send away today for your free brass information pamphlet from the Brass Advisory Council.
The Brass Advisory Council
Grand Rapids, MI
Dear Editors,
Why is that your magazine is only scratch-and-sniff in the Czech Republic Edition? Here in Poprad, we can only get the Slovakia Edition and are hence unable to scratch or sniff anything at all. Our olfactory senses have become dulled. Back before the fall of the Iron Curtain, we used to be able to get the Czechoslovakia Edition, which was edited by the Party, but at least could be smelled. Why have you granted only the Czech Republic with the scintillating world of scents? Also, could you please start reprinting the Ruthania Edition?
Bost Malichi
Poprad, Slovakia
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Does your magazine have anything to do with Peruvian supermodel Alexis Andaliz? She is really hot and has a name similar to that of your magazine. Is this just a coincidence? Because she’s totally hot. I even have her picture as my desktop wallpaper.
Maria Thymagissine
Llanddewi Brefi, UK
Dear Axes & Alleys,
The contents of my pocket are: two quarters totaling fifty cents, a safety pin, and one glove.
Sincerely,
Henrietta Stevenson
Glendale, SC
Dear Delores R. Grunion,
My name is Billy Green and I am a ten year old boy with a horrible disease called Billy Green Syndrome. This disease is genetic and was named after my father. The doctors said that it was incurable and, like my father, I would die before the age of eleven. But then last night Jesus, and his brother James, appeared to me in a dream and told me that I would be miraculously cured, but if only I would write a letter to your magazine. Jesus, and his brother James, said that if you refused to print my letter then I would be miraculously cured and everything would be alright and my mommy would stop crying. So please don’t print this letter or allow it to appear in your magazine. I don’t want to die.
Billy Thompson Jr.,
Harrisburg, PA
To the Editors,
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is the world’s largest animal rights organization, with more than 1.6 million members and supporters dedicated to animal protection. This letter concerns your recent glorification of the mistreatment of animals at Magic Muffin’s Research Campus in Monrovia, MV (Mammals Move Muffins, Volume 456-BR8 Issue 02). Numerous animals, including snakes, monkeys and sloths have been subjected to cruel treatment in a salacious effort to “improve” human life. On behalf of our members and supporters in Montsylvania, we respectfully ask that you print a retraction of your propaganda piece for the animal slavery industry and publish an article provided by our media department: The Immorality of Muffin Industrialization and Animals.
Dan Paden, Researcher
Domestic Animal and Wildlife Rescue & Information Department, PETA
Pirate Memory Game
