Dear Axes & Alleys,
Yesterday, as I glanced through the New York City Police Auxiliary Hand-book, I came upon a section concerning self-defense. It featured instructions for officers; detailing how to break holds and maneuver out of an assailant’s grip. It occurred to me that it would make more sense to coat all police officers in a thick coat of oil or gelatin, either by dipping or by shower-type systems. Thus police would be too slippery for assailants to grab We can even have a series of way stations throughout the city where police officers can dunk under gelatin showers to refresh their slippery coatings. Perhaps Axes & Alleys could champion this idea so we can help stamp out crime forever.
Theory Ragdoll
Staten Island, NY
A&A,
Damn.
Juliet
London, UK
Dear Editors:
It is a shame that with all the new Amendments passed not one addressed he issue of robotic citizenship. Robots are fine helpers, both around the house and on industrial supply lines. Surely a robot with a 500 gig or more processor would have the power to understand the complex issues of our day. I mean, if we give women, the Irish and even Catholics the vote, we should support robot suffrage.
Almond Pepperidge
Tallahassee Tennessee
Hi, Axes & Alleys,
It is an atrocity that fish sticks are no longer available in the commissary where I work. Now they have these things called “fish bites” on Fridays. Really they’re nuggets, not bites anyway. If you call it a fish bite then it makes it seem like the fish is biting you. Having once been mauled by a perch, I do not like having “fish bites” on my tray.
Laurie Fiedlemeyer
Pope Gregory, MV.
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Isn’t it sad that our current society rarely burns witches anymore? We used to burn witches all the time but now we hardly burn any at all. We should burn more witches. And rodeo clowns. Especially rodeo clowns. And not just burning the rodeo clowns, they should be drawn and quartered, vivisected, run over with trains, smashed with hammers, impaled on spikes, dismembered, torture and brutally killed. That’ll teach them to keep stealing my flute. They’re always after it. Not a day goes by when the rodeo clowns don’t try to steal my flute. It’s my flute. We should take the rodeo clowns and drive nails into their eyes, then boil them alive and then dip them, screaming and struggling into vats of molten lava.
With Love in Christ,
Mayor March Magoo
Valence, CO.
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Anne Craig is hot. Can she come over to my house to play board games with me?
Remejy Soren
Queens, NY