With the 2008 Presidential Election only fifteen months away, the American-Freedom Party frontrunners have converged on the new state of Willinois in anticipation of Mega-Marsday when eleven states (roughly 11/6oths of the total number of states) hold their official primary. While recent Gallup polls have given Free-American party incumbent Dick Armstrong an 87% approval rating, the American Freedom party candidates seem ready for the challenge.
Alaska’s junior senator Robert Shoemaker shot out to an early lead when he openly criticized President Dick Armstrong’s handling of the Noodle Incident. But, Shoemaker lost in the polls to Ponderada Governor Mary Tarzan after being killed by the rabid wolverines he routinely carries in a specially contracted backpack.
In Calvert, Accadia last week Governor Tarzan appeared for a meet-and-greet with important members of the beef jerky industry. While stacking flatware in an artful way, Governor Tarzan expounded, via haiku poetry, on the need for real solutions to the growing Oboe Crisis. After taking several photographs of figs, she answered questions from a seamstress and a clerk named Stephen, before repairing a unicycle and dancing the flamenco with several members of the Valve Lobby.
Tarzan gained the American-Party lead by announcing, earlier this week, her four point strategy for her proposed Embettering America Plan. The plan includes increased soup exports to Slovenia, demanding that Europe abandon A4 for letter sized paper, a 15% increase in north-bound Amtrak service and a mandatory national curfew of 9pm, so that people don’t wake up all grumpy. Other candidates, such as Ohio congressman Mitch Damage were quick to attack Tarzan’s soup export strategy. In a series of attack, the Committee to Elect Damage (CED) endlessly repeated their extra catchy slogan “Slovenia has enough soup for now and we do not need to send more at this time.” Later ads set the slogan to a ragtime tune for added political power.
While Tarzan has refrained from name-calling, Katharinetowne mayor G. Thomas Borden has publicly referred to Damage as a milquesop, an act which earned both Borden and Damage a half-point poll increase. At a recent meet and greet in Tarpaulin, CA, Damage and his entourage took time off from a tour of bowling pin factories to stop off for an asparagus brunch at the local Milquesop Café where he posed for a silhouette and demonstrated his finance skills by balancing hardboiled eggs. Not one to be undone by amateur theatrics, Tarzan appeared at the nearby Dutch Omelet House where she demonstrated her knowledge of foreign affairs by wolfing down seven plates of Belgian waffles and nine cups of Irish coffee. Staggering about the café afterwards, Governor Tarzan called her opponents “a bunch of reactionary f***tards with the combined intellectual capacity of a wet hammer.”
Dark horse candidate Lurien Prut disproved this later in the day by organizing a game-show style contest where he, Damage and Borden went head to head against a wet hammer in a test of geography knowledge. While only Borden was able to name the capital of California, the wet hammer failed to score a single point, despite its being redunked in a bucket several times throughout the showdown. Afterward, Borden distributed free “Ponderada Sucks” promotional kites, a move which earned him several points in Ponderada, the Humble State.
Former Vice President Al Page, bedecked in a sequin jumpsuit and special Vice Presidential helmet, visited a convention of yolk-separators early Tuesday morning and followed with an afternoon of miniature golf. After going twelve above par on the difficult Eiffel Tower hole, Page held an impromptu press conference. When asked what he thought of Armstrong’s presidency, Page paused to collect his thoughts and cram several dozen coffee beans into his mouth before launching into a four hour diatribe during which time he explained, in great detail, the inadequacy of the White House soaps and lotions. He explained that, when visiting, he was forced to bring his own soap and proceeded to pass it around for sampling and sniffing before breaking into an impromptu jig. Afterward, Page flapped his arms several times, wrapped himself in a blanket and ran away.
Of course, recent polls have Vice President Page trailing Field Marshal Rupert Olive by as many as two points. The war hero who led the Good Guy armies to victory in the War has yet to officially announce his candidacy, but when asked if he will run has repeatedly responded by winking coyly, smiling, and patting the papers in his breast pocket. Many pundits believe that Olive could lead the American-Freedom Party to the White House, despite Olive’s close connections with the Armstrong administration and rumors of his addiction to spoon collecting.
On Wednesday afternoon, the five American-Freedom party candidates Page, Prut, Tarzan, Damage and Borden met at the Calcium Flats Convention Center on the outskirts of Pinkerton, PA for the first in a series of eight debates. While not officially invited to the debate, Platha State Union candidate Alexandra Hague turned up anyway, but was not allowed to enter after she refused to check her firearms at the door.
Thus far, President Armstrong has been biding his time before beginning his reelection campaign, instead focusing on the escalating situation in Alberta. But for the American-Freedom hopefuls, it’s ready, set, go for the start of what appears to be an exciting race.