How to Do It: October 2005

With regular commentator LeMuel LeBratt
By Permanent Guest-Commentator R. Yadaris Sythe

Defending Yourself Against Alien Abductions


According to recent research released by the National Institutes of Health, one in six Americans has been abducted by aliens from outer space. This rate of abduction is nearly twice that of people abducted by illegal aliens. Essentially, this information means that if you have not yet been abducted, you probably will be some time before next Tuesday.

We at Axes & Alleys remain ever vigilant in our defense of the good people of Earth. Experts in related fields (including chemistry and philosophy) have provided us a veritable laundry list of things that you can do to protect yourself against alien abductions.

Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll be certain that the only person probing your rectum will be Carla from the escort service.

  • Like cats, aliens are terrified of vacuum cleaners. If you sense aliens approaching, simply turn on the ol’ Hoover and any nearby aliens will scurry to safety by crawling under a nearby bed.
  • Aliens would be categorized as obsessive-compulsive by the diktat of the DSM IV. Make sure to keep your home highly disorganized and aliens may fear to tread there (however, beware of alien automatons).
  • Aliens tend to be very sensitive to universal vibrations. As crystals can project these vibrations, it can be useful to wear a crystal. These are available at many New Age boutiques. If there are no New Age boutiques in your area, remember that ordinary table salt is a crystal (NaCl). Try pouring a bunch of salt on your head before retiring for the night.
  • As alien auras broadcast on a different frequency than human auras, aliens have been known to absorb energy from electrical systems. If the power drains from your home you are in an alien-friendly environment. Try using a portable gasoline generator in your bedroom. The carbon monoxide fumes should kill any aliens who try and come near you.
  • If you suddenly awaken in your bedroom to discover aliens standing over you, a good trick to avoid abduction is to simply open the release on the airlock. It might be good to quip “Get away from her, you bitch” before letting the aliens fly off into the void.
  • For areas not equipped with airlocks where you might awaken to find aliens standing over you, remember that aliens are exceedingly polite. Say something like “excuse me, I must prepare the potatoes.” Then make a quick getaway while they wait.
  • Aliens have skin which is very sensitive to earth environments. This can be very handy information if you have to thwart any alien abduction attempts. Try and use a harsh fabric softener if you do any laundry for the aliens.
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  • Known for their small, thin gray physique and overly large eyes, aliens can be easy targets. Try sleeping with darts in your bed. Hitting big, black, almond-shaped eyes can often be easier that hitting the cork after four pints of Guinness.
  • Most aliens don’t know how to drive stick. You might want to sleep in a car with manual transmission.
  • Alien tongues are especially sensitive to sweetness. To avoid abduction, try leaving a bunch of candy on your neighbor’s doorstep. The aliens might just get the hint.
  • Many abductees have claimed that prayer can be a good defense against abduction. If you find yourself paralyzed in bed with aliens standing ominously above you, pray to Jesus Christ. Should that fail, try submitting to Allah. Conversion to Islam may help you stop the aliens, as suicide bombing can be very effective, even against extraterrestrial visitation.
  • While there may be little you can do to defend yourself against alien abduction once the vile creatures have already infiltrated your home, remember that a simple anti-aircraft defense can be very effective against flying saucers. 88mm artillery can do serious damage to alien craft and can also be used to shell alien positions.

As you can see, with some simple precautions you can secure your home and person against these space miscreants. Many of these same tactics can be used to protect loved ones, co-workers, even pets. Always be vigilant.

R. Yadaris Smythe is a marine-carpenter whose hobbies include Bacon Festivals.

112 thoughts on “How to Do It: October 2005


  2. i am an alien and im coming for all of you

    im not scared of fucking vacuum cleaners

    im coming to stick a probe up all of you

    it will hurt

    be afaid be very afraid

  3. im fat and gay and aliens abducted me and touched me 🙂 it felt gooooooooooooood i had sex with a male alien.

    they raped me

    arent you jelous 🙂

    they come for me every week i just cant wait

    2morrow is when they come

    woop woop

    im in for a night of pleasure

  4. actually, i have proof that aliens are indeed human. there are many factors to consider:

    their astonishing likeness to a human. two arms, two legs, two eye’s, two ears (small holes on side of head), a nose and so on. human kind through time has evolved from cro masonic to neandathal to homo erectus then homo sapien. just like aliens they have evolved… FROM US. in the future humans will have no need for muscles as everything will be computer automated. humans will have no need for many things hence the physical mutation in evolution.

    technology has evolved as well, 200 years ago mankind had no computers and cars where not even a concept. 100 years ago mankind was contemplating flight, 50 years ago mankind went to the moon for the first time and 10 years ago the mobile phone changed the world. in 100 years time mankind may go to marz, 200 years from now we may have anti matter and anti gravity. proof= the male hormone in reproduction is shrinking. the chromosones of the female are more and more dominant and soon within 250 years sciantists and doctors predict only female births will be possible…. and the animal “cow” holds a special gene called “dyflaxis” (look it up if you dont believe me)… dyflaxis is the name given to a type of dna structure that can artificially create the cromosone needed for male births. hence the cow mutilations… our future selves are extracting the dna needed to reproduce.

    maybe as time goes on mankind will find a way to test stephen hawkings ideas on space time continuim theory. we may find a way to travel through time. mankind is always interested in history and archiology. aliens are simply FUTURE HUMANS COME BACK TO RECEARCH THEIR PRIMITIVE FORM. that is why they have not been violent or hostile yet!

    think of it as……. a man from the year 2006 going back to visit a man from 1776. it would be the most scariest alien thing to them.

    i know they are real and i welcome an abduction. i want to see what mankind evolves into. or perhaps through radiation from a possible nuclear war fallout the sky is scorched reducing sunlight hence the big eye’s. and we evolve by our surroundings.

  5. ailens do exist i think they abduct people but not one out of six i think there helpers of god or something taking the good to heaven so no the people on here saying “i have got abducted”
    i think are lying

  6. okay so use tin foil hats to protect you from aleins who will read your brain waves. also their skin is not used to the unuaual climate they arent used to humidity this could harm their skin. high pitch sounds can also harm their sensitive hearing.

    chances are if theya re in your room hovering over you is that you are going to be ubducted.
    do not try to fuss, but chances are that you are alredy paralized. adn if you arent and you fight back
    you may come back with missing genetalia.

    they also are probbly tracking you
    so you will meet again.
    good luck.

  7. I the first couple of lines you have mentioned, “According to recent research released by the National Institutes of Health, one in six Americans has been abducted by aliens from outer space.”….. Is it true? Do aliens exist?

  8. What does it mean when before you go to sleep or shot your eyes , you see an image of a white with long black elien yes??I saw that tow days ago. Can anyone tell me what that means?? and if I’m actually beeing abducted by them?? I need an answer than you.

  9. I shall just assume you guys are experts on aliens and know all about them, even though you have no hard evidence, data, etc. So whatever, right?

  10. I believe in aliens and I’m 10 i KNOW they exist they killed my 7 year old brother you don’t know what its like to watch your brother die.No one else believes me, i also know i was abducted because one night when i was 4 i remember seeing creters lifting me out of bed, a year later i noticed i could see the future.I also noticed huge bruises i and my family could not explain.My mom gave me thiere that aliens are actually humans but were mutated from rateation from when stars exsplode and they just abduct people to find a way to turn back into humans and when they kill us it’s just an acsidentd i believe my mom but also don’t believe at the same time I’m 10 and believe. lol

  11. i herd a loud scweel and i woke up at 2 a.m. in themorning and supprizingly i saw an alien and it tried to take me away and i just punched it in the nuts and it scweeled and ran out of my room and i herd a loud bang and i looked outside then it looked at me with an evil look on face and was pointing at me like the evil monkey on family guy and it had sharp teath and it ran to me and bit me in the nuts and i kicked it in the nuts and it flew across the yard and ran away screeming.

  12. onc there were 1000000000000000090080070006000 in my backyard and i went in my baxkyard and i,m ceres and i saw it hapin and now i,m in the hospitle and i,m writeing this on my loptop i can,t talck write now i aftoo get sergery on my titey.

  13. wow… You guys are fucking stupid… aliens don’t exist… and if they did don’t you think we would have seen pictures of actual aliens and not people wearing costumes and makeup… like seriously how stupid can you be… there is no real evidence anywhere… no matter how hard you try to find it.

  14. Well for you people that don’t beleave is just plain DUMB ok i have seen lots of them flying around in U.F.O’s so please not post if your beleaver’s

  15. i have no idea if this is good for anybody a beliver.and also it waslike 3-5 yrs ago and i had woke up and i was scared so i was going into my grandmals room(i lived with her at the time)and i looked down the hall and saw this creaure that looked like an alien and it indeed saw me and we looked at each other for about 30 seconds before it left but itgave me a look that said we indeed is here i have no idea what it was going to do but itwas there and i know what i saw.but yout don’t have to believe me because it was like 3-4 in the morning maybe i imagined it maybe i didn’t?

  16. hi me gain um there was this one time i was playing a game at daycare and i was bout to duck cause someone though a rock at me and it hit me and then i see black i open my eyes and see blood, luckily i didn’t have it bad ( it is now a scar )but that night i awoke to a sudden crash and opened my eyes and saw a alien then it touched my scar and my scar started to heal but then the alien diapered and i lie there in bed.In the morning i go look mirror and scar almost completely gone.

  17. wait let me quote “FUTURE HUMANS COME BACK TO RECEARCH THEIR PRIMITIVE FORM.” so does that mean that the alien that healed part of my scar is a futer person that my great great grandperson might know?!

  18. what i think people should do if they get abuducted is run around naked on the ship. possibly the aliens will be afraid of size of your boobs, stomach, or penis. they may just drop you off in time square, naked and all.

  19. seriously people, this site is just to be dumb or funny. I don’t believe in aliens, I’m pretty sure something would have happened to prove it to us. For those of you atheists, I am gonna quote the Bible. It says, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the world.” It didn’t say heavens and the worldssssssss… we never can know.

  20. oh i once got abducted. the aliens started to dissect my chinchilla. I screamed and they turned and said, ‘Rnda haeu meow, jedi, vader, jhei.’ THEN MY NIPPLES STARTED TO BURN LIKE CRAZY!!!!!!!!

  21. This is retarded. The yammering of an intellectually stunted parrot mind.

    Have you no inclination to work? your minds are faltering in the smoke & haze.

    Your arrogance is an obtuse atrocity that need be disregarded and promptly thrown into the nearest dung pile. if one isn’t available then make one just for the occasion.

    “It is no wonder your god wants to step on you.”
    now you may commence with your mental masturbation.

  22. my name is joel where did u find it? what did it looked like? is it relly a alien? what is your name?


  24. LMFAO!!! SOme of these are great!! But seriously, just 1) Clear yer mind , and 2) tell em you don’t wanna go. and also 3) the Hoover and crystals just might do the trick. Go in peace. (LOL)

  25. You know what creepedd me out last night?I was reading and i heard a noise.Its like a ruslting in the bushes i like freeze up( i do that when i’m scared) i’m not joking an dthe next thing i know my tooth falls out lol i think it funny an scary in a way.and i found my pet birds dead that morning.WIERD!

  26. i think humans are so stupid that they should just all die! i’m so glad 2012 is coming. Atleast aliens can take over this beautiful world. I love aliens. I wish to marry one. Humans aren’t worth getting married to.

  27. aliens are only mine! i luv them more than my life! All of you humans go die, you ugly chimps! Take a long look at yourself in the mirror. There is no human in this world that is as pretty or handsome as an alien. Aliens are good-looking, intelligent, and destroyers of humans. That’s the kind of husband I want!

  28. I agree with the last 3 comments.I measn think alien then think human, which one wins an which one loases in the finally battle?!?!?!?! ALIENS!!}|

  29. I really would love to marry an alien i mean they smarter then us and a lot more handsome/pretty.I would just lve for 2012 to come and then an alien could take me away! 😀 i would love that.

  30. OK if they so gay why the frick do no-belivers, come here?I mean, if u not like it then go away fricken loser.

  31. I was abducted by what appeared to be a cross between 80’s Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli….The night began like this…….It was 4.30am, I had passed out in front of a raging log fire in the front room of my trailer if fact it was also the kitchen and bedroom (sometimes toilet) there’s only one room so it’s very convenient. I awoke to a rumbling the whole of my abode was shaking and it felt like the walls were crushing around me, like a drunken god smashing a beer can, as suddenly as it started it was over then BANG!! Bright lights filled the trailer partially blinding me, the log fire at one point roaring was out the lights gone…..It was in darkness…..but I wasn’t scared…I wasn’t scared at all, then the scuttling started all around me I could hear what sounded like rats running through a steel tube…I was knocked to the floor from the darkness a small hand grabbed my ankle then my wrist till I was pinned down to the floor except…wait a sec….this isn’t my floor…where’s the beer cans….the half eaten pizza I was saving for later….I’d been taken….and with that all my clothes were ripped from my body….the feel of smooth cool steel against my bottom and shoulders….as my eyes began to adjust to the darkness I could make out 4 5 no 7 80’s Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli kind of creacher, 4 of whom were holding me down, one was standing over my head exposing his genitaila in plain sight and the other two were pointing to my bottom! Then I spotted it….the device that still gives me the shakes, like an alcoholic with no wine left. The Device was shaped like a cigar and then set upon me like Bill Clinton on Monica Lewinsky (we all know what he did with the cigar!) The blackness starts the creep in again then roars in………I pass out.
    It’s 7.30, in the middle of O’Neal’s pub in Wimbledon high Street, I haven’t a single item of clothing on and everyone is staring at me, without saying a word I walk out in to the busy high street confused and in pain walking like John Wayne I try to get back to my trailer….I never make it back.

  32. I killed yesterday 2 aliens by playing a children card game known as Yugioh. It was really funny. 🙂

  33. I hereby deem all of you really fuckin retarded, the relevance of alien existence shouldnt be discussed on this shitty site. and for you people that think your aliens. slit your own throat and if your alive after that, drown yourself in the toilet after taking a shit.. your obviously fucking insane. quit wasting everyone’s time, and yeah…2012 isn’t real. have fun rotting in hell.


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