With regular commentator LeMuel LeBratt
By Permanent Guest-Commentator R. Yadaris Sythe
Defending Yourself Against Alien Abductions
According to recent research released by the National Institutes of Health, one in six Americans has been abducted by aliens from outer space. This rate of abduction is nearly twice that of people abducted by illegal aliens. Essentially, this information means that if you have not yet been abducted, you probably will be some time before next Tuesday.
We at Axes & Alleys remain ever vigilant in our defense of the good people of Earth. Experts in related fields (including chemistry and philosophy) have provided us a veritable laundry list of things that you can do to protect yourself against alien abductions.
Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll be certain that the only person probing your rectum will be Carla from the escort service.
- Like cats, aliens are terrified of vacuum cleaners. If you sense aliens approaching, simply turn on the ol’ Hoover and any nearby aliens will scurry to safety by crawling under a nearby bed.
- Aliens would be categorized as obsessive-compulsive by the diktat of the DSM IV. Make sure to keep your home highly disorganized and aliens may fear to tread there (however, beware of alien automatons).
- Aliens tend to be very sensitive to universal vibrations. As crystals can project these vibrations, it can be useful to wear a crystal. These are available at many New Age boutiques. If there are no New Age boutiques in your area, remember that ordinary table salt is a crystal (NaCl). Try pouring a bunch of salt on your head before retiring for the night.
- As alien auras broadcast on a different frequency than human auras, aliens have been known to absorb energy from electrical systems. If the power drains from your home you are in an alien-friendly environment. Try using a portable gasoline generator in your bedroom. The carbon monoxide fumes should kill any aliens who try and come near you.
- If you suddenly awaken in your bedroom to discover aliens standing over you, a good trick to avoid abduction is to simply open the release on the airlock. It might be good to quip “Get away from her, you bitch” before letting the aliens fly off into the void.
- For areas not equipped with airlocks where you might awaken to find aliens standing over you, remember that aliens are exceedingly polite. Say something like “excuse me, I must prepare the potatoes.” Then make a quick getaway while they wait.
- Aliens have skin which is very sensitive to earth environments. This can be very handy information if you have to thwart any alien abduction attempts. Try and use a harsh fabric softener if you do any laundry for the aliens.
- Known for their small, thin gray physique and overly large eyes, aliens can be easy targets. Try sleeping with darts in your bed. Hitting big, black, almond-shaped eyes can often be easier that hitting the cork after four pints of Guinness.
- Most aliens don’t know how to drive stick. You might want to sleep in a car with manual transmission.
- Alien tongues are especially sensitive to sweetness. To avoid abduction, try leaving a bunch of candy on your neighbor’s doorstep. The aliens might just get the hint.
- Many abductees have claimed that prayer can be a good defense against abduction. If you find yourself paralyzed in bed with aliens standing ominously above you, pray to Jesus Christ. Should that fail, try submitting to Allah. Conversion to Islam may help you stop the aliens, as suicide bombing can be very effective, even against extraterrestrial visitation.
- While there may be little you can do to defend yourself against alien abduction once the vile creatures have already infiltrated your home, remember that a simple anti-aircraft defense can be very effective against flying saucers. 88mm artillery can do serious damage to alien craft and can also be used to shell alien positions.
As you can see, with some simple precautions you can secure your home and person against these space miscreants. Many of these same tactics can be used to protect loved ones, co-workers, even pets. Always be vigilant.
R. Yadaris Smythe is a marine-carpenter whose hobbies include Bacon Festivals.
I think you’re just being silly. Everyone knows tin-foil will keep out any enemy brain-waves, or was that steam from a baked potato.
I heard that garlic is good against vampires, maybe it might work with aliens too 🙂
Aliens enjoy eating and bathing in garlic so, unfortunately, your hypothesis is completely unsubstantiated by the facts.
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and one more thing:
Sleep naked*, when the aliens come for u, they will see all the hair on your chest and genitailia and flee for safety thinking that you are a bear.
*Note, this may not work if u are a woman, unless ur a slack jawed red necker
i think this is the biggest load of bull ever if you find a alien in your room you need to promptly take out the 9mm smg from under your bed and load all of the ammo into the space slimneball and dont forget to blow up your house while your at it to prevent any further visitations
if the last comment fails try turning the alien on as this may result in multiple enjoyment leaving time to escape and find a weapon to defend yourself
The best way to avoid being abducted by aliens is to abduct them first.
Remember: the best defense is a good insanity plea.
Take the fight to them. I like that. Where do we keep them?
well… I feel you have left out an important fact. Aliens are afraid of bad spellink and fat people, wich really doesnt help their lust for abducties with bad teeth. anyhow, I used to get obducted all the time (because of my bad teeth, but thats another story) but ten I moved in with my fat accomplis who is a 300lb profesional seriul crusher(he crushes people for money.) and now I dont get obducted anymore…
oh also… I forgot to mention, in responce to #9 that if you have a cooky lanlord with a lazy eye, it is good to keep the abducted aliens in his basement, and show them pictures of fat people while probing them with a vaccume cleaner. Usually while I am doing this my fat accomplis chokes the alien near to death with his nipple…
Nick, you must have an erroneous translation of Mephelhalther’s “Die Alienömnibus.” The original roughly translates to “lazy third eye.”
I dont know about you guys but if i ever find an aliens i will
1st. Make peace with the aliens
2nd. Breed with their women
3rd. Betray the aliens and kill them all
A highly succesful way to scare aliens off is by doing the following – take out a picture of marilyn manson and they will automatically run away. j/k manson ur the best
Marilyn Manson has weekly meetings with several alien visitors. They prefer toast with jam.
Undoubtedly the best defence against alien abductions is to run Linux instead of Windows.
At the Axes & Alleys offices we use a Fenster based computer system. Fenster is the cutting edge of Serbo-Croatian digital technology.
say i love you they will leave you this has apparantly worked in real abductions
Saying I love you to aliens attempting to abduct you has never, ever worked. Aliens have no concept of love and only understand Earth languages to the barest degree. It’s completely meaningless to them. Please do some more thorough research there, Joe.
With all due respect, Mr. Humbridge, while aliens have little working knowledge of most Earth languages, nearly all Grays and Reptillians are fluent in Welsh. Perhaps you should try saying “‘Rwy’n dy garu di.”
This still does not overcome the fact that no alien visitor to this planet comes from a race with a concept of love. They simply cannot understand it, even were they to understand the actual words used.
aliens hate crystals for real. if you cant find a crystals.
try pouring salt on your head or body before you go to bed and that will keep aliens from abducting you.
p.s aliens dont love worth crap
noah, it’s actually quite evident that aliens love Mary Worth. Keeping copies of this comic strip about your domicile is a sure way to attract the alien menace.
what i don’t get is how do the aliens know where people live? Have you ever thought how many aliens ended up abducting muskrats because they cound’t find anyone?
Though muskrats have never been abducted by aliens, aliens have been adopted by muskrats on three occasions.
In the event of an alien abduction, the simplest thing to do is to ask lots of irritating questions. How does this work? Why does that do that? What is that thing you’re puttting in my ass? What does this button do?
Meh, worked for me. 😀
if u find an alien in ur bed room get up and kick their asses have u seen their muscles, they r weak so kick their asses and call the police. dont tell the police [there are aliens trying to abduct me] tell the police that there is a man in ur house and hes trying to kill u. keep kicking the aliens asses until the police arrives and when they arrive he will see the aliens in front of them and prove to ll the disbilievers that aliens r real.
this web site is so bull shit aleins are not real people say they are abducted for attention and if ur on a site like this u have no life!!
Andrew, certainly you must concede that abudctees do not need attention. After all, they’re all ready getting plenty of attention from the aliens. Besides, aliens are too real people.
this website is fuck my ayre and ayre in arabic means dick so fuck u all u motherfuckin bilievers in aliens and oh look a flying saucer probably for the american goverment u all suck this isnt real i dont care about galaxies and the universe if aliens r real y dont they just come down here and say take me to ur leader and a guy can just lie to get money about abducties.
Aliens also have trouble spelling.
Well, all this seems to be right. But, what should I do if I found that they had taken me directly to their spaceship, and took my body parts for experiments leaving me without movement?? What should I do if I were inside the UFO, where there should be probably thousands of more aliens, ready to fuck me and make more special steak pie with my ass??
I really appreciate you help in this matter..fucker situation. Thanks buddies!! (I think rami wad abducted, we sorry 4 u man. Life still goes on…
As someone who is a multiple abductee I can assure you that covering one’s body with olive oil and rolling on corn flakes spread across the floor no longer works as a deterrent to abduction, no matter what anyone says to the contrary!
Where have you been Mr. Lawrence Lawrence? Of course such a method no longer works. This phenomenon was noted in 1982 and a thorough study made the following year and published in 1984. It has been determined that the various alien nations rotate their time abducting humans and that some time between 1979 and 1982, a new alien nation began their period on duty. This nation of course had no cultural taboo against olive oil. (It’s the oil that their culture disliked, not the flakes. The flakes are just there to let you know you’ve adequate protection.) There’s no telling when the previous abductors will come back on duty, so do keep the olive oil/corn flakes method in your arsenal.
Hi everyone i know this may sound strange but i have no real knowledge because i allways blank out and that pisses me off i wish they wouldnt do that, they allways leave weird cuts and scars in my mouth and arms i think the do extensive research in human anatomy and if you didn’t know the greys are a dieing breed because of their race is like just dieing.
i know why they abduct us, they abduct us and they enfuse are genes with theres to save there race from extinction i know this because…well im pyschic and i do my research and i am a hybrid (hybrids are part human mostly and part alien) this makes are brains actually increase in use resulting in alot more pyschics in this world.
if you want any help just speak with me rpalmer1991@hotmail.com and also anyone who says that aliens don’t exisist are ignorant and very simple minded just today they discovered a planet like ours which can sustain life, also alot of your ideas here are quite fun too try if i ever don’t black out i’d try to shake hands and make contact then i’d ask for knowledge if they had a translation device but my top priority now is to help some people design a new engine sytem which will make space travel faster well cya ^-^
i think putting on a pudding on your head works best.Wjen aliens tried to abduct me,they saw the pudding and ran off screaming ”The Lord Of The Many Custards has arrived to kill us all”
yes. i’ve had multiple relations with aliens. some male.. some female… some i’m not too sure. uhm overall, they werent too bad. pretty nice. pretty tender. pretty large. fairly bony.. (that makes for an occasionally painful moment.) but all in all, nothing beats human meat.
And excuse me, Mr. Lionel Buxton Humbridge… aliens most certainly DO understand the concept of love. Just because YOU’VE never gotten any action, doesn’t mean they are incapable of giving/understanding it. Aliens are very pleasurable. They also have good taste, this being why they’ve never chosen you.
thankyou to the whoever started this webpage… i laughed so hard. 😀
studies have shown the aliens are fatally attracted to men in tutu’s
ballerina’s of the male gender have a 300% increase in probable abduction.
the only solution is to rid this world of male wimps, basically any man who feels the need to dress up like a woman should be given to the aliens as a token of peace…
therefore ridding ourselves of this nieusence forever!
sorry Rami 3ISSA you will be sorely missed.
hey… i wear a tutu… SHIT!
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im scared of the first picture:’
have any of you seen alien abductoin the mcpherson story
these whole thing about aliens is shit…and total shit…i believe in aliens when i was a kid because i got to know that i don’t have families here on earth but rather on the alien planet…as at now…i am hiding under a stone somewhere in Egypt,i only come out in the night to feed on girls….so we aliens are really true…foolish website which is talking about the great family…. i actually miss the saucer when it was ready to leave…i was dating a girl in Egypt by that time…so i was left behind….i have to wait for the next 2000 years for my brothers to come and pick me….van legend
Aliens?….. They are here. They have been here for quite awile now. I only say this because I have personally met one., and seen numerous others. They are hiding in plain sight. They co-exist among us in virtual harmony. They take whatever job they deem appropriate to them. If you want to spot one….take a bus ride…any public transit will sufice. You can easily spot them by the symetry in thier eyes. Thier inability to replicate human genetic chaos is going to be the key to thier uncovering…that and this “Humbrige’s” genetic profile. When someone accidentally finds his ciggy butt near a horrific crime scene and runs a DNA test….The Perverbial Jig…Is Up!
help! my friend and i know this girl who we know is an ailen, we need serious protection. i think my friend has already been abducted, but she can’t remember. I DON’T WANT TO BE ABDUCTED!
is that true??????????
wow ive never been abducted before but i wanted to be to see inside a space ship it would be cool i belive aliens are peacfull and alot like humans so ive always wanted to meet one HOW DO I GET ABDUCTED!!! p.s i dont live in america a ilve in england if its any help plz help me
Aliens abducted me and they touched me in places 🙁
There is nordic aliens and The Greys
also there is Reptilians and the chupacabra
nobody will help you james cause i think that aliens are impossible …how did they build the space shipif they don’t have things in there planets?ha?i belive but i think it’s not true
well i think that if i look in there eyes i will see myself…just like a miror