Thanks to global warming, increasingly inefficient air conditioners and the ineptitude of the power company, you can bet that every summer heat wave will bring you a fresh bout of blackouts, brownouts and the oft misunderstood white out. Be prepared and follow these tips the next time Consolidated Edison sends you on a trip back to the Stone Age.

1. You’ll need light, so be sure to have candles on hand. The best type are ones that come in a glass jar and have a picture of Pope John Paul II on them. Not only will they light your way, but John Paul’s smile will brighten your day.

2. Make sure to have some entertainment; board games are excellent for blackouts, because only then will you realize the folly of purchasing Operation or electronic Battleship.

3. A blackout can be a good opportunity to actually get to know your neighbors. Make sure that a lot of your neighbors are hot Eastern European girls.

4. Get a battery powered radio so you can listen to the latest news. If you don’t have a battery powered radio, now might be a good time to break out that Crystal Radio kit that’s been sitting in your closet since last Christmas.

5. If you do decide to loot, remember to loot a generator before you start stealing TV sets.

6. A flaming torch can often be more useful than a flashlight. Especially if you encounter creatures.

7. Five words; self warming, water-based lubricant. And plenty of it.

8. If you want to keep your beer cool, fill up the bathtub with that cold water you can’t shower in and put the beer in there. Did we mention you should find somewhere to get beer first?

9. Many people are nuts who don’t carry cash. Make sure you keep some extra bills around the house because those card swipers don’t work without power.

10. Work longer hours at your job in the part of town not affected by the power outage. They have air conditioning and internet and you’ll look like a really hard worker.

11. Whatever you do, don’t get angry! Be a quiet lamb who never complains about anything. This will help the non-responsive energy company get the job done at its own pace without your interruption.

12. If you live in an area affected by blackout, please remember to limit your power usage to only essentials such as thinking and nerve impulse transmission.

Please do not use the above tips in case of Apocalypse. Apocalypse is a rather different situation, though power problems may proceed the collapse of civilization. You will be able to tell the difference between an energy crisis and the Apocalypse by a 37% increase in death and disease, as well as the crowning of a three-legged koala with a diadem of nickel in the city between two hills in the week after two cousins marry a sea serpent with eyes made of very poisonous cherries.