Russian Girls Need an Expiration Date

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The attractiveness of Russian girls is pretty well-known. Also their avarice. Otherwise Russian bride web sites wouldn’t be so prominent and our Russian émigrés here in the States wouldn’t have the well-founded reputation of looking for “rich American husband.” Every Russian girl I’ve ever met in New York examined my wallet pocket first. Except for Uki, who was a rich nuclear physicist and didn’t need my money. Just a good lay and some vodka.

Now, I come from Georgia (the U.S. one, not that one roundabout Armenia) and we’re definitely known for our Southern belles. More beautiful and more fiery than Vivienne Leigh could ever hope for. Still, while we were 14 and spending the humid Summer days masturbating in the woods, we were always jealous of those Russian lads. They grew up with hot, loose Russian girls.
Because our girls at that age look like this:

girl with braces

Don’t get me wrong. If I were 13 I’d be all about the chick with the braces. But here’s the rub: Russian girls hit puberty at six or seven years old. Wendy up there is great, but look at what 14 year-old Russian boys had to fool around with:

hot russian girls

Wouldn’t you feel cheated? I did.

Of course, when you get older this causes its own problems. A couple of weeks ago I brought a Russian girl home with me from a bar. Wouldn’t you know she was wearing Hello Kitty panties. Not ironically. We had a good conversation about Sanrio products once I got her to put her clothes back on. Here’s where my first suggestion comes in: Russian girls need a born on date.

Look, I’m no fan of the Budweiser. I think it’s weak and smells worse than old piss when it’s dried into your hair. But the Budweiser folks had a great idea in that born on date. I propose that all Russian females be implanted with an RFID tag indicating when they were born. A simple scanner would’ve helped prevent me from almost tapping jailbait and I could’ve skipped to the conversation about those delightful Badtz-Maru sunglasses Sanrio makes.

Now let’s say your wallet’s fat enough to bag you that Russian babe with the smooth thighs, perky breasts, and viciously-beautiful face. You’re probably thinking you’re set with decades of the hottest sex every night, years of dumbfounded stares of appreciation from other men, and a reason for people to talk to you at cocktail parties. As the Russians mockingly told the Germans one cold winter in 1944, “Ein minuten, bitte.”

The Russian boys have it good, but you wouldn’t want to change shoes with the Russian men. Not only is there bear wrestling, the Russian mob, and the occasional polonium poisoning, but your average 27 year-old Russian woman looks something like this:

old russian woman

While your 15 year-old Russian counterpart could gloat about the “nice piece” he was fondling behind the Iron Curtain, your 30 year-old Russian compatriot is stuck in a sexless hell of dentures, swollen ankles, and saggy boobs.

The tragic irony is that when a Russian woman looks like this:

older russian woman

is when she’s finally developed a personality. Usually an interesting one at that.

So my second proposition is that the RFID tag mentioned above also include a countdown in years, days, and hours to that Russian girl’s expiration date.

For blonde Russians, the rapid decline begins at around three months out from her 27th birthday. For the brunettes, approximately one month out. Strangely, for the rare redheaded Russian lass, the expiration date is quite unpredictable, so a concrete expiration at 26 years of age is in order.
Look, I know some people will find this offensive. I too am suspicious of RFID technology, so I totally understand. But, the fact remains it’s effective. With that out of the way, it’s also the best solution for all parties involved.

American men won’t feel deceived when they’ve hit that true, manly gravitas in their late twenties where women begin to find them the most attractive, yet be saddled with Grandma Davidova for a wife. She might offer some great insights into life, but there’s much better ass to be had out there.

It’ll spare those Russian women, too. No longer will they have to deal with cheating husbands, the loss of their income when their rich American husbands leave them jobless and with no skills or money, not to mention the daily embarrassment of him seeing those crow’s feet all over her legs. No doubt when rejected by the scan she’ll return to Russia where she can find an older man more suitable for her. Preferably a 70 year-old news stand attendant with Mommy issues.

Don’t get me started on the Poles…

75 thoughts on “Russian Girls Need an Expiration Date”

  3. Dude, I hope you’re joking, it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve read in a while. This is a left-over myth from the Cold-war era. Whatever makes you Americans feel better, because your women are ugly and fat in comparison with the Russian women. In fact, this is the left-over of the cold I’ve seen tons of 25-year old American girls who look much older than 30-year old Russians.

  5. Not true! Not true! I was constantly mistaken for eighteen(accident my ass) when I was thirteen; I’m eighteen now and people think I look eighteen, unless I’m wearing the usual slacks, dressy blouse, the works. And my aunt, half RU half Siberian, is about forty and doesn’t look a day over thirty. We are age-versatile and you can only guess our age by our clothes.

  6. You American’s are just jealous…but it’s okay, if I was American and had to compete with a Russian babe like myself, I’d be jealous too.

  9. That’s not true I even had something witj=h a russian who was 30 and stil looked good, that picture there is some 60-70 year old russian woman…

  10. listen i am russian. my bro is 30 years old and so is his blonde girlfriend. and she doesnt look anything like that or fit the desciption at all. russian women become old and wrinkly at about the same age american women do. its just that they become more pubescent earlier then american chicks do. which is the best part. all in all russian women are better than american women. there u have it.

  13. By observation, women who talk loud age quicker……need scientific evaluation to verify that….

    Women in U.S east coast and west coast age real fast, maybe they talk louder (or f*** too much with anyone) that causes it. However, midwest girls really look good and young even if they are over 40s, and you respect them of their elegance and well manners.

  19. all of you are full of it. if you wanna see hot American girls i would show you there is way hotter American girls. Don’t get me wrong some Russians are fine… but in America I see a lot more hot Americans then Russians

  20. I’ve been to Russia a few times, trust me, there are way more hotties in Russia then back here in the U.S. There are very hot Americans but there are far more beautiful women in Russia. Can’t wait to go back.

  23. most beaut?ful g?rls come from russia even they are old .. russian boys are very lucky… russian g?rls are enough for world..<

  24. This guy just hate Russia just see it every1 know the best and hottest girls come from Russia and Ukraine just americans dont know it they use their fat to think whit not their head.

  26. who cares how a woman looks like -coz beauty fades anyway / In my hood there is a saying that states “u don’t love a woman coz she is beautiful- she is beautiful coz u love her” /but just like russian vodka -russian ladies get me drunk from their beauty !….lol

  27. I lived in Alaska most of my life. There are a lot of Russian women in Anchorage. I went out to the clubs there frequently so I made friends with tons of girls. What I noticed was the Russian girls usually went to the clubs that have strict dress codes because they all like to dress up, look and act rich. A lot of them just moved to Alaska recently and don’t speak English very well. From experience, they are very beautiful, but not very outgoing and friendly. They blow guys off left and right and prefer to just dance by themselves, acting like men owe them something. Most come to Alaska for a better life because they were poor, but when they get to America, all of a sudden they act like they want money, money, money and only rich men. Where is the humbleness? But, I will still admit, they are hot!! It’s gotta be the eyes! So, they are hotter than American women (even though American women are still beautiful), but American women aren’t as uptight and less about money (I know there are still a lot of greedy American women). Advantage: American women. That said, Russian women aren’t “all and all” better, Tony.

  28. This is a bunch of garbage. I’m an American but I’m not blind, Russian and Eastern European women are the best looking women on the planet at any age. That being said, the blonde American girl with the braces is drop dead gorgeous too!

  29. I just got back from Eastern Europe. If Russian girls are anything like Prague, Polish or Latvian then believe me they have no expiration date. By far the most beautiful women i have ever seen.

  31. thats a lot of shit ;; you should go to russian and have a look for yourself.
    im russian and im 17 and my mum is 40 and when we go shopping together people ask me if thats my friend and even in some shops they ask her for id.

  32. thats such BS. Im russian your retarted… obviously your brain is the size of your tiny nuts , other you would know that russians are nothing close to what you described them as, you probably go rejected too many time but russian girls because of your little brain so you decide to write this bull… good luck finding some dumbass to beleive what you wrote.

  33. umm this is retarded stop talking about what girl is hot and not go study and stop being retards russians study harder than americans that is a fact americans just want to have sex this is retarded lol wtf

  35. ? ?? ????? ? ???? ????????? ??? ??! ??????? ??????? ????? ???????? ?? ?????. ???????? ? ??? ?????. ????? ????? ????? ?? ??? ??????, ?? ??? ? ????? ????? ???????? ? 27 ??? ?? ???????? ??????? ? ?????? ??????, ?? ????????? ????? ????????? ?? 90-100 ??? ? ????? ?????, ? ??? ?? ?????? ????? ?????!??? ?????? ???? ???????

  36. I’m married to a Russian lady. We both had a great laugh over your article. It was pretty damn funny. Thanks for the laughs. Some people need to get a life and not take things so seriously. Keep up the great writing style that you have.

    J & Y

  37. Hey there I found this website by sheer luck, I was flipping through Bing for New Fashion Designers when I found your site, I must say your website is really intriguing I truely think the content, its amazing!. I’m in a bit of a rush at the moment to completely browse your webpage but I have bookmarked it and also subscribed for your RSS feeds. I will be back in a day or two. Thanks for a great blog.

  38. Russian women are theave. they just wanno get the money. they are very hight noze people. ofcurse they are beutifull. but its disappearing when you see them inside. they are not worth it to try. i dont 100%but mosty.

  39. DYRAK! This is not true at all!!! You are being really biased Just by looking and 3/4 pics you think that. Get Your facts straight and maybe interview Russian girls. Because being Biased like that can offend girls/ women like me. But Im just speaking the truth! >:(

  40. hahah this is right. i have dated a few and almost married one wonderful girl. the experation isnt 27 but seems close to it.. lol im jk those are grandmas in the pictures but will still turn out to that. but if you stick with the russian girl.. you probably wont look to good by that age either.

  41. This is ridiculous! American are FAT!!! and jealous because Russians are slim beautiful and that must eat the American inside !!
    Who ever wrote this shit is an idiot, end of the story!!

  43. FUCK AMERICA AND AMERICANS…THATS ALL I CAN SAY [ AMERICANS HAVE GOT ONLY PROSTITUDES IN THEIR COUNTRY ]

  45. Jeremy,If your dick was bigger you could get any woman you’d like without paying her and not need to still run off to the the woods a couple of times a day, now that you are older. The second girl must be at least 16 years of age….

  46. Jeremy, my advice to you is to pack your f…clothes and go to Russia. The sooner- the better! When you get there, don’t forget three things: condoms, one gun and a bullet. Condoms- for protection from viruses, gun and a bullet- protection from Hot Russian Chicks who will simply put a gun to your head because they hate poor, stupid guys with small dicks

  47. WOW! I did not know guys were jealous too! I understand if American woman was jealous, but American GUY? There is def. something wrong with him. He hadn’t had a woman for a long time. Poor boy. Come to me I will warm you up here and tell you a night story……But no sex! You have expired already for most of us….

  48. Oh My God!Of course this red head, long hair, stupid look and so much pain in his eyes shows how many times Jeremy was rejected by the Russian beauties!
    Guys, look at his photo on this website! Jeremy, change your attitude towards the Russian women and they will start loving you!

  49. yo, i have read all of these posts… first, the article is hilarious, second, all russians who took this seriously and commented should look up sarcasm and humor in the Merriam-Webster dictionary… Third, PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD ARE BEAUTIFUL!! fourth, russian girls CAN be a little on the stuck-up side, or just shy and i cant tell haha… bottom line, all you russians that are mad need to SETTLE down, no one is serious here, you are beautiful,
    with LOVE,
    America 🙂

  50. Hi, i’ve been come to your blog and it seem really good. I’m making a site and struggling to make it look great. How hard was it to build your home page? Could someone like me, an amateur make this? I always wanted to make something like that. Just for your info your site seem broken when I browse using FF.

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