Montezuma II is the Answer Man to the Stars. He has answered questions for Tim Conway, Loni Anderson, Sam Waterston and others. His newest book in nice.

Dearest Montezuma,

I have too much change in my pockets a lot of the time. It falls out whenever I sit down and makes a big clanking sound when I walk down the street. All the bums know when I’m coming and run down the street after me calling me a liar when I tell them I don’t have any change. I really hate running. Is there some change storage solution for someone like me: a five foot tall Mbuti pygmy living a modern industrial lifestyle in the West?

Cephu
Boston, MA

Ruminating on your question took place over the course of an extremely busy and tiring week. A cup of tea was in order and my new assistant, Mary Margaret Nelson, quickly procured one for me. The tea gave me a wonderful idea. I have mailed you complete instructions for building a pneumatic coin storage harness made of polyvinylchloride piping, a vacuum pump, a mesh screen and black lacquered syringe box modified to store the coins. I have also included some decorative suggestions for the harness to deter the homeless including: lion, winter and a little monster I like to call the Scarebum. Clever name, isn’t it?

Dear Montezuma,

I am male, but my mother contributed fifty percent of my genetic material. However, I don’t look like her and don’t exhibit quite the same internal physiological characteristics. So I find it a bit unfair that she gets such a large share of my genetic makeup. People get mad at me when I ask what exactly it was she did that was so great. What is a moon roof?

Highly Expectant Radio Man
Edgewise, PD

You will have to challenge a clever fellow like myself quite a bit more, HERM, else you risk no answer at all. The credit for this answer must, I fear, also go to my new assistant Mary Margaret Nelson, who has again proven her worth. It seems the moon roof was a device Galileo Galilei erected in Pisa to block out the light of the city while he observed the skies, most especially the moons of Jupiter. An interesting bit of trivia: a small, whimsical painting of buttocks was created on the forward left corner underneath the roof. The great scientist would occasionally point this out to bored visitors.

Hey Montezuma,

So walking down the street the other day, I thought it would be really cool if golfers wore samurai armor. The armor would protect them from the Sun, they could keep their favorite golf club in a belt loop and they could identify themselves to spectators with a handy flag like the samurai wore. What do you think of my idea?

Bob Kerrey
President The New School University
New York, NY

P.S. Please don’t steal my idea.

I am amazed at how positively useless this idea is. It would take more energy to steal this idea than it is worth. My suggestion is not to send an application to the Patent Office, burn any record of it and continue on with your life, never mentioning it again to friends, family or strangers.

Dear Montezuma,

There’s this nice girl I met and while she’s totally the bee’s knees, she keeps insisting that various things have killed her father. First it was pigeons, then bricks, a cheese grater, eggs, the mafia, Vorlons, a spigot, seven ninjas, a donkey, a Charles Darwin impersonator named Kevin…oh lord, the list goes on and on. She’s claimed that up to 700 different things have killed her father at various times. How could her father die 700 times, I don’t get it. Is she lying to me? What’s up with her?

Hando Peppermill
Yasper Falls, ME

Hando, the spigot is probably the clue you should investigate further. Was he killed by the spigot first? You see, spigots have a medicinal property whereby someone whose life was ended by one can come back to life almost immediately. Should her father have made it through two deaths before, for instance, being mauled by a spigot, he would also revive, though memories from puberty will disappear due to some as yet undefined interaction between the spigot’s voracious DNA and the memory centers of the brain. You might ask her if her father can remember exactly when hair began growing around his pubic and underarm areas.

Dear Montezuma,

Why are there both flashlights and candles? If flashlights are so useful, why are there still candles? Shouldn’t candles have died out long ago along with butter churns, mule carts and the dumb waiter?

Lucy Tarquin
East Bestoria, MV

One might as well ask why there are both wishing wells and oil wells, Lucy. Yet, annoyingly, upon my exclamation of this fact, my new assistant Mary Margaret Nelson went out and found the reason for the existence of both wishing wells and oil wells. I am starting to find her constant presence and overeagerness to please grating and, might I say, cloying.

Dear Montezuma,

Recently a strange thing started to happened to me. Once a month or so, I get these terrible cramps, then I feel irritated and bloated. At the same time, blood flows from a bodily area I’d rather not mention. Plus, I’ve started growing hair in strange places and my nipples are tender. What’s going on? Is it cancer? Or possibly FOP? I need to know before school starts in the Fall. Everyone in 8th grade will think I’m a freak.

Sarah Bonnet
Woodside, NY

Dearest Sarah. There is nothing to worry about whatsoever. The changes you are experiencing are all completely natural. As the hive intelligence replicates itself in your body, the tiny individual cells which make up the whole spread throughout the body. They communicate through an intense release of protein polymer change in the bloodstream while they settle into strategic locations throughout your innards. During the hive’s takeover, it is routine to experience such physiological manifestations, but there is simply not a thing to worry about. Except the irritation you are experiencing. According to my diagnostic reference manuals, irritation is not a symptom of the hive. I would suggest asking the hive what’s going on in there, then maybe seek the advice of your guidance counselor.

Dear Montezuma,

Why is it that English is the only language that makes any sense? Every time I hear a language other than English all I hear is jabbering and nonsensical funny talk. How come of all the languages in the world, only English is useful for communication?

Charles Schumer
Albany, NY

Charlie, did you know that the word jabber comes from the Middle English javeren? I did not know this either. My new assistant Mary Margaret Nelson just brought it up whilst poring over your letter with me. That was the final straw I had to let her go.

Dear Montezuma,

Why aren’t limericks ever funny? What is up with them?

Pugsley Islington
New Kennewhack, EL

Unfortunately I was unable to find any information on what a Limerick is as I no longer have an assistant. Should I find a new assistant, I may be able to answer this next month. Please check back then.