To the Editors,
I would sincerely enjoin you to print this open letter to my constituents as their kind support has gotten me to the pinnacle I’ve reached as of Tuesday’s election. Citizens of Porkford and Pickle County, thank you for your kind consideration in electing me the 8th St. and James Madison Blvd. Weird Guy of the Porkford Civil Departments. I am deeply gratified and honored at the overwhelming support from this community.
Words alone cannot express my appreciation to my brother Seamus (town ballot inspector), my friends Louie and Dopel Gang and all sixteen of my supporters during the campaign. The endorsements by Mrs. Delores P. Grunion and Axes & Alleys are most humbling.
The embossed invitations and subsequent visits to the East County Coin Toss Assoc. and Further Downtown Business Improvement District #5’s annual Radish Hunt during this campaign have been most enjoyable. I am greatly moved by the kind words of encouragement bestowed on me by so many of our community’s spark plug manufactors. I am proud to share our faith in internal combustion and hope to have your continued blessings through the coming 23 constitutionally mandated years of my term. Again, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to continue to serve the people of the community.
Sincerely,
Hack “Algonquin” Peterson
8th St. and James Madison Blvd. Weird Guy-elect
Congratulations, Algonquin! We were with you all the way. -Ed.
To Whom it May Concern:
In reference to your classifieds section of last issue (Classifieds, 456-BR6 Issue 20), are
you aware that Jerry of Maldoral, Dry Michigan attempted to defraud me with his offer of two cubic feet of space? When the price on two cubic feet of space is so low, one should realize the offer is more than likely too good to be true.
You see, I wrote Jerry of Maldoral, Dry Michigan in reference to two cubic feet of space. Little did I know that Dry Michigan taxes at a rate of 17.5%
for all space transactions and sales! I was willing to pay an extra rate for atmosphere and ecology, but wouldn’t you know it? There were none available! On top of all of this, after only two hours of negotiations on two cubic feet of space, Jerry of Maldoral, Dry Michigan, evinced a rather brusque manner and became quite pedantic in his explanations of Dry Michigan taxes versus those of Michigan.
I looked it up later in an atlas and discovered that there is no Dry Michigan! In conclusion, I feel Axes & Alleys should reimburse me the $5698 C.N. price for two cubic feet of air to which Jerry of Maldoral, “Dry Michigan” and I agreed.
Yours Truly,
Sam Peckinphage
Onion, SC
If you were willing to consult the Newly Revised Official International Cartographers’ Guild Atlas Fifth Edition, Volume XXIV (D-Dae), you would see that Dry Michigan does exist. It’s right there on page 865. -Ed.
Dear Abraham Lincoln (no relation),
You once told me of certain provocations given to you by a young Maori man forcibly made to work in a traveling circus. As the local tattoo attraction, he brought gawkers from the county-round, but unfortunately they were disappointed.
The young Maori man had no tattoos. In fact, he was missing certain indescribable body parts. In point of fact, he was not a young Maori man at all, but a young Irish woman from County Cork!
I just wanted to remind you that you should be more truthful in your telling of these stories. Knowing that the young Maori man was actually a woman from Ireland helps one swallow the “languid night of bestial love” portion of your telling of the story. I hope this letter finds you well and in good health.
Sincerely,
Albert Damascus
Phoenician Navy, Retired
Your letter troubled us deeply. We have had many problems in the past with this Abraham Lincoln (no relation) fellow. This is just the latest in a long string of lies, abominations and parking offensives perpetrated by this man. We had no choice but to let him go. He will be replaced in his Graphics and Illustration duty by George Herbert Walker Bush (also no relation).