DOOMED, DOOMED, YOU ARE ALL DOOMED!
Katie Panzer (in her final story for this publication) is a universally recognized expert on lizard physiology, alligator habitats, terrapene economics, and boidaen fashion design and sexual habits. Ms. Panzer has recently left our staff to begin work on her new project; The Elizabethia Pan-Lemnian Foundation, a group devoted to helping ensure that Lithium Picnic doesn’t sue us for using their images without permission. We wish you much luck, Katie, our hearts go with you.
For years humanity has assumed an air of nonchalance towards the herpetological developments accumulating across the globe. An increase in nugatory laws permeating all manner of reptile life has served to exacerbate the nature of the coming disaster. Here we enumerate the Impending Reptile Crisis.
First, and foremost, one must take shelter against the effects of the Crisis. Implement a Stage II tertiary enhovelment practice at the earliest possible time. This will involve slight investment, but protect you from the aftereffects of Herpetolisis.
Next, it is a good idea to lobby Congress to pass the Federal Invasive Reptilian Movement Act of 2005 (FIRM). A list of Senators may be found at www.senate.gov. A listing of Representatives may be found at www.house.gov. Find yours and contact him, or in some cases her, now. Several activists groups are planning a so-called “Phone Your Representative Day” in early April. Axes & Alleys will provide this information in the future. You may also wish to read the news media daily.
Picking an herpetological faction during the coming conflagration may prove difficult. It is not easy to understand any of the 43 reptilian languages and scientists have only decoded what they estimate to be 10% of the vocabulary and grammar of just one species, a rare New Caledonian gecko. Common sense should prevail. If you find a strange reptile, move away. Should a familiar reptile become threatening, move away. If you see signs of support from the scaled community, make sure to support it.
Keep abreast of current news reports for noted dangerous reptilians. While the vast majority of lizards, constrictors and turtles are not involved at this time, the watchword should be “open eyes!” It is known that certain pit vipers, tortoises and legless lizards maintain malicious intent towards humanity, but the general state of Herpo-Human relations is unknown.
In fact, the general causes, effects and coming actions involved in this crisis are completely absent from the cognizance of humanity. Experts are not even sure of the basic nature of the conflict, if any, but a general feeling of unwholesomeness has pervaded the world’s theme parks, nature preserves, alligator farms and zoos.
Also beware of herpetological allies. While the current global state of affairs only seems to involve class reptilia, recent observations of common green anoles congregating with the common salamander have raised fears in the scientific and political communities about the overall nature of the coming disaster.
Should the amphibians join the fight, we are unsure which grouping of species will complement the hordes next. Never before in human history has the time been right for mass xenophobia, but unfortunately that time is now. Consult your local Reptile Crisis Center and make sure you support FIRM in April. Also make sure to wear comfortable shoes, preferably leather boots. You’ll be safer and your arches will be in much better condition for the expected amount of running forecast for the future.