Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof.
Dear Editors of Axes & Alleys,
I have several complaints concerning the movie Hackers. It is highly unrealistic that a character such as Cereal Killer, or Emanuel Goldstein, would have knowledge of First Corinthians 13:11. A Jewish Hacker, or Ordohinni, would probably have little understanding of the Christian writings of Saint Paul the Evangelist. This major error has ruined an otherwise enjoyable film.
Lucky Sturgeon
Himmotsburo, PD.
To the Editors,
I would like to complain about the 1995 theater release Hackers. This film is clearly labeled PG-13 on all video home system, digital video disc and laser disc packaging. In 1995, the Motion Picture Association of America’s PG-13 rating indicated no nipple, aureolas or other such breastal phenomena were shown in the film. However, it is quite clearly evident in Dade’s (Johnny Lee Miller) disgustingly wet dream sequence that Kate’s (Angelina Jolie) jacket does not conceal her nipples, aureolas or breastal phenomena. Two rosy tipped breastal phenomena are quite evident under Kate Libby’s unnecessarily sensual leather jacket. I demand an NC-17 rating under the Motion Picture Association of America’s current movie ratings guidelines. Sight of Angelina Jolie’s breastal phenomena, while becoming more common, is still aberrant behavior.
Lex McGreevy
Plantation Depths, EL
DearAxes & Alleys,
I am writing to you to complain about Hackers. A couple of times in this flick they go on about the four most common passwords people use. They are love, god, sex and secret. This doesn’t make any sense. I have an email account, cloetoey@gmail.com, and my password is electricity. That’s not even on the list. What gives?
Chloe Percival
West Arbutte, NY
To Whom it May Concern,
I would like to laud the Iain Softley directorial accomplishment of Hackers. In one of the most faithful depictions of hacking culture, he presents such common words as “leet,” “GPI viruses” and “hello.” Mr. Softley also has his finger on the pulse of hacker culture in his depiction of 1995 era hacker setups. The Macintosh platform of 1995 combined with advanced graphical interface programs and a 1.44MB 3.5″ external floppy drive and leather fashion accessories is exactly what I remember from the time. Every hacker I’ve ever known uses such a setup to great effect. One guy I know even managed to break into a nursing home public address system using such hardware. For what it’s worth, hack the planet Mr. Softley, hack the planet. Rock on dudes,
Ellingson Putors
Worm Bucks, PR
To Delores Grunion et al:
Recently, I sad down with my extended family to view the movie Hackers. In the climax of said film, Matthew Lillard’s character Emanuel is seen giving a televisual radiophonic address to the people of humanity. He is features on the screens at Times Square (The Crossroads of the World). His voice is clearly heard despite the fact that these screens do not feature speakers of any sort. Wouldn’t Johnny Lee Miller make an excellent James Bond? He is currently as old as Sean Connery was when he took the role. Johnny Lee Miller is so hot, I wish he was James Bond.
Pope Benedict XVI
Vatican City
Dear Axes and Alleys Magazine,
Hackers was okay, I guess. It’s my favorite. My friend liked it. One time he even built a mannequin out of radiator parts. It was cool.
Eleanor Svordy
Dear Axes & Alleys,
This letter comes in regards to the film Hackers. I hate it. I do not appreciate its depiction of a rag tag group of United States Army soldiers merrily making their way across Europe in an effort to steal a secret stash of Nazi gold to the communist hippy soundtrack of 60’s music. I’m not even sure what the studio was thinking releasing such a picture. Who would buy such a scenario with Clint Eastwood as a hacker or Don Rickles as part of his “elite” gang. I am very dissatisfied with my experience and I demand you refund my money. Regards, Lenny Hamilton
Hamilton!, OH